I'm sorry to see that your wife wasn't seriously interested in making it work.
As am I, but those goes without saying.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
I think you did the right thing.
Thank you for the support, it is very difficult. But W has been enabled with this behavior her entire life. I looked back and realized that she has always ran from her R's. While she started the running on this one, she seems very surprised that I've turned my back and walked away. Maybe, I can only hope, that I'm actually helping her. For now she will have to face herself without that support structure. But most likely she will build another false support structure around her.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
The DB process is mainly about working on making the most of yourself, and that's what you have done.
And continue to do. It is always about personel growth and experiance. Life is so meant to be enjoyed, but it isn't a kegger either, which is W's view. That leads to no where land. We see these people every day, and they are always baffled why they can't get ahead in life, why they are skipped over at work, why things don't work at as planned. They never grasp the concept of goals, achievment and success. Those are all defined differently be each of us, but W is searching for love, and has nothing but sexual liasons and will only end up on more drugs, probably with STD's and a said hard life with health issues. Thats a bummer, but I can't help or support her as a friend if that is what she chooses to do.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
At a certain point, like you discovered and many don't understand in the beginning, you have to actually try to find out if your spouse is even capable of supporting your growth. You could lower yourself to her level and maybe even make it work for awhile, but you can't continue to grow as a person and expect her to add anything to your life. She's an impediment to making the most of your life.
That is exactly DB in a nutshell! Unfortunetly, after standing back, I have realized that she is a negative in my life. She has chastitized me for my career choices, goal setting, even putting together budgets. Maybe I am too structured, however she is too loosy goosey. I've made so much progress after moving her out of the way, that I'm actually surprising myself, and I like the results. I also know that someone else will appreciate them as well.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
It sucks when you have feelings for someone, but she's like the cigarettes, you have to give her up (and them) because neither one of them actually makes life better...they are just something you crave. I don't believe that it's necessarily over forever, your wife could surprise you by actually working on her issues, but how long can you put your life on hold waiting for something that isn't likely to happen. She might make an effort for awhile and then just fall back into her learned pattern of behavior.
Damn smokes. Well I made a new friend who is a doc, and he is kicking my back side for those. So chantrix will be coming soon. I'm back in the gym and on the bike, can't keep both sides of that equation working, either get healthy or smoke, same as get her out of the way or be miserable waiting.
As for W, I love her dearly. I feel more sorry for her than anything, because I truly believe she is sick, the dopamine from hiding the secret sex life is too much for her to overcome. But I have a firm foundation in God, I pray often and read a lot, but while I don't necessarily attend a particular faith, I find it comforting. I know that if W were to turn her life towards God, things could change for her. I hope she finds that peace one day, but until then, she won't be able to straighten her life out.
Everyone thank you for the support. This site is truly amazing. If your a newcomer, you have to listen to what the veterans are telling you. I didn't get any of this, until I was pissed off, that I went dark not as a test with W, but for my own sanity. It's about believing in yourself and that you will be OK, and trust me, you will be OK. I went through weeks without eating, drinking heavily, losing weight and basically killing myself off. Well that got me no where, so take care of yourself, and live your life. This person isn't oxygen, they are a person only. It hurts to be stabbed in the back, but as if life and it may not kill you.
