I don't think most people come out of a dviorce "happier", especially if there's no abuse or substance issues. Who's the better for it? Us men who usually have to start from scratch? More often than not, we lose everything: time with kids, our house, our social circle. How happy can anyone really be hanging out alone with the same social circle that you as a couple used to frequent? Our kids whose time is cut by more than half with us? Our WAS who now has to parent with us over the phone if at all? Just my personal view from my foxhole!
I can't get how she really thinks we will all be better off in the short and long run. So it's back to that idea I have to worry about what's best for me and the girls and not worry about her. It is hard not to worry about her emotionally and financially because we have 50-50 custody. So I'm worrying about when the girls are with her and how she'll make ends meet.
Well I got inspired last night and came up with a good plan for me going forward. There are some dependencies in it so I've got plan B parts for those situations.
BTW, she poo-pooed Retrouvaille, said she couldn't see where it was of value to either of us. That sounded remarkably like an unwillingness to work on self improvement and improving our relationship no matter which direction it goes.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I agree with you on Retrouvaille. I dragged my w. to it, and she sat there with her usual puss on, arms folded, refusing to consider that "Love is indeed a choice and not a feeling". All she did was get more and more angry as the weekend passed, and I drifted more and more into hoplessness. Some of the couples who run it overcame immense barriers inclduing massive infidelity, so "meeting emotional needs" didn't seem like much of a stretch for me to expect to work on. I was wrong. How's the weigh reduction/blood pressure decrease going? Are you 165 lbs, yet?
Well until she can tear down her wall she won't be able to heal herself. I can't do it for her and any efforts I make don't help. Yes that's a core belief in DBing and one that's hard to accept, especially if you are a Mr. Fix-it type or a husband who's been accused of not taking on enough responsibility. I'm ready to do that but sadly she's not willing to accept that.
You right, you'd think getting over the just the "meeting emotional needs" barrier would be a hell of a lot easier than overcoming that plus infidelity, abuse and such. But Michele mentions in her books that in some cases the smaller or more easily solved problems are the hardest to overcome and some people just cannot ever do it. Hopefully our wives don't fall into that camp.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Oh to answer your question, weight still an issue but I didn't gain any over the holidays. (Gotta celebrate the little victories!) Blood pressure is now in line by making small dietary changes to limit salt and light exercise to decrease stress. It also helps that I'm gainfully employed again!
Next steps are to increase exercise routines and make additional dietary changes.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Bit of journaling, went to see my atty today and we submitted an agreement to her atty stating we were prepared to sign with these changes few changes. Guess we'll see how that goes over. I can only view this as a formality and it's completely over. It hurts like sh!t but we must move forward.
She and I agreed to meet at the house this morning. I had something I wanted to give her. We had talked yesterday and she felt a little better about everything after that. Basically I told her I hope she can break free of her fear, anger, bitterness, etc and let that loving and compassionate person out once again. That I finally was able to do that after 3 years of struggling and not knowing how. Thanks to God and Jesus I broke free of the fear and now love, compassion and optimism are what's guides me. Also I realized that I, without conscientiously try to, had in all likelihood been trying to break that fear shell for her. I know and realize only she can do that and all I could ever do is help her along the way if even wanted the help.
So this morning with love and compassion for her and her struggles with the fear, I gave her my copy of The 5 Languages of Apology. My reason, only so that she might be able to benefit from it. No agenda just a friend sharing something they hope will help. I hope she reads it, benefits greatly from it and that it helps her break free of her fear so that love and compassion guides her. May she find peace, love and compassion where ever God has decided for her to go.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well talked to my wife this morning, she was returning my call from yesterday. I told her the changes and it just inflamed her more. I told her this was it, this is the document I'm willing to sign and I couldn't negotiate anything more.
Well she was already a bit angry when she called, now she's down right seething. Man I hate that she's all of the sudden built up so much anger but that's just something she'll have to deal with on her own. I can't help her as much as I would like to, as much love and compassion is in my heart, she's the one who'll have to deal with the anger, bitterness, the fear she holds.
Man this turned bad, I mean real bad so quickly it isn't even funny. The day after Christmas I was certain she was really starting to move towards reconciliation. Even a week or so before she said "Yes, there's hope but it'll take time." Now hope isn't even in her vocabulary.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Sorry, man. What was she expecting? Look out for yourself, take your lawyers advice, and try to stay emotionally detached from her anger. This is so damn hard. Emotionally backrupting! I'll check in tomorrow.
