Real growing and healing

[Jeanette1120]

Hi Frank!

I hope your doing better today. No, I have never followed your sitch, but I have read through all of this thread and what jumps out at me is this

The difference is Jeff has Amy.

You mention that alot. But you cannot compare your wife to anyone on this board. Why? Because we have this board to grow, to learn, to feel and share whats going on in our personal lives and our heads.

I also see alot of blame game going on back and forth. You didn't do this for me, well you didn't do that, well she's a child that never healed.

I have me, and a wife who loves me but can't help me, and is choosing to save herself. I accept that, she's the one I chose because of her kind and gentle soul. That comes with a lot of responsibility and I failed. a man should not need a wife to have to do the things that Jeff and I ask of them but some of us are so damaged at some point that we NEED them to help us. I just chose the one who couldn't and festered inside wondering why.

How many times have we been told to "save ourselves" as we cannot save the spouse? Wouldn't the same imply in this situation? If she feels you are falling apart and your both hurting, it's human nature to save yourself. Your asking ALOT of her. No, I am not saying that she shouldn't back you up 100% but

I NEED to FEEL loved a LOT to help neutralize the hurt and pain and mistrust and everything. I need to feel like I'm the most important person in her life even when I'm being the 'prickly pear'. My wife can't do that, she just can't.

Is this realistic? Is this the price she has to pay? This may come in time, if you let it. If everyone is always on "guard" or wary if they say something that might offend and then the blame game starts all over again.....your just spinning around and around. I think you need to do exactly as Amy suggested. Get your ass out on the river fishing. Go somewhere where you can totally be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Write them down, look at them and see if they are realistic or not.

Your his WIFE for gods sake, you don't need an invitation to love him. Get your a-ss over there with a plan to just be 'love'. NO matter what.

Again Frank, is this realistic??? If it was this simple there wouldn't be so many of us on here who are hurting beyond our wildest imaginations. Sometimes YOU DO need an invitation, or else your just and univited guest. And we all know how we feel about party crashers.

There's nothing more I can do except take care of myself, something that is long overdue.

What are you waiting for? Again Frank, how many times have we heard we must first help ourselves before we can help others!! Even on the crashing airplane your supposed to put your oxygen mask on before you put your childs on. C'mon Frank. Your falling into a severe funk here.

It does seem that you and Jeff may have had some similarities. But it stops there. All 4 of you are TOTALLY different people. Each with thier very own demons in which they have to face. You cannot keep comparing your life to theirs. Your wife cannot be Amy. She can only be who she is. You can only be who you are. Together you can work through this. But not if your wanting something from her that she cannot or is not ready to give yet.

Hugs Frank.

Jeanette