Over the weekend I went to a movie with my boys (12 and 11) and then skiing on saturday. I was in the house Friday eve to pick up the boys and see D6, and also in the house Saturday morning to prep for the skiing trip, and Saturday evening after the return. At all times I was gentle, light, happy, and affectionate toward the kids. Polite and cheerful but not overly friendly to W.
Sunday I went to church happy and full of good feelings. It had been a really good couple of days for me, spending it with my boys. After church I recd 2 emails from W accusing me of not respecting her boundaries (not staying out of the house) and of stalking her.
Running, it's just as you said - she feels too much pressure.
So far no response by me.
In the meantime Monday, I stopped the direct deposit - she no longer gets access to all my income. I cancelled all the joint credit cards and froze the joint checking account.
For good measure I cancelled the $150/month internet/cable/phone package. I know this all sounds pretty drastic but we are spending $1000 more than I make every month. $23k credit card balance. yikes. And I myself have minimal costs - no rent, phone, car payment, etc. Though I do have $40 in gas expenses and $40 or so in car insurance every month. but seriously, that's it. I live with friends, rent free. Essentially I cut my own spending to the bone because we're in financial distress.
W emailed me asking "is this just another attempt to control me?"
I'm sure she doesn't like it but, umm.... sometimes reality bites.
These days I no longer respond emotionally to her accusations. Sometimes I explain myself - eg, "I don't live in the house, i don't use the internet,phone and cable. I want you to be clear that this is YOUR budget you're spending, not mine."
This is the weird part. Half of me feels like this is necessary step - this is reality setting in. The other half of me feels despondent because I know this is going to be hard on my wife.
Tuesday W emailed me inviting me to spend time with the kids Tues evening. Of course I accepted, met her at wrestling practice. D11 goes to wrestle, the other 3 came with me. we went to have cookies and ice cream, and we played in the evening rain. We all laughed til our sides split.
D12 had a writing assignment for school. He's supposed to write a persuasive letter. D12 "thinks" he is not a good writer, isn't confident, so writing is always a nervous assignment for him. We brainstormed it together for a while, I tried to make it light and funny. We came up with a bunch of ideas. Once he got started he was really rolling. Every one of them was funnier and sillier than the last.
When I returned the kids, just an hour and a half later, they were all boisterous and happy. D6 (who is nervous around me these days) wanted me to "show mom our trick!" (I had been picking her up, upside down, she screamed with delight). I was cool and distant from W, but affectionate to my kids. I miss them. Daily.
As she walked away with my beautiful kids, W called out "bye!" several times.
I don't know what to say at those times. I hate leaving my kids behind. every night.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
