Real growing and healing

[believing_isaiah43]

frank,

you wrote that your wife isn't capable of supporting your or "that I can feel safe in our relationship" - this is SO what my H is going through with me. He has said these exact words a LOT.

[although our sitch, in its entirety, is quite different from yours, as H is the one who had the A 2 yrs ago, but financially/emotionally he is completely bereft and alone without friends or a support system. He lost his job from the fallout, and has yet to find another. Shunned and ignored, because let's face it, people do not like Messy. You must be Walking in Victory for the most part, or people just don't want to know you, the drama gets old after a while. So the Man/Provider/Protector button is pushed over and over, day after day, for over 2 years now. He feels he Lost his Life as well, no one sees him for Who He Is, only What He Did, he is dying from the stress, and much of what you write I think he could as well, from his emotional/heart standpoint.

So there is some background to say-
I read your thread aghast that I may indeed be like your W. In my mind I want to be, and perhaps fool myself that, I am more like AmyC than Mrs. Frank, but H continues to repeat that: he cannot count on me, I don't support him or 'build him up', he can't trust me with his heart, he cannot hand it to me because he doesn't trust that I will keep it safe (as I have not proven myself able to do so; I attacked viciously when cornered emotionally).

He is hurting, so much like you are, and I WANT to support him, but I have NO IDEA what that looks like on a regular basis, WHAT exactly I'm supposed to be doing. I have no role models in my childhood/life to look at for an example, and I guess I wanted to thank you a) for your honesty and b) for putting a mirror in my hand to show me something like what my H is feeling about me. I still feel stupid not knowing HOW to support him, part of me thinks 'sh*t, man, I'm STILL HERE' but that's no substitute for what he needs.

Point? Do I have one? I don't know anymore, but I am thinking of you and appreciate your willingness to put it out there, whatever it looks like.