Keep your positive momentum going. With school work off of your plate for awhile, work on the GAL. Your will notice! Remind yourself of all of the positives in your life right now and it will boost you through the day. Even when your feeling great, remiond yourself of all of the effort you have put in. What you are experiencing now is your reward.
Mmmm . . . massages. I have the most wonderful co-workers a person could ask for. Back when I announced to my department that H had left me and I was going through a really rough time they got me a really nice card and a gift certificate for a massage. Ahhhhh. I told them I was going to wait until my finals were done so that I could really relax. That night was tonight. It was so good and my H is so stressed at work that I bought him a gift certificate tonight. It's not for Christmas or any particular reason other than I know that work has really been stressing him out. To sum up how work has been going for him I got an email with the subject line of "Blarg" today.
I have been working very hard at validating him in his position, understanding his frustration and making sure that I don't add any more to it in his personal life. I've been listening and not criticizing or suggesting things he could do instead. I've been just trying really hard to listen and validate his feelings. So, that is why I decided he deserves a massage too. Now I'm all relaxed and enjoying a nice glass of adult beverage. It's quite blissful.
In the meanwhile H is on call for work and had to take a call while he was talking with me (we're still S). He wasn't real thrilled. He's been fighting computer issues at home and thinks he may have to break down and buy a new one. He wasn't quite ready to do that, but it would beat having to troubleshoot issues every night instead of just being able to, I dunno, use it. Anyway. My stress has abated and now I'm trying to be patient with his. I am so looking forward to our time together next week. We're both taking off work and doing nothing - and as I've told friends - I will be relishing in doing nothing.
I'm feeling at peace tonight.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
I've been doing so good lately and tonight I'm a little blue. Not too bad. It's just that this is the first Wednesday since H and I have been piecing that we're not together. I know, it probably became too routine or something, but it's still a let down. I don't even know why I'm down. I just finished only minutes ago eating my dinner. I had so many other things going on, including wrapping Christmas gifts, that I really didn't have time to think about much else. Now the dog is bugging me to play with her.
I will try to keep the PMA up, but tonight is a bit of a downer. We'll see what tomorrow holds.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
I'm better today. I was better last night. H came by. I was still in kind of a bummed mood when he came over and wasn't sure how I was going to behave. I did fine. I let him vent about his terrible day at work and he thanked me for letting him do that. That actually set the tone and all was good from there. Not to mention that hugs are the best. They make me feel all warm and comforted.
Now we are probably going to be spending the next several days together. I don't know if he is planning on spending them all with me - it's okay if he does and it is okay if he doesn't. We both have taken the next week off from work. I usually do and he decided he needed the time and wanted to spend it with me. It'll be a good "test" period as we move closer to him moving back in. Still no idea when. It doesn't really bother me, most days I don't even think about it. I don't push it.
It's weird how resilient humans really are. You would think that living in the limbo of him on his own and me on my own would really bug me knowing that we're working on getting back together. But it actually doesn't. I go about my days and do my thing and I'm sure he does the same. We talk on the phone every night, kind of like when we were dating. But we're both pretty independent. Maybe that's what this whole GAL thing is all about. My C praises me/us for what we are doing. He says that we are getting a second courtship. We are getting the opportunity to be stronger. And most importantly, when we get through this we should be standing as two strong individuals that are together, but separate. That is what he says the long-term couples achieve. They are not intertwined but rather are two individuals that choose to be together and support each other. That is my goal.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
I'm going to keep this brief, but I think things are moving along in a really positive direction. H and I just spent the last 11 days together pretty much non-stop. We both took off work and were relishing in the thought of spending all this undivided time together doing nothing. It was great. I don't want to return to work.
So I was expecting him to go back to his friend's (where he's been living) tonight and I was going to be sad. Instead he tells me he's just going to run back to his friend's grab some clothes for work and come back and spend the night. He will have to go back to his friend's one of these days, but I don't have to be sad tonight. I will face it when I need to and I will be strong because I think it still needs to happen. I don't think he's ready to move back yet, but I do think we're getting a lot closer. I'm content. Peace.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
This is all really good to hear TB!! You know exactly what you should be feeling and you allow yourself to do so, but with limits. You know there is a huge reward for your effort!
It looks like things are going well. I felt they were, but my H reassured it. He asked yesterday if it was okay if he moved back in. Yea!!! He still owes his friend a 30 day notice and I told him that was fine and that he could do whatever he needs to. He's been staying at our house since before Christmas and he hasn't left. We've been doing really well. I also took the opportunity to tell him that I don't want him to give up his weightlifting and guitar-playing (he hasn't recently) just because he's moving back in. I told him those are obviously things that make him feel better and I don't want him to give them up just because we're a couple again. He promised me that he won't. That makes me happy. They are things that he re-discovered when we were separated that made him feel good and let him re-discover his individuality that I think he felt he lost. I don't want him to lose them again.
Things are going well!!!
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
I'm feeling a bit frustrated and a little down today. It actually has nothing to do with my M - that is actually going great (at least as far as I can tell). H is going to bring some more stuff home this weekend. I'm ready, but I don't know if I'm ready. Does that make sense? I'm thrilled that he's coming back, but I'm dreading all the clutter and extra stuff around the house again. I don't mind the stuff, he's just not real great about putting it away in a timely manner. I will NOT sit around with boxes all over the house just to be thrilled he's home. We'll see, maybe he'll put it away.
Now to my real issue. I feel that my life is stagnating. I know, I know, how can someone that has just gone through a separation and has just really begun to put her M back together be frustrated because her life is stagnating. I'm bored. How can that be you may wonder? Well, here's how I see it. I did some thinking on a walk this morning.
Yes, H is coming back which is what I wanted most in the world. I still feel that we are tremendously compatible and have so many similar interests. I don't know that there is anybody else out there that could fill his shoes. So I am thrilled he's back. But, and here's the big but - I have always been fiercely independent. That actually was part of the problem. I wouldn't even depend on him so he felt not needed and taken for granted. Well, I have a severe case of wanderlust. I always have. I have now been in a town that I didn't plan on staying in for longer than 2 or 3 years (to finish school) for 11 years now. I have been at my job for 5.5 years - longer than I've been anywhere and I'm terrified of being a "lifer" there. There really is nothing else in my area that pays as well and they keep doing things that make me want to stay. My big fear is stagnating in my job. I don't want to be one of those people who stays someplace for 20 years. I don't even want to stay here 10. The longer I stay the harder it is to leave because of the comfort factor and I don't like that either. Arg. And finally I've been in my house for 4.5 years. I said I only wanted to stay for about 5 years. This is a two-fold issue. H doesn't really want to move. He moved a lot as a kid and young adult and actually has a bit of an irrational fear about moving. He equates it with instability since that is why he moved as a kid. Convincing him is going to be tough. The other of course is the housing market. It just plain isn't a good time to be selling. Logic tells me to wait on this one.
I thrive on challenges and change and other than my M I'm not getting that. I know I should be grateful for the stability in the other parts of my life, and I am. But I get bored easily. I'm afraid to bring this up to my H because I know what he'll think. Some of this was part of the problem. He wants to stay in our area and I want to move. I want to explore and find a new job with its new challenges and he wants to stay put.
Then there's the one last component to my frustration and this is completely rooted in H and it is definitely NOT worth bringing up to him. It would serve no purpose other than to make him angry. I have debt. It's not terrible and I can pay it off. But I was on a really good track to getting everything paid off in a fairly short amount of time because of our combined income. He left me without warning. I needed to come up with an extra $1000/month just to get by to cover what he usually did, not to mention the attorneys fees that we have both now accrued. Forget paying off my bills ahead of schedule like I had. Now I'm way behind (on my schedule, not on my payments, they're fine)! It set me back. I know it will eventually get paid off, but I was looking forward to it sooner rather than later. I was looking forward to that "extra" money that wasn't designated to pay off a bill and could be used for fun. Now I have to wait. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and now it has moved and is just a pinhole of light again. I find it terribly unfair and frustrating.
So, there it is. If you've read this and stuck with me, thank you. You deserve a prize. I just needed to vent and I guess to rant a bit. I don't have any answers and I don't know if I will come up with any. I guess I will just have to take it day by day. Grrr.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
I decided to start wearing my wedding ring again. I was going to ask my H if/when he thought it would be okay since we are now living together again - and quite happily I might add. We even went to a cousin's B-Day party (his cousin) this weekend. Apparently we are ready to even present to his family. So, this morning getting ready for work I decided to put my ring on. I'll see if he says anything tonight, otherwise I might just bring it up. I also want to do a little check in with him to make sure he's happy and we're not sinking back into the way we were. I don't want to go back to that. I think we're still doing okay as HE was the one that asked to move back in the weekend before last without any prompting, hinting, or suggesting from me. I haven't brought it up since we first started talking again. He did this on his own.
In the meanwhile I have made sure to be more aware of his needs and feelings since as he claims, is more sensitive than he thought. That's okay. It's hard for me as I'm not a real feelings kind of person, but I've been working very hard at it. Additionally, his LL is touch so I've been working very hard at that too.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
