From my personal archives. Newlywed, STUDY THIS--- there WILL be a test.
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This is a list of the qualities of poorly differentiated and well differentiated people that a counselor gave me and my bf a couple of years ago. She was a therapist who followed the Schnarch philosophy. I suspect you’ll see yourself, your partner, former partners, or your parents here… maybe ALL of them.
Poorly differentiated people:
Pressure others (important others) to accommodate them regardless of that it costs. “If you love me, you will_______! I can’t survive if you don’t do what I want you to. I can’t survive if I do what YOU want.”
Give in (sell out) because of fear of rejection.
Have to leave relationships emotionally or physically in order to resist the pressure to conform (give up themselves).
Accuse others of trying to control them when others resist being controlled.
Monitor how much they disclose about themselves so as to please others or avoid conflict.
Have families where it’s true that “When Dad/Mom is unhappy, ain’t NOBODY happy!”
Have chronic anxiety that is easily stirred up and difficult to calm down.
Take things personally, are on the defensive much of the time. Are easily “hurt” by others, feel “guilty” for having their own needs, feelings, interests, or opinions that are not shared by their important other(S).
Feel responsible for others’ lives and happiness, and for solving their problems.
Feel rejected when important others disagree with them.
Need to control someone else’s behavior or feelings in order for them to manage themselves. In other words, they need someone to do X before they can do/feel Y.
Rely on external activities or substances that are often labeled “addictive” in order to manage their feelings.
The interesting thing about the qualities of good differentiation below is that you may very well react with surprise that it’s not only OKAY to be some of these ways, but it’s actually pretty healthy, for example not solving other people’s problems, or stay calm when a loved one is “losing it.”
Well differentiated people:
Value their self-respect above all else. This is another way of saying they have integrity or that they live by their values.
Manage their own feelings, calm themselves, and then choose how they respond to others rather than reacting out of anxiety.
Confront themselves instead of blaming others for their own circumstances or consequences of their own choices.
Recognize that "it's not about me" when someone near and dear "loses it" or becomes anxious. They don't personalize others' behavior.
Validate themselves rather than rely on others to do it for them all the time.
Refuse to sell themselves out of betray their values in order to maintain a relationship.
Refuse to project their own conflicts onto their partners, and refuse to allow others to project theirs onto them. They fight their own battles within themselves where the fight belongs.
Know the difference between themselves and others: what is me and what is not me.
Take responsibility for themselves. They do not take responsibility for others’ choices or consequences.
Have their feelings rather than their feelings having them.
Have deeply connected relationships, since they can tolerate closeness without undue anxiety about fusing or distancing.
Support the emotional growth of others toward greater differentiation by their refusal to participate in fused behaviors.
You need to figure out who you are and accept that. Then figure out who you want to be and strive to become that. After that, it doesn't matter so much what other people think about you or say about you...even a spouse.
Reading your list, what leaps out at me is that you're expecting her to enforce your boundaries. It just doesn't work that way. Other people treat us however they want. All we get to do is define what treatment we'll tolerate and what treatment we won't.
Burg,
That may be one of the best posts I've ever read on ANY message board, and one of the greatest insights, period.
You need to figure out who you are and accept that. Then figure out who you want to be and strive to become that. After that, it doesn't matter so much what other people think about you or say about you...even a spouse
Well I'll be the voice of dissent here and say I would not be able to maintain a happy M in the face of my H saying things about me or doing things to me that I felt were invalidating. If my H started calling me names or insulting the way I look, or whatever, I don't think we would be able to maintain any type of intimacy or passion. Why would I want to have sex with a person who was just plain mean? Him too? So until you resolve the whole issue of maintaining HONOR (which we talked about yesterday) I don't think your R can survive. As we have seen on these boards all too often. It's not about holding onto yourself as much as being willing to let another person in.
Look out for #8. I was kind of baffled when I saw "Working Out" in the NMMNG book. It has many positives, but the nevgatives of working out are, it increases your sex drive, and it exposes you to many fine ladies who at the gym.
(LFL) Well I'll be the voice of dissent here and say I would not be able to maintain a happy M in the face of my H saying things about me or doing things to me that I felt were invalidating.
Right. So what would you do about it?
It's not about holding onto yourself as much as being willing to let another person in.
I don't understand. You say if you were being invalidated you wouldn't have intimacy or passion or sex with the person invalidating you, yet you'd be willing to let them in?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Well now you've got me really thinking...because I've never been in a R with a man who I would consider mean. I've never considered my H mean even though we were not having sex that often and that made me feel invalidated. And even when he left he didn't want to be mean about it, even though it was as invalidating as it comes I guess. But he was always so "nice" about the whole thing. Huh. So maybe my boundary/dealbreaker is mean people. lol. I just don't accept it and never have. I've never been in that situation probably because I never allow myself to be. Similar to what you were saying about know who you are and what you want. hhmmmmmm I guess I know that part of myself fairly well. And I like that part of myself. So I wouldn't stay in a R/M in that case.
Quote:
I don't understand. You say if you were being invalidated you wouldn't have intimacy or passion or sex with the person invalidating you, yet you'd be willing to let them in?
I guess what I'm saying is that if I find that person honorable and someone worthy of my time and effort, I need to let them in completley. Not all half-azzed. That is what I was doing by wasting my time with soldier boy and every other avoidance tactic to prevent me from committing to H. I just wasn't willing to let him in and neither was he, until recently. Because we were finally willing to validate each other the way we both needed. He could have easily let his ego/pride whatever you want to call it prevent him from letting me back in and I could have done the same after he left. But we love each other, are good to each other most of the time, and didn't want to let our mistakes ruin the best R either one of us ever had and probably will ever have. Not sure if that cleared it up or not but that's sort of where I was going with that train of thought.
In response to Lillypearls post - I would say we are both poorly differentiated people. I think both of us fit virtually all the qualities. Its out 2 month anniversary today. Im expceting a fight when i get home because of the conversation and an e-mail (Not the one from here a totally unrelated one) i sent her today. I think it might be the time to throw down the gauntlet and use the go to counseling or just go card.
okay. I'm holding off. I don't want to waste my Pointy Witch Shoes on this poor slug... but... I'm getting an 'itch.' Someone save this poor scoundrel from my shoes... azzhole.
