Everything seemed perfect. A little over a week ago my wife and I had the sex argument for the 117th time (that’s actually just a wild guess). But since that time she’s made an obvious effort to touch me occasionally – nothing even remotely sexy, but still a noticeable improvement considering that I’ve felt like a leper for most of our married life. I’m going out of town for business tomorrow and will be gone overnight. I put the girls to bed and got them to sleep, came downstairs, and for once my wife was still up. Her being up at 9:45 p.m. is so rare that I thought she might be interested in doing something romantic. I was excited about the possibility of making love as it’s been roughly two months since we last had sex, but I would have been happy with anything that showed she was interested in me. We watched a little bit of the news in bed then turned off the TV, at which point I tried to cuddle up to her. She didn’t really cuddle back – but she basically tolerated my touching her. Due to the fear of being rejected, I’m scared to death to try anything overly sexy (I didn’t used to be this way at all) so I kind of rubbed her thigh, stomach, etc. without reaching under her clothes, just hoping to get some response. The only response I got was if my hand got within a foot of any obvious erogenous zone, she would grab it and move it away. After not very long, I was hurting so bad that I asked what I was doing wrong, to which she replied “nothing” – acting like she couldn’t imagine what I was talking about. This basically lead into the usual argument, although it was comparatively mild. Now I’m sitting up at 1:45 a.m. and she’s probably now sleeping after being ticked off that I again tried to talk about our relationship and in so doing cut into her sleep time.
I’m starting to lose hope that things will ever get better. The only reason she can give me that our level of intimacy hasn’t improved is that we continue to have this stupid argument. On previous occasions she’s mentioned specific things I’ve done that may have contributed to the problem, but I’ve made great strides in trying to fix anything that I’ve been made aware of. And I think she’d agree. But I can’t continue to be hurt and not eventually break down and say something. I go anywhere from a week to two or three months holding all of the hurt inside, then I have to let it out. I can’t help it – but she acts like I do this deliberately and that I’m the whole reason things aren’t improving. I feel like I’ve done everything possible to show her that I love her and to try and help her feel close to me. Now the only thing I know to do would be to try the opposite. I don’t want to do that, and I’m afraid it will just make her feel less close to me. But I’m open to suggestions.
We regularly say “I love you” to each other, and I obviously do still love her very much – but should I stop saying it? Should I stop acting interested in what’s going on in her life? Should I refuse to show her any affection – no touching, no hugging, no trying to cuddle? Should I start sleeping in another bedroom? Should I stop calling her when I’m at work, running an errand, or out of town? Should I start going out with the guys or get interested in a hobby which keeps me away from home? I’m sure there are lots of other things I could come up with to ask, but you probably get the idea. I honestly don’t think any of these things will help, but I’d be willing to try anything that might. If MPT, KAH, or jen381 happen to read this, please give me your thoughts as you’ve basically been in my wife’s shoes. I realize however that none of you are her and what might help in your situations won’t necessarily help in ours. I had a lot of hope after reading “The Sex-Starved Marriage” but I’m starting to feel like I have no control over what happens in my marriage and that the only way things will ever get better is if my wife has a change of heart.
I’m afraid that if nothing changes I’ll eventually give up and become a “walk-away husband” if that’s possible. The last thing I want is to have an affair, and I’m nowhere close to doing so. My Dad had an affair when I was in Junior High and High School and I’ve seen how it affected him, my mother, my sister ,and myself as well as others that he was close to. But even with my first-hand knowledge that an affair is not the answer, I’m scared to death that someone will come along and make me feel alive and desirable again, and that I’ll be unable to resist the temptation. That’s a long ways off, but I need to find some answers before I get to that point. If anyone reading this hasn’t read my initial thread, it’s posted in this forum and is titled “Sex-Starved and Looking for Advice”. I have no idea how to link to it, but it describes my situation in a lot more detail if anyone cares to read through it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
