H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[ntl]

ntl -
Can an older, wiser (sadly) woman put her two cents in?

Do not make babies with this man.

Sure - he's doing the "right" things right now. i admire him for that. And if you want to stay married to him and help him fix his problem, that's your choice. But DO NOT make babies with this guy!!!!

Why do I say this? First of all, the risk that a cheater will repeat is very high. My H was not a sex addict. Just a slightly vulnerable, depressed and ambivalent guy who succumbed to an old girlfriend right before our marriage. Thought we had it resolved but because he didn't fully deal with his underlying issues, it happened again 17 years later when he turned 40. The effect on my kids was devastating - and my H never left the house, was/is an excellent dad, the situation turned around quickly, etc. Still, my kids bear scars.

Now, let's look at your H. This isn't just a little case of "gee, maybe there's something better out there, maybe I married too young" like my H. This isn't a case of a guy who let a woman friend at work get a little too close and next thing he knew he was "in love". This is a guy who was calling sleazy chat lines looking for hookups. Who risked giving you AIDS and who knows what else and didn't give it a second thought. (Yes, typical WASs take that risk too, but mostly they have relatively low-risk partners. H should have assumed ANY woman he met on a chat line is high risk!).And if you think a guy who does that only slept with two women, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.

Anyway - I digress. My point here is this: you're young, you haven't started your family yet, and your H has already shown you his morals and coping skills are poor. Yes, he might get help and improve those things. But honestly, the risk that he will repeat at some point in his life is very, very high. Even if he beats his compulsions - what's the likelihood that when he hits 40 or 50 and has a midlife crisis that he's going to have the moral fortitude to resist an affair with his cute young secretary? Pretty slim, I'd say. So is it fair to your future children to choose this man to be their father? You may be willing to risk the pain of a recurrence, but are you willing to risk putting your kids through that?

Think about it. And set the bar very very high for your H if you do consider having kids. I sure wouldn't do it for a minimum of 2 years of complete transparency (tracking software on his computer, all cell phone bills to you, complete accountability).

You wouldn't make babies with a heroin addict who'd only been clean for a few moths, would you? Think the same way here.

Ellie

Oh, kml. You've voiced all of my concerns and fears and hurts over this thing. And it's true, my greatest fear is that we'll stay together, we'll have children, and years down the line, once the enormity of what he's become wears away, he'll cheat again. And then my kids will be messed up mentally because of it.

Believe me, I think about that daily. And so...I am having an IUD put in. Just to remove the possibility (and I am terrible at remembering to take pills).

I don't know...I struggle daily with this. He's a cheater; he's proved that unequivocally. But he's a lot of other good things, too. The thing is, people meet him and think he's the best guy ever. He cares about people, he's loving, he's the perfect guy. But he's a cheater. And I know it's caused him shame and grief, and fear.

Your comment about us being 40 or 50 and him being around his cute young secretary really struck a chord of fear in my heart. It did.

My faith, my morals, my intuition tells me that I have to make this marriage work, but I know I am only one part of this puzzle. I have told him that as long as I see him working on this marriage, I will, too. But that I am giving him a year to show me is becoming a changed man. I have told him that there are no guarantees. I am willing to work hard, try to rebuild myself as he is rebuilding himself, but I can't promise forever. Not yet.

Thank you for your perspective. It certainly is a harsh reality of what my future (and that of my children) could be. I am trying very hard not to be idealistic and naive. But I am trying to open my heart to forgiveness and love, because I think there is healing and hope in that, too. And if he proves he just can't be that man that I need. Hopefully we'll both be able to walk away in a safer, stronger, saner place.