I think you're correct that my wife has fallen into the habit of not having sex and that it's a very hard cycle to break. The fact that you were uncomfortable with both having and talking about sex sounds a lot like her. Even when she was comfortable having sex she was never comfortable talking about it. She's never been open to telling me what feels good, what turns her on, etc. which is frustrating because even if I find something that seems to work once, the next time it will be completely different. She acts like talking about it takes away the romance and that I should just know what she wants at any given time. Unfortunately I don't, and I especially don't now that we've gone so long with so little sex. I feel like we don't know each other physically anymore. And by the same token, since she's uncomfortable talking about sex I never tell her what I like because I'm afraid that I'll hurt her feelings or make her feel like she's doing something wrong. Guess I've gotten off on another subject, but as long as I'm on it I'm wondering if the sex-starved marriage has had the following effect on anyone else.
Even though it hasn't deterred my desire one bit, I have a lot of anxiety about sex that I didn't used to have. This anxiety seems to manifest itself in "less than spectacular" perfomance. On the rare occasions that my wife and I have had sex over the past few years, I'm always worried that if she doesn't have an orgasm she'll have even more of a reason not to desire sex. Instead of just being able to enjoy making love to her like I used to, this is all I can think about - and as you might guess I often don't last quite as long as she would like. Of course it doesn't help that my wife is no longer interested in foreplay - it's like she just wants to get it over with so that she can go several more weeks or months before having to do it again. Certainly doesn't do much for the male ego. I honestly think this is strictly a psychological problem that would quickly go away if sex became relatively frequent. It was never a problem in previous relationships anyway. Nonetheless it bothers me a lot and I don't know how to fix it.
Back to your post - it scares me a little that you said without the crisis of your husband leaving you for another woman, you're not sure if you'd have done anything about the lack of intimacy in your relationship. I don't want to have to leave my wife or have an affair before she'll take this problem seriously. But unfortunately that often seems to be the only thing that works. Is there anything your husband could have done or said, besides moving out and finding someone else, that would have convinced you to work on your intimacy problems? If I could get the magic answer to that question I think I'd have this problem licked!
Thanks for your response and please keep me in mind if you think of anything that might help.
