I think there is a real possibility for quicker turnaround than you might think. You never really know. I certainly thought it would be a long haul for our marriage to get to the point we are at now.
My h and I have been having a lot of really good talks about the whole sex thing recently. He had an interesting take on things and I asked him if I could share some with you. He made a distinction between high desire for sex and high need. He says he’s high desire, high enjoyment, and just about always ready (he’s discovered recently that aging has caught up with him somewhat.) But he isn’t high need. I challenged him on that. I asked him about some of the things he had said and some things he had done, which I had interpreted as him feeling unloved, very unhappy, and his needs being unmet by his deficient wife. He told me I was misinterpreting and reading too much into those things.
He really wants and loves having sex with me and it makes him feel very good, but he said he doesn’t need me to have sex with him in order for him to feel loved by me. Sex is dessert, not the entrée. He pointed out that just as I have been able to change my desire for sex largely by changing my own thoughts about him, he thinks the need for sex to feel loved can also be controlled by our frontal lobes. He pointed out that a need for sex to feel loved is a very difficult position to put oneself in given that it involves someone else’s body. He said he wouldn’t want to be in that position even though he loves making love with me!
As he was pointing this all out to me, I felt an even greater sense of relief than I have over the last few weeks. Having sex with him became even more appealing. I fell more in love with him. The difference is in feeling like a person wants to make love to you because he loves you rather a person wants to make love with you because he needs it to feel loved by you.
There might be several benefits to you if you look at what role sex plays for you in your feelings of being loved. First, if you are a high need, not just high desire, person, you might actually be freeing yourself if you work on making sex a little less important to your sense of closeness, love, and intimacy. I don’t mean just resigning yourself to the possibility of never having the sex you need, but actually really changing your thoughts. Second, your wife might sense this change and the pressure she may be feeling will be lifted. Taking the pressure off can possibly have the effect of making sex more likely.
Here's a nonsexual example of something I've changed about what I thought I needed from my h. I have an area of interest that is a part of my core being. My husband doesn't share that interest. I used to think that for him to truly understand and love me and really connect with me, he needed to be a part of that part of me. Because he wasn't, I told myself that we weren't really close the way I needed to be close. I don't think that anymore. As a result of changing my thinking on that issue, I can now see the love my h has always had for me and feel as close to him as I could possibily want.
The beauty of working on how you think about sex is that it is within your control. You aren’t dependent on another person changing.
that aging has caught up with him somewhat.) But he isn’t high need. I challenged him on that. I asked him about some of the things he had said and some things he had done, which I had interpreted as him feeling unloved, very unhappy, and his needs being unmet by his deficient wife. He told me I was misinterpreting and reading too much into those things. 
