Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

I'm feeling a bit frustrated and a little down today. It actually has nothing to do with my M - that is actually going great (at least as far as I can tell). H is going to bring some more stuff home this weekend. I'm ready, but I don't know if I'm ready. Does that make sense? I'm thrilled that he's coming back, but I'm dreading all the clutter and extra stuff around the house again. I don't mind the stuff, he's just not real great about putting it away in a timely manner. I will NOT sit around with boxes all over the house just to be thrilled he's home. We'll see, maybe he'll put it away.

Now to my real issue. I feel that my life is stagnating. I know, I know, how can someone that has just gone through a separation and has just really begun to put her M back together be frustrated because her life is stagnating. I'm bored. How can that be you may wonder? Well, here's how I see it. I did some thinking on a walk this morning.

Yes, H is coming back which is what I wanted most in the world. I still feel that we are tremendously compatible and have so many similar interests. I don't know that there is anybody else out there that could fill his shoes. So I am thrilled he's back. But, and here's the big but - I have always been fiercely independent. That actually was part of the problem. I wouldn't even depend on him so he felt not needed and taken for granted. Well, I have a severe case of wanderlust. I always have. I have now been in a town that I didn't plan on staying in for longer than 2 or 3 years (to finish school) for 11 years now. I have been at my job for 5.5 years - longer than I've been anywhere and I'm terrified of being a "lifer" there. There really is nothing else in my area that pays as well and they keep doing things that make me want to stay. My big fear is stagnating in my job. I don't want to be one of those people who stays someplace for 20 years. I don't even want to stay here 10. The longer I stay the harder it is to leave because of the comfort factor and I don't like that either. Arg. And finally I've been in my house for 4.5 years. I said I only wanted to stay for about 5 years. This is a two-fold issue. H doesn't really want to move. He moved a lot as a kid and young adult and actually has a bit of an irrational fear about moving. He equates it with instability since that is why he moved as a kid. Convincing him is going to be tough. The other of course is the housing market. It just plain isn't a good time to be selling. Logic tells me to wait on this one.

I thrive on challenges and change and other than my M I'm not getting that. I know I should be grateful for the stability in the other parts of my life, and I am. But I get bored easily. I'm afraid to bring this up to my H because I know what he'll think. Some of this was part of the problem. He wants to stay in our area and I want to move. I want to explore and find a new job with its new challenges and he wants to stay put.

Then there's the one last component to my frustration and this is completely rooted in H and it is definitely NOT worth bringing up to him. It would serve no purpose other than to make him angry. I have debt. It's not terrible and I can pay it off. But I was on a really good track to getting everything paid off in a fairly short amount of time because of our combined income. He left me without warning. I needed to come up with an extra $1000/month just to get by to cover what he usually did, not to mention the attorneys fees that we have both now accrued. Forget paying off my bills ahead of schedule like I had. Now I'm way behind (on my schedule, not on my payments, they're fine)! It set me back. I know it will eventually get paid off, but I was looking forward to it sooner rather than later. I was looking forward to that "extra" money that wasn't designated to pay off a bill and could be used for fun. Now I have to wait. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and now it has moved and is just a pinhole of light again. I find it terribly unfair and frustrating.

So, there it is. If you've read this and stuck with me, thank you. You deserve a prize. I just needed to vent and I guess to rant a bit. I don't have any answers and I don't know if I will come up with any. I guess I will just have to take it day by day. Grrr.