The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[phbear316]

Hey Jenny

Sorry i have not been around your stitch the last few days, had my own problems going on.

I have no imput on the legal stuff with the kids for imput.

Just wanted to send you hugs to let know I am thinking about you!

Bear

[JennyF]

Thanks guys for checking in on me.

Truth is I've been pre-occupied for a few days by a fussy baby. Nothing too unbearable, he's just been gassy and doesn't want to be put down. I've been reading a lot, just not able to respond as one handed typing takes too long!
I've been keeping up on both your threads (bear & blindsided)

The truth is, I've also become a bit of computer addict! Before I know it I've spent hours in the morning and the evening once D is in bed. So in order to GAL, I'm going to have to curb my computer time a bit!

Nothing really has changed in the last fews days. H was really quiet and cold the day after our 'discussion'.
He sent a nice e-mail yesterday just updating on D's day and asking a day care question. When I say nice...I mostly mean not nasty as opposed to anything remotely close to warm or anything loving.

I think right now what I am having the hardest time with is the fact that my H seems to be gone. I mean the guy I knew is completely MIA. We are like odd aquaintances when we're in the same room. If we touch (even when passing the baby back and forth) it's almost like an apology is needed. Smiles we share are only with regards to the kids and even those seem uncomfortable. He is completley oblivious to these changes in himself. Is it that he is this way ONLY with me? Perhaps, but all of our friends say he is not the same guy as well. They too find it uncomfortable around him.
All of the other people on this site seem to have comminication with their WAS's where they still feel or see that H & W connections. Sometimes people only get a glimpse of it and it may not be often...but it's there. But me...nothing. He's completely emotionally detached, almost as if we weren't together for the last 9 years! The connections were still there during the first 5 weeks or so after the bomb...then he just got further and further away. How does this happen?
Does this mean my odds are worse than anyone else?? Although I must say that it does follow the MLC script and the 'tunnel' analogy.

I have an often unhealthy way of putting a positive spin on this...maybe the fact that he is this far into the tunnel is a good thing. Perhaps he's just moving it along faster and this means he'll get through the other side faster.
I have allowed this distancing to happen by not talking about the R at all and DB'ing my butt off. So hopefully this is a good thing. But it gets hard to stay positive and hopeful when we feel like strangers.

I've been reading the thread "advice from those in piecing" and from all that those wise and succesful people had to say...this could be true. That it wasn't until they truly detached and GAL that their S started to rethink things.

As time goes on I'm getting more comfortable with this. I've accepted it's going to be a long process so the easier it is to detach the better.

My greatest concern right now is the children and our custody/scheduling concerns. I go to visit my lawyer on Thursday and I will be hitting the book store tomorrow pick up some books on how to best handle this with the children.
It is weighing heavily on me and I need to ensure that I make the right choices.
Speaking of this...I would like some feedback if possible. I'm thinking about sending the below e-mail. I will give it the 48 hr rule.
Please note...this is NOT a DB tactic. It is for the good of the decisions we are making with regards to the kids...but I do not want it to hamper my DBing either.

Dear H,
I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching since our conversation regarding time with the kids the other day.
It is weighing heavily on me and I am very concerned about it.
NOTHING is more important to me than making sure we make the decisions that are best for them.
I feel VERY strongly about my opinions regarding the consistency in their schedules and being in one place through the week.
I have not done this before and mostly speak from my own experiences growing up with divorced parent's.
Having said that, I do hear what you are saying too and I do not want to negate your feelings or opinions.
Please know, I am not trying to make things difficult nor and am I trying to get back at you for anything. S & D are the most important and precious things in my life and I would never use them that way, ever.
I am going to spend some time doing some research and thought we could get together again to talk about it.
J

Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks!
J~

[JennyF]

^

I don't usually bump myself...but I'm in need of advice...

[bhopeful]

A couple questions:
1. What are you hoping to accomplish by sending this letter?
2. Have you already said these things to him before?
3. Is he pressuring you for an answer right now or can you wait until you've done your research?

I don't think that this will necessarily hurt your DBing efforts. I would hope that he respect that you need time to figure things out. I think that if he's pressuring you for an answer on this, then you should send a simplified version of this email. Something like "I'm researching the options for how we can handle this best for the children. I will take your input for consideration and will incorporate it where I can. This is something that we both must agree on for the sake of the children." If he's not pressuring you, then I don't think that you should send anything right now until you've completed your research and have come up with a plan.

Just my $.02
B

[blindsided1]

I agree with bhopeful. What do you hope to get out of sending this letter? If you need more time to think things out, definitely tell him.

And, remember what you tell me. It's a bump in the road.

Don't speculate and remind yourself that Facts are NOT Feelings.

[lizzy]

Please know, I am not trying to make things difficult nor and am I trying to get back at you for anything. S & D are the most important and precious things in my life and I would never use them that way, ever.

I wouldn't include the above part. I think by telling H you aren't trying to make things difficult, he will think that that is exactly what you are trying to do. I might just simplify it to something like "I have been thinking about our discussion and what you requested. I would like the two of us to research this and revist the discussion. I think it is important for us to do what is in the children's best interest."

[Startingover2]

Hey Jenny....I was wondering if you could stop by my thread and read my latest issues. I don't know if I am extremely hormonal or if this is normal or what??? How did you handle feelings like this?

[JennyF]

Hey guys,
Thanks B and Lizzy for the feedback.

A couple questions:
1. What are you hoping to accomplish by sending this letter?
2. Have you already said these things to him before?
3. Is he pressuring you for an answer right now or can you wait until you've done your research?

ANSWERS:
1. H thinks I am making these decisions to 'get back at him' and not because it's what's in the best interest of the kids. I want him to know that MY ONLY concern is making the right decisions for them.
2. I did say them, but the conversation ended on a bad note and I want him to know that it isn't about ill feelings bw him and I, but about the kids. I also want him to know that I am still thinking about it and my opinions the other nite were based on not having given it the thought and research it deserves.
3. He isn't pressuring me necessarily...but there is an urgency to put a plan in place...even just a temporary one. Our D is starting to show signs of acting out and confusion. We need to address it with her and put something more consistent in place.

Having said all that...and thanks B, they were good points to think about. I did discuss this with him in person tonight.
He came over and I left and went out. I left BOTH kids with him for a couple hours...he's lucky H slept the entire time!
I went to the bookstore and bought "Good Parenting Through Your Divorce".
After D was in bed, I basically just told him what I had written for the e-mail.
The conversation started ok...but it went sour pretty quickly. H just doesn't want to see my side of it all. I even said that although I feel strongly about my opinion, I don't want to negate his feelings and I want to ensure we're both looking at all the proper factors. He got quite angry again, especially when we talked about the temporary schedule having D stay with him during the week. He will not listen to be on this and is very angry when I won't go with HIS way of thinking.
Once again, as he does every time we discuss things...he just went and put his shoes on and started to leave in the middle of it. The conversation went back and forth and a couple times I had to stop him from opening the door and leaving. It's actually kind of comical to watch him trying to get out of it. He RAN from our marriage and you can literally seeing him running from the conflict when he's trying to leave like that.
The conversation ended with us talking about his "decisions". I said that he made the decision to leave the marriage and accept less time with his kids, but he's not willing to give me much. He said I should be glad he's not going for 50/50 custody (just 60/40). I said, you decided to leave the marriage and accept less time, that was your choice. I had no choice and now I still get to lose my kids 40% of the time?? I said to him...do you think a year ago when I was praying to God to be pregnant it was so that I could spend 60% of my time with them?? He walked out the door. So it was probably a backslide...but I really don't care at this point.

I called him back about 1/2 hour later and just reiterated that it was not my intention to start a big argument and just reiterated that I am not trying to discount how he feels, just want to do what is best for the kids. He agreed, but was really cold on the phone.
It's almost like he wants it to go bad for some reason. Almost like he doesn't want to take the olive branch I'm holding out, he just wants to shove his 'rights' down my throat.

This is so frustrating!!!
J~

[ewe]

It's almost like he wants it to go bad for some reason. Almost like he doesn't want to take the olive branch I'm holding out, he just wants to shove his 'rights' down my throat.

Jenny, I can see his point and yours too on this delicate subject.
But what you said in the above sentence is exactly what he is doing. Exactly. So, don't be afraid to listen to yourself and trust your own judgement. He is doing what you are saying.

I would advise you to not let yourself be bullied by his anger. His anger is his. It's his problem if he is not able to deal with stuff in a mature way. That does not mean that what you are doing is wrong. And I would also advise you to not back down on these issues due to DBing, the outcome of your R is unsure, but your kids are way more important here and you don't want to do anything you might regret later.

I say stick to what you want, say it to him repeatedly over and over until the message gets through.
Right now my guess is he doesn't respect you much (not because you're not worth it, but because generally the WAS feel that way, or need to feel that way/degenarate you to be able to leave you) ... so in a normal sitch telling him your opinion in a mature way should lead you to a discussion on how to find solutions and compromise on things, but don't expect that here ... it never goes the easy way with them especially in these early phases ...

Another poster, Delia described the WAS frame of mind very expressively in a different post. Some parts do not apply to your sitch, but I think it still may help you understand WAS more. I will quote it here:

To your partner, at least, you're not an object of romance, but a wounded and pitiable person she probably dimly realizes she's hurt. You're her guilt-object. To change that perception, you have to be less in her life, not more in it. When the OP becomes the reality, and you are the warm memory: that's when you have a chance of reeling her back in. You do not take a risk in making yourself scarce.
...

Once you retreat, in as good order as possible, there's just the two of them, and the problems they create together. You cease to be a "problem" for them, a constant subject of discussion, and, I suspect, criticism. In a weird way, you likely bind them more tightly together. It's only when you can begin to act in unexpected ways---rejecting their script---withdrawing---that you will discover your real power.

That being said I still think you can DB at your best by sticking to assertive communication with him and reducing the encounters with him to minimum, thus offering him less opportunity to see you as the bad person. Do not expect compassion and understanding from him for your beleifs on raising children in a stable environment, you won't get it probably, just go for a fair communication and reasonable decisions for both of you. Decide what you want, where you can compromise and say it again and again without any anger or without trying to induce guilt.

Found this earlier I know you are good at assertive communication, but I thought it might help you prepare for confrontations with your H.


Assertive Behavior

Voice tone in assertive behavior is expressive, calm and clear.

Eye contact is direct, and an appropriate amount of personal space is maintained. Assertive behavior involves straight and relaxed posture that is not threatening.

Tips for Successful Confrontation

* Practice reflection when you communicate. This involves restating back to a person what they are saying, as it communicates to them that you are hearing and understanding what they are saying. When an aggressive person realizes that their points are being heard, they in many instances will calm down and become less aggressive.
* Do not ramble, make your point directly and concretely.
* Keep your voice tone neutral; do not be too hostile or too passive.
* Remain calm. Explain how you feel, why you feel the way you do, and what you will and will not do in managing a situation. Present options (i.e. you can do this and this may happen, but if you do this, this may happen).
* If you feel that an individual is trying to manipulate you and move the conversation away from the issue of the confrontation, try repeating your original point repeatedly, which will allow you to focus the discussion on the appropriate issue (i.e. the problem behavior).
* Never threaten an individual with a specific consequence. You can always state the possible consequences of behavior, but never threaten a specific end result, because if the end result does not happen, you will lose credibility. When discussing consequences, "may" is a much better word than "will".
* Never get emotionally involved in a confrontation...it will make you very ineffective.
* Do not swear or behave inappropriately, as it will allow the individual who you are confronting to focus in on your inappropriate behavior, instead of their own.



(((Jenny))) hang in there.

Ewe

[blindsided1]

I totally feel for you. This scares the heck out of me. I hope that H and I don't have to deal with this, but it looks more likely that we will. I'm pulling for you, really I am. Who could have ever expected that while we were planning our family, it would shortly be falling apart? Hang in there. And, do not let him walk all over you. You are one of the strongest people on this board, do not fear his anger.