My sitch is pretty much the same as Jen381's. I realized I missed the intimate relationship we had. Not having sex for so long kind of developed into a habit for me. A habit that needed to be broken especially since my H moved out and this being part of the problem. I wanted to save our marriage. My H, like you are fearing, I'm sure was driven to ow by my behavior. I don't know exactly how far their relationship went but if they had not had sex yet it was pretty darn close. We talked one night and I stated very, very strongly (which is a 180 for me) that I wanted her out of the picture and that she was a bigger problem then just sex. He had been sharing all his thoughts and feelings with her instead of me for a long time. I was feeling very shut out. To which he responded with an "I have to think about it". Much to my surprise, she was gone the very next day!
I knew I had to act fast. I did a 180 and invited him to go away for the weekend. I acted "as if" I were the sexist woman alive. I brought lingerie, books, candles, you get the picture. This is something I (or either one of us) have never done before in 13 years of marriage. It turned out that he brought a few of these things too. I felt a little uncomfortable at first because it had been such a long time. I could have very easily dodged sex, which I thought about because I was so uneasy. I forced myself to get the ball rolling. After a while, I really was in the mood and it was pretty good. We even talked about sex (which we had never done either) by reading some of the books out loud. This was also uncomfortable for me because I wasn't used to it. But I just bit the bullet and talked and you know what? Both doing it and talking about it got easier and easier. Now I have to make sure that I can keep it up (no pun intended) and don't fall back into the no sex habit. My H is moving back in this weekend and we will keep working on the r.
The moral of my story is that maybe your wife has fallen into this same habit which is very hard to break. With out my crisis I'm not sure if I would have done it either. What my H could have done if I had not taken charge was to not put any pressure on me to have sex-that only drove me further away. Be more romantic without the expectation of sex. What does it for me is when he does things for me that are totally unexpected and thoughtful-being very sweet. Heck, taking out the trash without being asked can be a turn on. You sound very thoughtful, just put some of this into action without expectations and maybe she will come around.
A change of scenery is great, and I agree, being somewhat direct about what you want is good too-ask her if she is in the mood instead of touching since that is uncomfortable for her. If she says no, be patient and maybe suggest that just cuddling would be ok with you tonight because you want to be close to her. And most of all keep letting her know how much you love her.
I hope any of this is useful to you. Maybe knowing that your lack of sex is not necessarily her lack of desire for you but a lack of practice might help.
