I originally began posting in late spring because H and I had not been sexually intimate in over a year and had barely had sex since we've married. At that time, I swore up and down H wasn't having an affair (and, of course, he swore he wasn't either). I figured we'd just grown so far apart that we needed to rebuild the love. He said that he wasn't sure we'd ever be happy together and that while he wasn't saying we should separate or divorce immediately, he wanted to see if we could make it work. We started seeing a counselor and I found this site and the DB'ing books and started DB'ing like a champ. I got really good at making myself the best person I could be. I lost weight, I made friends, I had a renewed spirit, and, because I was DB'ing so well, I was starting to fall in love with H all over again. He was even starting to warm up to me...he was amazed at the changes I was making, he was future planning with me, telling me he loved me, etc. I felt that things were finally getting back on track...except that we weren't having sex.
Fast forward to October 23rd, 2007...
After many strange occurrences (i.e., him needing to switch from our ATT wireless family plan to a Verizon plan because his company offered a 20% discount; him needing to go home to visit his parents after he'd never had to do so before), one night we were watching a football game after a romantic dinner. He fell asleep on the couch and I noticed his new cell phone (the new Verizon one he got) on the stair ledge. Honestly and truthfully, I can say I was only looking at it because I was interested in the phone. But when I picked it up, the front screen said there were two text messages. Now, my H is not a texting kind of guy. Unable to resist the curiousity, I read the messages. One message said something like I miss you and the other said something like I loved the love we made last weekend in Courtland (this was one of the weekends he went home to see his parents). I was immediately gutted and....well, those of you who've been cheated on know the feeling. I'll spare you the dramatics.
Anyway...I woke him up, we were planning on divorce, yada, yada.
I found out that he'd cheated on me once before in December 2006 with a girl he'd met through a telephone chat line. They had sex once, but he wasn't attracted to her and broke it off. The girl he was having an affair with that I saw the texts from...well, he met her in May through a telephone chat line as well (surprise, surprise, late spring) and they had a very hot and heavy affair. He spent two weekends with her and spent countless hours on the phone and sent thousands of text messages (including illicit pictures) back and forth.
He'd also cheated on me once before we got married. So this makes three girls in all. Also, he's never been able to give up looking at porn, and he's been calling this telephone chat line since 2004. But he says he's only ever met the two girls he had the affairs with.
The Present
So now, he's been seeing a counselor, we've been doing Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness, and he's also been going to SAA (Sex Addict's Anonymous) meetings weekly. He's not looked at porn or called the telephone chat line since the SAA meetings started. He's made full confessions to my parents, his parents. He's shown a lot of courage by admitting the things he did and by seeking out the SAA stuff and freely going to the meetings. He's even going to start a once-a-week 9 month intensive SAA course.
He's saying and doing all the right things. He says that the actions he took were all born of selfishness and that he was feeding his compulsions/addictions with these affairs and that they were always about feeding the addiction. He says that he loves and wants me. Considers me his soul mate, etc. Wants to build a family with me, wants to be a good man, doesn't want to be a cheater. He says he is learing that needs to put me and our marriage as our first priority and that with that mindset, all decisions are easy.
BUT HOW DO I BELIEVE HIM?!? Thank GOD I knew better than to have kids with him. Even though we've always looked like the perfect, loving couple, I knew our marriage wasn't right.
So, now...what do I do. Do I let go and try to live in the present and try to rebuild our marriage? Do I give him YET ANOTHER chance? Do I love him? Undoubtedly. DO I trust him? HELL, NO.
Another thing...we're having sex again. Several times a week and it's good like before we got married. In fact, we've probably had more sex in the past 2.5 months than we had in the previous 6 years. For sure.
I get overcome with the betrayal and with how he could have done this again and again to me. I don't know what to do.
Any and all advice is appreciated and needed and desired. I am confused and would love some some perspective.
Thank you,
ntl
Me: 30 H: 31 Together: 11.5 years Married: 6.5 years No kids
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
