Beware of "I'm the good guy. She's the bad guy" thinking. It will do nothing good for you or your relationship. And it probably isn't true. In every marriage there are actually two marriages...his marriage and her marriage. You might be quite surprised if you could see your marriage through your spouse's eyes. You might even wonder who it is she is married to! Please don't go down this path.
Earlier you mentioned that you get hostility when you bring the subject up. In other posts you have mentioned that you get defensive when she brings up stuff about you. You two have something in common. What would make you less defensive when she brings up stuff about you? Now do the same for her.
Is it possible she feels you're expecting sexual payment for your goodwill? Remember, it may not be how you think, but it may be how she interprets things. If so, that is a huge turnoff. Ledger books in marriages are generally not a good thing. But if they exist I'd put money on a lack of a match between his ledger book and her ledger book. And just think of the argument as they try to convince each other as to which is the right one!
As for misery, I do hope that the two of you can work something out, but the question you ultimately have to ask yourself is just how much are you willing to let the sex issue mess up your marriage and your life? You may think the only ball in the game is buried in concrete on her side of the court, but there is actually more than one ball in play.
