formless utterings...

[Dom R]

Dom, screaming and yelling isn't exactly effective unless one can clearly communicate what they are trying to convey. Something clear and direct would be much more effective than screaming actually. For years my W has picked fights and screamed and yelled at me. All it did was completely shut me down and made me avoid her and no longer listen to her.

Dave, that is you. Other men, are different.
(and I suspect that in certain situations, you wouldnt be so different either ;-)

both sandi and karen have already tried to communicate, clearly, and calmly. their husbands know what their wives want. (well, karen's does. sandi's, might use a little more help). They just dont think it's important enough for them to do anything about it.

Screaming and yelling about it, is about the only remaining way they have left, besides filing for divorce or moving out, that shows their husbands just how important this is to them.

When a person tells their spouse, "I want this", and the 'this' is going to involve significant effort/difficulty for the spouse to give to them... deciding what to do, becomes a tradeoff, on comparing how much overall hurt (collectively) there will be in doing nothing, vs doing what they want.

If a woman says to her husband, "i'd like that $10,000 piece of jewelry", but to get it, her husband would have to work 70 hours a week for 6 months... then the collective hurt analysis looks like the following:
Doing nothing == "wife doesnt get a fancy piece of jewelry"
Doing what she asked == 6 months of horrible stress and burden on the husband, just for one piece of jewelry.

So, odds are, he's not gonna do it. The husband makes a judgement call, "Well, ok, she told me that she 'wants it'. but she'll be ok if she doesnt get it. so I'm not going to put myself through that kind of h### for something she doesnt really need".


A similar kind of analysis goes on, for the wife asking for more sex, or the assorted things that Sandi would like from her husband. Inside, their husbands go through a silent cost/benefit analysis, and decide that "well, she doesnt 'REALLY' need it".
Both of their husbands actually care about them. They just dont think that it's important enough for them to go through that amount of effort, for something they think their wives can do without.

All the calm person-to-person talking in the world, probably wont change their minds. (with the exception of a calm biblical discussion in karen's case. which then becomes a 3-person argument: Karen, H, and God )

If, on the other hand, karen or sandi started yelling and screaming... that would be a total 180.. that would get their H's attention all by itself.. plus, it communicates by its very nature, "THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME! YOU CANT JUST IGNORE THIS!"

Your wife screams all the time. So it has no effect on you any more. However, sandi and karen never do that. So it would have a very dramatic effect on their H's.