H never came back from Iraq

[klm]

I don't know if it is a good idea to ask your H to play. If you do...be prepared for him to say no. No expectations remember. Maybe if nothing else, school will take your mind off things. I know it must be hard being in school and going through this.

Time will make it easier. It may not seem like it now, but it will. Also doing things for yourself and keeping busy will make it easier. It is ok to cry. Don't feel bad for feeling what your are feeling.

Good job on not looking at the myspace blog. If he is having so much fun on his trip then why is he online updating myspace so much??? Isn't it a vacation?? Whatever he wrote on there is only going to make you feel worse. Trust me, I understand the temptation. I was obsessed with phone bills and his text messages.

[MichelleLT]

It's a fairly hypothetical question since I haven't spoken to H since Dec 16th. But the lack of contact is wearing on me a bit since he also hasn't done anything (so far as I know) to get the D started. And I would like to do something fun with him if he's open to the idea. I'm not even sure how I'd bring it up though.

The Internet seems to have become one of his obsessions. It kinda started when he was deployed, which I understood since it was his only real connection to me and to the outside world. H stopped mostly when he first got home (or he hid it better than he did this summer) and started getting worse (in that he'd be on his computer all evening and ignore me and everyone else) along with everything else last spring. Since OW is big into MySpace and Friendster some of his updates/blogs may be to appease her even though her name was not mentioned.

But it's only the tip of the iceburg if he's still browsing Craig's List and looking at all his porn sites. Plus H and OW were exchanging S&M web links and subscriptions. I see it as a yet another way for him to avoid reality and a barrier between us, I'm not sure what he sees it as. *shrugs* Although it does make me think that whatever he feels was missing in our R, he hasn't actually found.

[klm]

I can imagine that no contact is hard. It is easy for him right now because he is on "vacation" in his fantasy world. When he comes back OW won't be there, he will be alone. Maybe reality will start to set in.

I know about the myspace crap. My H's OW was big into it too. H's page was set to private so I couldn't look at it even if I wanted to. He has since deleted it. Not sure why. It really made me sick that they were always on there. Internet, phone, texting (all during work, I am surprised neither one got fired)...it was like they were obsessed with each other. My point is that as with my H...hopefully reality will set in with your H. Give it time.

I don't think what your H is looking for is what was missing in your marriage. He may think that, but I think he is looking for "happiness". As my T told me, no one else can make him happy, not you and not OW. OW is a band-aid. He has to find that within himself. It is his problem to fix, not yours.

[MichelleLT]

H is on AIM again today. His away message says "showering and then finishing packing." At first I was confused since I've gotten notifications that both H and OW have been posting and editing blogs on MySpace and I thought H was home, but I guess he's leaving soon. (Before all this happened OW was one of my friends on MySpace. I deleted her a couple weeks into all this crap but I forgot to unsubscribe from her blog I guess). I've been refraining from going and looking at them. OW's I probably can't read anyways. H probably has his set to public but I'm not sure knowing what they wrote will do anything but piss me off. OW edited and reposted hers 4 times in the space of 5 min (unless she really posted 4 blogs) so I wonder if they were trying to figure out what they could say w/o giving away their PA.

I have to agree with your bit about "happiness." He has told me on several occasions (before he stopped speaking to me) that even though he doesn't believe in D it's his "only chance for happiness" and that I was the one making him miserable. Plus he says OW "makes him happy" and he has to "follow his feelings." Whatever that all is supposed to mean. Yet somehow H still doesn't believe in D. We'll see if he files when he gets back I guess. As much as it scares me, I'll deal somehow I guess.

[MichelleLT]

Well, today H's AIM says "Off to class". H's school started last Thursday though, so I'm confused since he didn't seem to be back yet. I wanted to look at a friend's blog on MySpace, but when I click on the subscriptions it shows me everyone that I subscribe to. H and OW each posted multiple blogs about their trip and his name shows up in the title of one of hers. I didn't read them, but it's so hard not to. I keep trying to tell myself that no good will come of it, but I'm so curious.

I also am confused because H is supposed to be attending training from January 20th to whenever so he wasn't planning on taking classes this quarter. I guess maybe that changed.

It also looks like he scrapped his idea of doing his Man vs. Wild take-off. Shock and surprise there. He's always been a dreamer, but somewhat lacking in his execution.

I hate not talking to him. I hate not knowing what's going on with him. It feels completely hopeless and it feels like nothing I do matters since he doesn't know about it anyways. I guess this week just sucks all around since I've now officially proved the adage that being married is the most certain way to never have sex. I didn't even have to be celibate this long when he was deployed since he came home on leave!

[NikB]

(((Michelle)))

Sorry you're having such a tough time!!

I think if you can take the focus off of him completely for now, you'll be better off. Focusing on doing things to make you happy would be a much better use of your time and energy at this point, I think.

I know it's SO hard not to dwell on that stuff, far easier said than done, but I think it would help you a lot.

I was also thinking.. it's been a long time with no contact, right? I wonder if it might be time to dip a toe in the water a bit - a short call (even better if you can just leave voicemail), or a quick email, maybe? I dunno.. a Happy New Year note, or something? I wouldn't invite him to do anything yet, but seeing what reaction you get from a little attempt at contact might be worth a try.

[klm]

Hey Michelle, I understand the curiosity...as you can see from what I posted on my thread!

The things that you do should be for yourself whether he knows about it or not. If he knows then great, if not then you are better for doing those things for yourself.

Your H sounds a lot like mine when it comes to the "happiness" thing. My H is always grasping for the next thing that will make him happy whether it be a video game, a car, a house...or OW. My guess is the new will wear off and he will see that she doesn't make him happy either.

Did your H know OW before going to Iraq?

[MichelleLT]

Thanks you guys!

re: klm. No. They only met in April 2007. They had a physics lab together I think. Apparently things went extremely quickly from friends to mutual friends (meaning me knowing her and her sister) to sleeping together (but it just being physical since our sex life "sucked" and "her sex drive matches" H's according to him) to H thinking that we needed to get a D and he needed to pursue a "real" and "legitimate" (meaning we needed to do the summary dissolution RIGHT THEN) R with OW.

One of the things my T pointed out to me when I was still going was that OW has no idea what he was like before he deployed, how he has changed, plus she has no expectations since they haven't been together for 7 years. That makes her more attractive right now I guess.

re: NikB. It has been no contact since Dec 16th. His away message says he's in class, so I could call and cross my fingers that he's really in class and doesn't answer I suppose. I don't even know what I'd say though. Happy New Year works I guess. I need to get in a better frame of mind before I do it at any rate.

[klm]

I was going to say the same thing your T said! She doesn't know he is different. You do and his family does. Therefore you want to know what is wrong and he knows that. OW expects nothing from him and askes no questions. He doesn't feel guilty around her for being different. My guess is that he has probably withdrawn from his family as much as he has from you. That is part of PTSD.

I agree with NIkB that it may be a good idea to make some sort of contact. Don't ask him about OW or his trip. Don't expect him to react any certain way. If you leave a message or send an email don't expect him to call you back or respond. Although you calling him would put that seed in his mind. Sound upbeat and pleasant. It is hard to justify calling them when you have no kids. I usually used finances as an excuse. I am not sure if you still have any joint accounts or bills though. Maybe just tell him you wanted to wish him a happy new year is good. Ask him how his classes are going.

[MichelleLT]

So, just had an interesting AIM conversation with one of my girlfriends (who became good friends with me while he was deployed and who H made a lot of effort to become friends with and still talks to occasionally) who shall be named L:

(12:44:47 PM) L: I talked to [H] the other night
(12:44:53 PM) me: oh really?
(12:45:02 PM) L: he did not seem as enthusiastic as I thought he would be
(12:45:19 PM) L: he was raving about hogmany and edinburgh
(12:45:29 PM) L: but seemed to not be really jazzed about much else
(12:45:42 PM) me: she posted a bunch of blogs about it. even mentioned his name in the titles. (i can't read them)
(12:45:57 PM) me: he did too for that matter, but I have refrained from reading them
(12:46:01 PM) me: I figured they'd only piss me off
(12:46:03 PM) L: well his sister can probably read them. . . .
(12:46:16 PM) me: true. I actually just got off the phone with her. Didn't think to ask.
(12:46:25 PM) me: But will it really make anything better to know?
(12:46:26 PM) L: yeah probably, but I don't think it was quite as fabulous as he'd imagined
(12:46:36 PM) me: reality sets in???
(12:46:45 PM) L: but don't tell him I said anything
(12:46:51 PM) me: don't worry i wouldn't
(12:47:00 PM) L: he just seemed kinda like he didn't even want to talk about it
(12:47:11 PM) L: and then made an excuse and logged off
(12:47:17 PM) me: huh
(12:47:42 PM) L: I asked if it was hard to come home and he said he was ready to come back
(12:47:52 PM) L: I made a comment about traveling with someone being overwhelming
(12:48:02 PM) L: and he whole-heartedly agreed
(12:49:22 PM) L: it's really hard to be exposed to anyone that much without a break, so maybe it's a good thing that he went over there