Real growing and healing

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Frank,

Grab something to drink, non-alcoholic, do you smoke? You’ll want to if you do, because some of the things I am going to say may upset you. I will be paraphrasing a lot here. Otherwise this will be amazing long with the quotes.

Frank all this time I am reading this and you are saving how you rescued others and saved your wife, but amazingly when it comes down to you, only you can save yourself or rescue yourself. So which one is it? Cause holy cow Superman, it is all about you. You get to rescue other people but no one can rescue you? Why is that?

This is a fundamental problem here. It really is based upon what you are writing. You saved your wife, but she cannot save you. You realize that the only person that can save you is you. You are right on that part.

Only you can save yourself, only you can control yourself. It is hubris to think otherwise. If I can save other people why can’t they save me? BS. You help others, and in many cases that help might be VERY timely. When your wife was helping you, and she was. When you said you feel alone, she stopped by your work, did you thank her, did you show appreciation? Was it enough to keep her doing it?

You are one of the heroes on this board, that is without a doubt a fact. To many people you are wise, helpful and insightful. When I see that you have posted to someone in trouble, I know that they are taken care of, I tend not to even check on them.
Because of that it is harder to reach out for help, like we are letting people down, when our life is going to hell in a hand basket with an ablative bottom, how can we help others without sounding like hypocrites? Experience.

Frank, your word choice worries me. Fix, save, rescue. Did you actual DB? Or do you really feel that your actions actually brought your wife back? Because if you really strip away all the ‘save my marriage’ crap DBing is about helping oneself become an independent person again, and learning about communication. DBing is about working on yourself and becoming a better person, one that is attractive, hopefully to the spouse who left us.

How positive are you that your wife was done with her, was it an MLC? Her confusion at the very least. Always the big bad fear in Piecing. That it isn’t really over. Not fully. The OM may not be there, but is she out of the woods?

Being complacent is the worst thing you can do in piecing.

Talk about things we might do together as if they will actually happen.

Get off you ass and make them happen!

Here is the problem I have with Piecing. I am so hyper in tune with what my wife wants, I feel taken advantage of because, yes she is back, I am an amazing f–ing husband now, and she is still the same wife she was prior to the MLC. Decent, but lets face it, not even close in comparission.

That is my fault, and my expectation. She got through her MLC, or hopefully almost is, she worked on getting through that problem, while I was improving myself and my communication, i.e. being more in tune with others. So here I am super husband, and my wife is…eh, a wife in my mind.

I know you’re upset and angry you don’t contradict yourself often, but you are a lot here in this thread. A very good sign how upset and conflicted you currently are. You are even doing perhaps the most stupid thing you can do, and that is imagining conversations your wife is having with her friends. That is a noob mistake. You tell others not to do it.

You are also making a horrible mistake in comparing your wife to Amy C. Don’t. Not many people would compare, and certainly not our WAW’s in any soon to be time frame. You are doing a disservice to your wife and your marriage, and yeah…I know exactly what the hell I am talking about. You can have my shoes for that walk they know the damn path.

I know better now.

Do you? Really? You can only control yourself, others may be able to ‘help’ or open your eyes, but you can only save yourself.

Amy has my email, I asked her to give it to you, and maybe you feel like I am being harsh here, I make no apologies. Not many old timer guys in piecing, if you need a shoulder.