Living together as semi-polite strangers

[mishka422]

Hope,

I hear you and intelectually I know what you and everyone else are saying is the truth. I would love to be able to look past his infidelity and forgive. I honestly thought I had begun to but having it thrown in my face again this morning was too much for me. He will continue to lie and I don't think I can live with a liar. It turns my stomach to know he can look me in the eyes and do that. I wish I could ask him to sleep on the couch but unfortunately I have my sick mother here and she is in the living room until 1am-2am watching TV so he can't sleep there.

I wouldn't be so panicked about it it if weren't for this 60 days limit hanging over my head. I have to contest it in order to make it drag but you have to contest for specific grounds and adultery is the only grounds I have. I don't want to do this but he's leaving me no choice. I will not have my life controlled for me.

I am so angry still right now but we sat and ate dinner together and it was ok. I did tell him tonight that he might want to check up on his lawyer because he's paying them good money for this and I still haven't been served. His 60 days doesn't start until I get served as far as I know. I have to get a L ASAP but I just DON'T WANT TO! I just feel that is going to push him past his breaking point if he finds out I hired one (of course, the fact that he did and actually filed shouldn't bother me, right?)

I keep praying for guidance and every turn I make seems to lead me to a new discovery about him (that I wasn't really looking for) that I don't like and don't know if I could live with. I'm so torn up about this. I don't believe in D, I believe that you marry the one God chose for you and you stay with that person until the day you die. I ran away from my H for almost 2 years when we first met (dated but wouldn't let it go anywhere else) because I was afraid of the feelings he caused me to have. I was scared that someone else I loved would leave me (I had so many tragic deaths in my family..grandpa, dad, close aunts and uncles, and serious boyfriends just suddenly dump me out of nowhere that gunshy would be an understatement).

I suppose I'm going to have to sit down and figure out what to do with my life or what is left of it. I have outside interests so that's not a problem. I have my church and my extended family that I'm very close to and I have my wonderful fantastic son. He's so special and such a sweet loving boy. I would hate for his dad's actions to drum that out of him. I'm trying to protect him from all of this but he feels the tension, he knows what his dad has done (although thankfully he doesn't really understand what it really means), but I'm afraid that he is hoping for too much. I'm scared for him.