You need to figure out who you are and accept that. Then figure out who you want to be and strive to become that. After that, it doesn't matter so much what other people think about you or say about you...even a spouse.
Reading your list, what leaps out at me is that you're expecting her to enforce your boundaries. It just doesn't work that way. Other people treat us however they want. All we get to do is define what treatment we'll tolerate and what treatment we won't.
Burg,
That may be one of the best posts I've ever read on ANY message board, and one of the greatest insights, period.
