It's almost like he wants it to go bad for some reason. Almost like he doesn't want to take the olive branch I'm holding out, he just wants to shove his 'rights' down my throat.
Jenny, I can see his point and yours too on this delicate subject. But what you said in the above sentence is exactly what he is doing. Exactly. So, don't be afraid to listen to yourself and trust your own judgement. He is doing what you are saying.
I would advise you to not let yourself be bullied by his anger. His anger is his. It's his problem if he is not able to deal with stuff in a mature way. That does not mean that what you are doing is wrong. And I would also advise you to not back down on these issues due to DBing, the outcome of your R is unsure, but your kids are way more important here and you don't want to do anything you might regret later.
I say stick to what you want, say it to him repeatedly over and over until the message gets through. Right now my guess is he doesn't respect you much (not because you're not worth it, but because generally the WAS feel that way, or need to feel that way/degenarate you to be able to leave you) ... so in a normal sitch telling him your opinion in a mature way should lead you to a discussion on how to find solutions and compromise on things, but don't expect that here ... it never goes the easy way with them especially in these early phases ...
Another poster, Delia described the WAS frame of mind very expressively in a different post. Some parts do not apply to your sitch, but I think it still may help you understand WAS more. I will quote it here:
Originally Posted By: Delia
To your partner, at least, you're not an object of romance, but a wounded and pitiable person she probably dimly realizes she's hurt. You're her guilt-object. To change that perception, you have to be less in her life, not more in it. When the OP becomes the reality, and you are the warm memory: that's when you have a chance of reeling her back in. You do not take a risk in making yourself scarce. ...
Once you retreat, in as good order as possible, there's just the two of them, and the problems they create together. You cease to be a "problem" for them, a constant subject of discussion, and, I suspect, criticism. In a weird way, you likely bind them more tightly together. It's only when you can begin to act in unexpected ways---rejecting their script---withdrawing---that you will discover your real power.
That being said I still think you can DB at your best by sticking to assertive communication with him and reducing the encounters with him to minimum, thus offering him less opportunity to see you as the bad person. Do not expect compassion and understanding from him for your beleifs on raising children in a stable environment, you won't get it probably, just go for a fair communication and reasonable decisions for both of you. Decide what you want, where you can compromise and say it again and again without any anger or without trying to induce guilt.
Found this earlier I know you are good at assertive communication, but I thought it might help you prepare for confrontations with your H.
Assertive Behavior
Voice tone in assertive behavior is expressive, calm and clear.
Eye contact is direct, and an appropriate amount of personal space is maintained. Assertive behavior involves straight and relaxed posture that is not threatening.
Tips for Successful Confrontation
* Practice reflection when you communicate. This involves restating back to a person what they are saying, as it communicates to them that you are hearing and understanding what they are saying. When an aggressive person realizes that their points are being heard, they in many instances will calm down and become less aggressive. * Do not ramble, make your point directly and concretely. * Keep your voice tone neutral; do not be too hostile or too passive. * Remain calm. Explain how you feel, why you feel the way you do, and what you will and will not do in managing a situation. Present options (i.e. you can do this and this may happen, but if you do this, this may happen). * If you feel that an individual is trying to manipulate you and move the conversation away from the issue of the confrontation, try repeating your original point repeatedly, which will allow you to focus the discussion on the appropriate issue (i.e. the problem behavior). * Never threaten an individual with a specific consequence. You can always state the possible consequences of behavior, but never threaten a specific end result, because if the end result does not happen, you will lose credibility. When discussing consequences, "may" is a much better word than "will". * Never get emotionally involved in a confrontation...it will make you very ineffective. * Do not swear or behave inappropriately, as it will allow the individual who you are confronting to focus in on your inappropriate behavior, instead of their own.
