Recently Married into a sexless marriage

[thotitwudbdifrnt]

nwlywed,

this list does seem better, it is not so harsh and demanding. i do think, though that you could sum it up into something a little shorter.

'i would like for us both to be more respectful to one another and think of the other person and their feelings before we speak or act. it is hurtful the way we treat each other. it is damaging to us, personally and as a couple, when we are unyielding, condescending, petty, and angry with each other. let's both make an effort to be kinder and more compassionate. i promise to work on my side of it. i don't want you to feel used or abused, or that all i want you for is sex. i want to be with you and i love all of you, not just your body. you aren't my maid, my chef, my laundry service, or any of those things that you may feel you have become. i want us to work together on all those things so both of us can have more energy and free time to spend like we used to when we were dating. i loved it when we _______. i would like to do that again (and don't put anything about sex in that blank. put something else like riding bikes or whatever that both of you enjoyed.). i would be so happy if the passion returned in our relationship, but i don't want it to feel like it is one more chore for you to do. so i want you to know that i passionately love you and am committed to you. our drinking has contributed to our problems and made them worse. i would like for us both to commit to stop drinking. we can support each other with this so that we don't feel like we are doing it alone. the bottom line is that i want our relationship to last forever and it is up to both of us to do that. i freely admit that i have missed the mark with you, but if you teach me, i will learn what makes you happiest and i will do those very things. now, what would you like from me?'

this makes it like you are willing to change and do what it takes. maybe that will encourage her enough to change as well, for the sake of your M. the invitation at the end will make her feel like this is not a lecture but this is a chance to work with one another. as you say these things with much respect to her, she should respond in a similar manner. tell her when she is sober. if she starts to get mean, then say 'i said all those things to you in a kind way, i would appreciate your being kind to me as well. this is a very important topic for us and it shouldn't be clouded by defensiveness or anger.' be sure to be sincere and kind. watch your tone. if you have to, let her know that this makes you nervous to speak to her about this but that she is so important to you that you will step out of where you are comfortable to talk with her. approach her on a day that has not been so bad and when she is not so tired. if you are going to email it, call her beforehand to see how her day is. if it is ok, then send it. you can text her and let her know that you sent her an email. so she will get it fast.

maybe a good thing toward the end or afterwards, you could tell her the things that made you fall in love with her. if you never thought you would meet anyone, if you didn't expect it but she was (and is) so great that you were surprised, the way she looks, whatever. let her know specifics on why. but don't mention sex. she already knows you want that. so don't beat that dead horse right now.

just a woman's perspective. i really believe most women would respond positively to this message because there is no blame attached to one person. you are admitting that you have contributed too and that you are willing to make your R better.