Living together as semi-polite strangers

[mishka422]

OK, that does it! I had this thought this morning and I didn't want it to be right but I had to know for myself. H was working at a middle school crossing this morning until 8:30a. He has dentist at 11:00a. That was going to leave him quite a bit of time between and OW lives just down street from department.

I told him that he had to cut all ties immediately to OW if he were sincerely back in this house to work on our marriage. I knew he hasn't, now I have definite proof. I swung by her house 10 minutes after I talked to him this morning and found out by what he didn't say that he has stopped his direct deposit and will be getting a paper check so who knows how much of that he's going to actually put in account. He told me he was still at department when I talked to him (about 9:05a). He thought I was on my way to work. Little did he know I was right around the corner from him. I waited about 10 minutes and drove over to her house. Sure enough.....his car is sitting out front. OUR CAR!!!! I carry my digital in my purse everywhere I go. I took about 6 pictures of his car sitting there right next to hers. Called my cousin and told her to call her PI friend because I want pictures of the two of them together next. I need all the ammunition I can get. He is NOT going to get this D without a massive fight from me. At this point I am positive I don't want him back. He's a lying, cheating betrayer and there is no way I could ever rebuild trust in him. I'm done.

God has put me in this place so that I can come to peace with this. I am sure of it. This has been in his plan all along and I have to follow it. If it is in God's plan for my H to turn his life around then so be it but I will not sit idle and let my H walk over me and get everything he wants with no work from him whatsoever. I am more convinced now than ever that his L told him to get home so that he could claim irreconcileable differences. WRONG! I'm building the proof right now that I need to prove that wrong in the eyes of the court. GA does not look kindly on adulterers.

[kissak]

Im so sorry Mishka...but you have to understand that the OW is like a drug to them....it takes time to get over them...

Dont do anything you might regret until you calm down and think things through.

Im so sorry. I know how you feel though. I caught the OW picking my H up from his apt once and taking him to her house. Talk about being sneaky!

This men have really lost it. And our respect along with it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

When a person is done, they are done.
Normally I don't try and sway them, what's the point. A waste of time better used elsewhere.

In this case What the hell Mishka?

You have been here what? 2 months? Were you expecting to be the miracle LBS with the miracle MLCer?

If you don't have the patience, you can't do this.
If you cannot forgive this is pointless.
If you don't let them actually go, they won't try to reconnect.

A few months of hell, that's all you have in you? That's all your marriage is worth?

Yeah, the OW the betrayal, the liar...blah blah blah.

The night you know that your children are sleeping in the same tiny apartment with a room right next to the one that they are f-ing each other's brains out in, that is a whole different sense of betrayal.

If you are done, then yes, be done.

If your marriage and the man you loved is worth more than a few months of this crap, then you will need to learn patience, to control your anger, and to learn some of the tools of DBing to keep you sane.

[mishka422]

Jack,

You're right. I know it. I don't think I can stand the fact that he looked me in the eyes and lied directly into them, again. What's that saying, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I will NOT be made a fool of. I am not going to confront him about any of this but I am getting back up. I can not do anything to contest this D he put in motion unless I drag all of this laundry into the street. If I don't contest it with allegations of adultery then it will be final in 60 days no if's, and's or but's. This is the only way I can slow all of this down. I don't like it but he's left me no choice. I won't be walked on and I won't just let him have his D! Do you really think I could DB after the D is final and I didn't even get to fight because this state has such a short turn around? The timeframe I am up against is the problem.

No, I didn't think I was going to have some miracle. I thought I'd have time to work through this. Time for him to figure out what he was doing. But no, he files for D. Nothing I can do quickly enough to stop it other than put all of his crap out there. It's only going to serve to p.o. him more and drive him further away. I don't know what else to do! How else do you drag out a D? GA doesn't even require that your financials and child support are in order before they grant a D. They allow that to be figured out later.

I watch this stranger in MY house, sleeping in MY bed, eating MY food and it irritates the snot out of me! I don't want it to be MINE, I want it to be OURS. OURS, get it. I don't want to lose my H, I don't want to give him up without a fight. This 60 day timeframe will kill me and us.

What else can I do? Anyone have any ideas?

[hopefloats7]

mishka,

first of all,
He's never been like this before and suddenly he makes a complete 180 in his personality. If I didn't know better I would swear he was on drugs. Before anyone asks, he isn't. He's tested at work all the time without warning.
I have posted this, word for word, many times before in regards to my own H. I know what you are talking about when you write this. I have seen the completely bizarre behavior, too.

About the adultery; there is nothing wrong with you fending for yourself here. I did it. Well, I didn't take photos but I had a photo from H's computer of the two of them together, copies of his credit card statements with all the spending, copies of emails where he talked about himself with ow, stuff like that. In the end, you can only depend on yourself so I think you are smart to compile what you might need if this goes to a D.

Your H may very well have moved home so that it didn't look like abandonment. I remember when my H moved out he was very very scared I would file and use that against him. Let's face it, in your H's line of work he sees a lot of this and he probably has friends of his telling him the ins and outs so he doesn't hang himself totally.

He will look you in the face and lie. They become masters at it. He will continue to tell you it's over with ow, but it won't be; not that fast anyway.

It is a long, painful journey. Can you ask him to sleep on the sofa or another room just so you have a peaceful place of your own?

You will read here thread after thread, that these adults cannot be talked into stopping what they are doing. Every single spouse that posts here tried that and it did not work. He will have to come to the decision on his own. What you have to decide is what you want to do while that's going on, because it isn't going to happen tomorrow, I'm afraid.

I truly wish I had better things to say about this, but he's freshly into replay and he will act like the worst husband imaginable for a while.

I am thinking of you; so sorry this is so hard. There are so many of us that understand.

[mishka422]

Hope,

I hear you and intelectually I know what you and everyone else are saying is the truth. I would love to be able to look past his infidelity and forgive. I honestly thought I had begun to but having it thrown in my face again this morning was too much for me. He will continue to lie and I don't think I can live with a liar. It turns my stomach to know he can look me in the eyes and do that. I wish I could ask him to sleep on the couch but unfortunately I have my sick mother here and she is in the living room until 1am-2am watching TV so he can't sleep there.

I wouldn't be so panicked about it it if weren't for this 60 days limit hanging over my head. I have to contest it in order to make it drag but you have to contest for specific grounds and adultery is the only grounds I have. I don't want to do this but he's leaving me no choice. I will not have my life controlled for me.

I am so angry still right now but we sat and ate dinner together and it was ok. I did tell him tonight that he might want to check up on his lawyer because he's paying them good money for this and I still haven't been served. His 60 days doesn't start until I get served as far as I know. I have to get a L ASAP but I just DON'T WANT TO! I just feel that is going to push him past his breaking point if he finds out I hired one (of course, the fact that he did and actually filed shouldn't bother me, right?)

I keep praying for guidance and every turn I make seems to lead me to a new discovery about him (that I wasn't really looking for) that I don't like and don't know if I could live with. I'm so torn up about this. I don't believe in D, I believe that you marry the one God chose for you and you stay with that person until the day you die. I ran away from my H for almost 2 years when we first met (dated but wouldn't let it go anywhere else) because I was afraid of the feelings he caused me to have. I was scared that someone else I loved would leave me (I had so many tragic deaths in my family..grandpa, dad, close aunts and uncles, and serious boyfriends just suddenly dump me out of nowhere that gunshy would be an understatement).

I suppose I'm going to have to sit down and figure out what to do with my life or what is left of it. I have outside interests so that's not a problem. I have my church and my extended family that I'm very close to and I have my wonderful fantastic son. He's so special and such a sweet loving boy. I would hate for his dad's actions to drum that out of him. I'm trying to protect him from all of this but he feels the tension, he knows what his dad has done (although thankfully he doesn't really understand what it really means), but I'm afraid that he is hoping for too much. I'm scared for him.

[Punktmann]

Mishka,

You will read here thread after thread, that these adults cannot be talked into stopping what they are doing. Every single spouse that posts here tried that and it did not work.


HF7 is right, every single one of us tried this at some time. I doubt you can find a single poster here who will say that they met with success. It does NOT work. R talk is pressure. Pressure drives them away.

I've done all these things and more. I can't count the things I did and said that didn't work, but worked against what I want, so I'm not being critical here.


I thought I'd have time to work through this. Time for him to figure out what he was doing. But no, he files for D.

We can't judge their internal situation by our standards. We want them to get through it on our time. This isn't how it works.

I recently read a bunch of writings by persons "in" MLC. I think that might have been the worst two days in my entire 3 year situtation. In addition to other hurtful realizations, it did make me finally fully internalize what I previously thought I understood. This is not about me, and there is NOTHING, not a DA#* thing that I can do to impact this.

This is THEIR problem to be dealt with by THEM on THEIR timeline. Were you perfect, probably not, none of us are. Can you make a change that will wake him up, or bring him back? Not a chance. If/when he comes back to the M/R, it will be because he has found that he wants to within himself.


The only thing we CAN do is stop, and I mean STOP, doing anything with an eye towards influencing them.


Nothing I can do quickly enough to stop it other than put all of his crap out there. It's only going to serve to p.o. him more and drive him further away. I don't know what else to do!

You can not stop this. You CAN drive him further away. There are times and issues to draw boundaries with, but right now you are reacting from anger and resentment. We understand that. We all did the same things, that is why we are all saying it won't work.


I know this sucks. I know exactly where you are, My W has filed but is still here, and I have been waiting for 5 weeks for word on the final settlement conference. Waiting for the shoe to drop. I too am living with her as a semi-polite stranger.

Hang tough, and refocus your energy where it belongs right now, on yourself, and your son.

[mishka422]

So you've got a 60 day time limit too? If I thought for an instant that he would put a hold on this D he filed for I wouldn't panic so much but I really think he's looking at this as 60 days until he can say "he gave it a try" and move on without really ever trying.

Last night I let something stupid happen and now I feel like total cr*p. My H turned over in the middle of the night and held me like he always used to. It woke me up enough (out of my Ambien sleep) for me to realize what he was doing and it felt so nice that I put my hand over his and fell back asleep. He eventually let go and rolled back over. Shortly after that I realized that he was messing around with me and I let him. Not only did I let him, I enjoyed it and reciprocated. Knowing what I know about what he did yesterday morning how did I let that happen? How did I just offer myself up as a middle of the night playtoy to him? Now I just feel like I've been used and tossed aside again. I swear, he brings all my emotions to the surface but for him it's just sex, no tenderness, no love, nothing. Why did I do this to myself? I knew better.

How do I move past this?

[Punktmann]

Mishka, Actually my state has a 90 day minimum time limit. There is no maximum that I am aware of. Why is this important?

After the final bomb, she fast tracked the D. Fast track to the point of agreeing to go to MC for a few months right before the bomb, so that she could avoid the state requirement of 90 days of MC before the D.

This is important b/c for a few reasons.

Our minimum time is up tomorrow. The way she was originally fast tracking it, she should have set up the date for the settlement conference a month ago.

Maybe she didn't want the stress over the holidays.

Maybe when she found out after the 1st settlement conf. that the settlement wasn't going to go the way she had fantasized about, (and it was a COMPLETE fantasy,) She has stopped to regroup and figure out what to do next.

Maybe she is having temporary doubts b/c of the emotioinal stress of the holidays.

Maybe she is really having second thoughts.

I don't allow myself to hope or expect the last one, but it is there.

Anyway, the point is that as Jack3Beans pointed out to me when I was in the place you are now, (and I was, most of us were,) "you don't know that you will be divorced in three months. You might, but you may not be."

Even if he files, there are a lot of things that will happen between now and the 60th day. Most of those things will be an awakening process for him, without your help if you want this to work. I'm not saying this will change his mind, but I believe strongly that fighting it will be detrimental to an MLCer's mindset if your goal is eventual reconciliation.

Even if he files, which is better? The slow self-realization that he is closing the door on his safe place, losing time with his son, drastically changing his financial sitch; or a resentful building up of the idea that he is getting away from someone who appears to be trying to control him? Trying to stop or slow down the divorce will make him feel that way.

BTW, I felt like that too, exactly. But I didn't see any improvement at all in our interactions until I finally withdrew from the stance of fighting it, and simply said "I understand that this is what you believe is best for you, but it is not the best for me, or the kids. I will not fight you or make this harder than it already is."



So, the big point I am trying to make is that there was no improvement at all in my sitch until I STOPPED trying to control the D, change her mind, or do things that made her feel pressure. Also, even with concerted GAL activity, there was no improvement in the way she looked at me until I dropped the pretense of aiming some of those at pleasing her. When I dropped that and got off the da*& eggshells, there was a marked change in the way that she interacts with me.

Even with all that, there has only been a reduction in hostility, and a shift to being in limbo for the D.

This is what they mean when they say baby steps.

Hopefully some of the ladies can give you insight on the other question.

[mishka422]

Thank you Punktmann. Your insight really help to settle me down an little. I'm getting myself back into a really dark place again and I had worked at getting out of that. I really had worked so hard at it but it was certainly easier without him in my face everyday. I don't understand why he came back. I told him I wanted him back in the house so we could work on it but only if he truly wanted that and could put her behind him. He knows how I feel about infidelity. He knows the idea makes me sick. Yet, again, today, he is right back at her place. Yesterday and today! Today! After last night he is still at her place today. I can't tell him to leave and go back to her because that could mess me up in the end (if it comes to that).

I think I'm going to have to ignore him completely and only speak to him when directly spoken to. Treat him like I was when he was out of the house. No contact unless he initiates it. Pretty difficult when he is in the same bed. He initiated the contact last night, not me. I let it make me think that he wanted me and our relationship.....what an idiot I am. I don't know how I can allow him to keep making such a fool out of me. I've never considered myself a weak woman but obviously I am when it comes to him.

I almost feel worse now than I did when he left. I wish he'd just go away so I could figure myself out without him.