Living together as semi-polite strangers

[Punktmann]

Mishka, Actually my state has a 90 day minimum time limit. There is no maximum that I am aware of. Why is this important?

After the final bomb, she fast tracked the D. Fast track to the point of agreeing to go to MC for a few months right before the bomb, so that she could avoid the state requirement of 90 days of MC before the D.

This is important b/c for a few reasons.

Our minimum time is up tomorrow. The way she was originally fast tracking it, she should have set up the date for the settlement conference a month ago.

Maybe she didn't want the stress over the holidays.

Maybe when she found out after the 1st settlement conf. that the settlement wasn't going to go the way she had fantasized about, (and it was a COMPLETE fantasy,) She has stopped to regroup and figure out what to do next.

Maybe she is having temporary doubts b/c of the emotioinal stress of the holidays.

Maybe she is really having second thoughts.

I don't allow myself to hope or expect the last one, but it is there.

Anyway, the point is that as Jack3Beans pointed out to me when I was in the place you are now, (and I was, most of us were,) "you don't know that you will be divorced in three months. You might, but you may not be."

Even if he files, there are a lot of things that will happen between now and the 60th day. Most of those things will be an awakening process for him, without your help if you want this to work. I'm not saying this will change his mind, but I believe strongly that fighting it will be detrimental to an MLCer's mindset if your goal is eventual reconciliation.

Even if he files, which is better? The slow self-realization that he is closing the door on his safe place, losing time with his son, drastically changing his financial sitch; or a resentful building up of the idea that he is getting away from someone who appears to be trying to control him? Trying to stop or slow down the divorce will make him feel that way.

BTW, I felt like that too, exactly. But I didn't see any improvement at all in our interactions until I finally withdrew from the stance of fighting it, and simply said "I understand that this is what you believe is best for you, but it is not the best for me, or the kids. I will not fight you or make this harder than it already is."



So, the big point I am trying to make is that there was no improvement at all in my sitch until I STOPPED trying to control the D, change her mind, or do things that made her feel pressure. Also, even with concerted GAL activity, there was no improvement in the way she looked at me until I dropped the pretense of aiming some of those at pleasing her. When I dropped that and got off the da*& eggshells, there was a marked change in the way that she interacts with me.

Even with all that, there has only been a reduction in hostility, and a shift to being in limbo for the D.

This is what they mean when they say baby steps.

Hopefully some of the ladies can give you insight on the other question.