Well, the sun sets on another day in the cradle of civilization. Thank goodness someone put downloadable music on our server. About 100 great smooth Jazz favorites. It’s already in my music folder, because it’s against regulations to put it on a government server, so it’ll be gone tomorrow, but too late! All I have to do is put my earphones on, and I’m off in another world, for yet another 16 hour day at the screen! Ha! Small victory against the “machine”
Got a note from my D17 from Utah today. She, of course was wildly out of control, and I took her out of public school and sent her there. She’s doing better, but ended her note with “I hope that you are happy”. She knows how this whole thing has devastated me, and I leaned too much on her during my total unraveling in March of 06, so I’m sure my behavior had a lot with her acting out as well. A while back, W. got angry at me in an email and stated “D17 still blames me for this whole thing”
D17 and I were always very close, until I came unraveled. Never went grille to grille like she and W., who she is just like. To the point of fist fights where I had to pull their hair out of each others hands! Ugh!
I go for days feeling OK, and then I’ll be reminded how sad I really am about this, and for a while, it just caves in on me. I just have to stay in the present, and realize there’s nothing I can do about any of this. I can write her, but that just usually aggravates her.
I don’t know about you guys, but just talking with her on the phone, makes my stomach tumbles, and builds anxiety so high, it’s ridiculous. I know no matter what I say, she’s already made other plans for my opinions, ideas or actions with the kids. It’s so frustrating. All I can do is let go and live in the present……Not telling you all anything you don’t know.
FLTC, there is actually a great deal of power in your interactions with W, believe it or not! You write "no matter I say, she's already made other plans for my opinions, ideas or actions with the kids" Hmm, so what you are saying is that you know full well what will happen in any interaction with your W. That means you know what doesn't work! Every couple has these amazing repetitive conversations and each one knows exactly what the other is going to say or do, "when I say this I know he'll say that" yet we keep doing it anyway. So, seeing as how what you've done in the past doesn't work,why not try something new, throw a wrench into the works and see what happens. I can think of an example in my own sitch to share, when W phoned and complained that we were bad parents because we missed a few school open houses (that we didn't know about!) I responded angrily and told her "don't you ever call me a bad parent" and it went from there and ended in her crying and hanging up. What would have happened had I said "you could be right, how do we fix this situation?" All the bad parent stuff is a norm in our interactions, according to W everybody else is a better parent, better with their money, better at their jobs etc yet I went for it anyway. So look at your interactions with W and see how you can change them up a bit. Once one party changes the rules, even slightly, the other has to respond in a different way because the old way doesn't work anymore. What if you said, for example "Wow, sounds like you have some pretty good ideas there..." or whatever else might be a different interaction and then see how it flies! It sure can't hurt cuz what you're doing sure ain't workin', is it?
Got a note from my D17 from Utah today... but ended her note with “I hope that you are happy”.
What can you tell her that you are happy about?? 1. Happy that she is your daughter 2. Happy that she is doing better in Utah 3. Happy that you will be seeing her in Florida in April 4. Happy that she wrote you a letter
I usually write my own posts when I’m exhausted (which is all the time), so I can’t quite coherently wrap my mind around what I want to say sometimes. My thought for tonight is the old DB phrase “never, never, give up”. Here’s the question as best as I can frame it tonight:
Virtually none of us want to throw in the towel here as LBSs. If the WAS wants out in the worst way, does it really help to dig your heels in? Do you MAKE your spouse serve you?
When W. wanted out in the worst way from December to March 06, she was MISERABLE to live with. MISSERRABBLE!!!! Angry!!!! She would fix dinner for the kids and just leave the house and go to the beach and smoke cigarettes.
Her personal form of protest having had MOUTH CANCER as a child! She would return home, at 10PM or so, pile a dozen pillows between us on the bed, turn the TV on and wake me up. If I accidently touched her, she would recoil as if I had poured nitric acid on her. How do you get over that? When I asked her to turn it down of off, her angry response would be “Go sleep somewhere else”. Now I could have taken the TV and threw it out the window, or scream back at her to get her as^ in another bed, but with 3 kids there (or not there), not a good idea. Try to bargain you say? I did that. Same response. Virtually every day was like this.
I would pick her up daily at the train station after work, so she didn’t have to walk home. Walked toward the car like a zombie. Silence the whole way, puss on like she’d been sucking lemons all day. On weekends, she would immediately come home on Friday night and go to one of several neighbors houses and drink with the disenchanted wives in those three houses, come home and do the same thing.
I don’t see her being any different, or treating me any differently, but really, who here wants to quit? I was never perfect, but who the hel* is?
I’m certain if I say, “You want this, you do the work”, she immediately will and the anger will even corkscrew higher. One time, her best friend told me Mrs. FLTC lives her life at an 11 on a 10 point scale. Everything is a burr under her saddle. I don’t’ want this back, but I see no evidence of any change. Whadda ya’ think?
By the way, can everyone look at pictures of your kids as chilldren 3-10, without having you heart ripped out? How do WASs do this? My Gosh, it's devastating
FLTC, you are frustrated, bitter, angry. resentful, but it is the situation you are in. You can either dwell on why your WAW does this or doesn't do that, but not much good will come out of that. You can't do anything to directly change the way how she feels. Everything you feel is natural, but at some point you have to let them go and just worry about taking care of yourself and the kids. Yeah it is very hard and it's a daily struggle. At times I think if I just did this or that or if my W just did this or that things would be different and better and we wouldn't be heading towards a D. I even kick myself for things I did the past 4-5 months. But what good does that do besides bringing me down? I certainly can't change the past. Just remember, your W is in alien mode and does not do anything logical that you or me can understand or fathom. She doesn't think about anything long term or the devastating effects it has on the kids or you. Keep going with your life. You'll be better off in the end with or without her.... It's not easy but it's what we all LBS have to do to bring some sanity into this crazy mess.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
By the way, can everyone look at pictures of your kids as chilldren 3-10, without having you heart ripped out?
I'll be the devil's advocate for a minute For me looking at pictures of D17 when she was little brings back happy memories.....life was so much easier when I could pick out her clothes and her friends!!!!
Good advice, and I really KNOW all that deep down inside, and yes, life is NOT fair, but man it frosts me to think:
1. I will most likely lose a house that I love, with neighbors I love and have known for 15 years. I could fight it, and try and take the house and throw her as* out, but to what end? Is that better for anyone?
2. I will not get to kiss my kids goodnight each and every night and be there when they wake up every day and help them with their homework face-to-face every night.
3. I will not sponateously be able to pick up a hockey stick any day of the week after dinner and go out in my driveway and take shots on my son, or just sit on the couch with him and watch TV or read a book every night of the week..this one kills me. I was the one who bought all the books for the kids and read to them all the time...every day, every night. This kills me..did I say that already?
4. We lose financially big time.
5. It puts more stress on my family
Just ranting...........I can't change anything, but how does a WAS do this to their family because of some "unmet need"...pure and simple...that's it...the "Phantom Emotional Needs" that I was supposed to know I wasn't meeting...such an easy fix. And to destroy a family...for what?????
I know..I'm filled with anger, guilt, hurt, devastation....No need to tell me. I'm in a particulary bitter mood right now.
