I think you should write her a letter pretty much saying alot of what you wrote here. If you decide to include the affair part, be sure to emphasize that this is something you fear; don't use it as a threat. Emphasize at the beginning how much you love her and you really want to see your marriage succeed.
Let her know you've taken responsibility for whatever role you have played in her lack of desire for sex, including bringing it up so much if that's what she sees as part of the problem. You HAVE taken responsibility and you have been working hard. You have every right to feel very good about yourself for that.
Then let her know you need some interest from her in trying to meet you part way. Acknowledge her recent willingness to touch you more and to let you touch her. From what you've written on this site, it does seem that you will be most appreciative of even the slightest attempt on her part to work on this problem...even if it doesn't immediately lead to phenomenal sex. Let her know that. Tell her about your sense of hopelessness. Tell her you feel she's indifferent to your sense of pain and rejection. Ask her if she really is indifferent.
I don't know how far she's gotten in SSM, if at all. If she hasn't read the part about influences on sexual drive and also the part on the different ways bodies can behave, perhaps you could point this part out to her. Suggesting that maybe hers is a body that warms up once things get started; that some of her lack of interest may be due to a lack of "exercise" so to speak. The use it or lose it idea. Ask her to just be willing to talk about that as a possibility, because there are ways to get started having sex again.
Let her know you're willing to be a patient, loving, and helpful lover, so that she's not alone in trying to restimulate her desire. (This is where I soooo wish I had let my h know how hard I was working on my sexual desire. I think if he had known he would have been just the kind of lover I needed. But old independent, I-don't-need-help, I'm-embarrassed-that-my-body-has-turned-on-me-again me just couldn't share that...but I digress. Sorry.)
In some ways, I really do wish she could read some of the posts here from current and former lower desire spouses, but I think your judgment on that matter is probably on target and it wouldn't be a good idea. Unfortunately, you have the problem of any suggestion you make looking like nothing more than your own self-interest.
I'm really at a loss here, because I felt so bad about not wanting sex and how sad my h seemed that I was highly motivated to find solutions from the beginning. I'm having a hard time thinking up different things that would get your wife started on this path.
What you write here has me wanting to help you. I feel your agony. So you definitely have a way of communicating that evokes empathy, at least here. Is there a difference in the way you communicate here compared to how you communicate with your wife?
I'm concerned that if you withdraw in an extreme way from your wife you will just end up in the "standoff" that Michelle talks about. At the same time, something different about your behavior needs to happen that lets your wife know there are some consequences for continuing to not address the problem. Your emotional pain would be consequence enough for me, but perhaps your wife doesn't fully realize how painful this is for you. She may also be dealing with her own pride and the fact that she feels responsible for your pain. Acknowledging this may be hard for her?
Sooner, I just want things to work out for you so bad!
