Hi there, I've been thinking about your situation a lot. I have so much empathy for you and your W. I have a few things I want to share with you. Please take it with a grain of salt.
When I read through your posts you sound almost obsessed with finding a way to change your W. If you have the same intense words, thoughts, emotions, vibes when around your W as you do here, I am pretty sure it may be pushing her further away. Desperation for another person to change is not attractive.
I am guessing that your W knows that she is not all you hoped for sexually. When we LD's know we are living up to our loved ones sexual expectations it is a painful place to be in. It is easy to become defensive and shut off. Also to feel like we are not good enough.
Knowing that we are not fullfilling our spouses needs and doing something about it are 2 completly different things. Although I knew what my H wanted I was still not able to give it to him. It was not on purpose, or because I didn't love him, or for some vendictive motive. I just couldn't. My heart and body would not allow me too. I don't know why. But I can tell you I felt horrible. And I carried a great burden on my shoulds of guilt, fear, anxiety. I wanted to be all I could for him but I just couldn't. Maybe your W feels the same.
You see, there is nothing, absolutly nothing that my H could have done to change me. I am changing now because I decided to change for myself. I wanted more passion. But the key is: I decided.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh but there may be nothing you can do to change her. You may driving yourself and W crazy looking for answers when there are none.
One thing I have decided to do is give my husband what "he" needs to feel loved. And to quit worring about my own needs so much. I have decided to love and accept him just the way he is. I have decided to quit trying to change him and start to change myself. I am asking myself and him what he needs to feel loved. And working my hardest to give it to him.
Maybe your W will never change. Can you love her for who she is? Can you accept her "as is". Have you asked her directly what you can do to love her the way "she" needs to be loved?
I'm not saying ignore your own needs. This weekend I made a very clear list for my H. In detail of my "emotional needs". Maybe he didn't know. Just like I didn't understand his. But I have decided to communicate as crystal clear as I possibly can what I need from him. I have also decided that if I don't get a thing from him I am still going to give him what he needs. I have decided that is my job, to make him feel loved, accepted, and cherished, however he needs me to.
Do you think you W feels 100% accepted, loved, cherished just the way she is? Do you think that you do truly love and accept her just the way she is? Have you made your needs crystal clear for her?
We can't change the way other people behave or think. We can only change our own behaviors and thoughts. Happiness doesn't come when others do what we want. It comes when we give of ourselves and expect nothing back.
Hope this is not too abrasive. These are just things that I have recently discovered for myself and thought I would share.
