In Support of Strong Puppy

[MJontheMend]

For one specific example, about 4.5 years into our marriage we went to a party given by a woman he worked with (the woman who became his first significant EA). I knew no one at the party. Within 20 minutes of walking in, she had grabbed his hand and said she wanted to talk to him alone and walked him over to a couch where the two of them sat down. I simply mingled and talked with others and had a good time. I hardly looked over at them except to smile and after an hour and a half or more when others finally started sitting down and talking with them, I wandered over. This was the first time I had met this woman and my XH had become such good friends with her that I was expecting to become friends with her too. So they are still sitting side by side on the couch. She drank directly from his beer bottle and leans her head on him. WTF? I still stay completely calm. When we finally leave I don't say anything about her behavior for awhile and we talk about others at the party, blah blah blah. Finally I gently ask about his friend's behavior and immediately I get jumped on. "I knew you'd say something. That's just the ways she is - touchy feely. You're so insecure."

Okay, let me pick out the adjectives you used to describe your own behavior; calm, gentle. IMO, you were acting more strong cow than strong bunny. You were acting like a good adult rather tha a good child. The problem is you were acting strong cow in relation to your X's dysfunctional monkey rather than in relation to strong puppy behavior. I did this ALL THE TIME in my marriage. The same scene could have played out in my sich except typically there would have been 8 more beers and just maybe another woman involved. Let me explain the difference between strong cow and strong bunny. Strong cow is loving, mature, kind etc. and would remain calm in the face of monkey behavior. Strong bunny is lovable, vulnerable, childlike and desirous/deserving of care. What you might have done in this situation is sat down on the sofa with the two monkeys, smiled and smoothed your pretty little dress and said "I'm kind of thirsty." thereby forcing your X to choose which woman he is going to supply with beer. If he ignored you, you could have gotten up and approached a male friend who was just a friend and asked him to drive you home from the party making it clear to your H that there are men who will supply you with care if he is not willing and you have no intention of carrying the unfair burden of caring for your own bunny and his dysfunctional monkey.