THE PROB IS MOST NEWBIES THINK IT DOESNT APPLY TO THEIR SITUATION...THEIRS IS SOMEHOW DIFFERENT. IVE GONE ROUND AND ROUND W/ SEVERAL THIS FALL....WILL THEY READ AND LISTEN???? I HOPE SO.
NC DOES NOT SEND THE WAS FARTHER AWAY...YES THEY MAY GO DEEPER IN THE TUNNEL W/OP...THAT NEWBIES IS PART OF THE JOURNEY. IT IS A PART OF THE CRISIS THEY MUST GO THRU
Amen! lovemyguy, your comments are evidence to what a new 2moro is saying--Newbies think their situation is different, that they are the exception.
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Also, in our case there is no OW for H to leave in order to come back to me.
Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Maybe there will be later, maybe there will not. OW's are irrelevant anyway. SO what that there is no OW. Some affairs are only emotional, some never meet in person.
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[since there is no OW] I think NC WILL definitely send H farther away. Easing off already has created more distance between us, not less.
You miss the point. Of course No Contact contact will send him away. It may also yo-yo him back and forth--as he becomes scared at No Contact. But IF this is MLC he is going to go farther away anyway. It MUST happen for the crisis. It is part of the process. He must separate so he can come back. He MUST go through the MLC tunnel...without you. MLC seems to get worse before it gets better. Getting worse is not a sign of poor DB'ing or backslides or that he is a specail 'worse' case. That's how it works.
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MY H could have written the part about not believing in his gut and soul that he can love me the "right way." That, to me, is a crock, esp since he refuses to try even the tiniest bit--and he was the one who suggested we see a MC. We go and all he does is repeat that something is "missing" in him. It's pointless.
If he is MLC then it's not a crock. He is incapable of putting enrgy into your marriage because he needs to put it into himself. He doesn't have enough leftover. Begging and Pleading and other pressure tactics only divert enrgy from self-healing and self focus. This, I believe, is what can prolong the process.
But you know that--since you recognize he is a Depressed Zombie. You say it is a crock that he cannot love you the 'right way' but also admit he has nothing to give--LBS confusion!
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Still, why does he protest so much when it comes to trying subtle relationship/love-building stuff?
You've provided your own answers...Zombie, MLC, nothing to give...
And maybe what you think is subtle is not felt as subtle to him. It is pressure.
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He says he's worried it won't work, but my feeling is--OK, so then there's nothing to lose and let's try anyway.
But you've been reading this site for a little bit now...you should know. Why try when there is nothing to lose. It would be a waste of time. If you do try, you are showing there is something to lose.
If there is something to lose and he is MLC you have greater chance of losing if you TRY (pressure) now.
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It will work if you work it.
No! It will not work if you work it. You've said yourself that you are aware he does not have it in him to put in that sort of effort right now. And as for trying, it presupposes failure.
Do or do not, there is no try.
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If you refuse to try, of course it won't work. There is a choice here--he can do something or he can do nothing.
Refusing to try or doing nothing may be the only thing that works. Doing nothing is something.
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Again, I see that MLC is a crisis, but my H can still make choices for himself.
Yes, he can. So let go and let him do that--rather than pressuring him toward YOUR choices.
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I am not pushing anymore. No crying, begging, pleading, no saying i love you, etc.
You are not doing those sort of pushing...but it seems from your complaints you are doing pressure pushing. Let it Go.
I know it's hard. I know it's freakin' scary. I can't tell you he will come back if he leaves. But you've got to let him go. He cannot go THROUGH the process otherwise.
Your job during this time is to work on you. To focus on your Self. To be Patient, Forgiving and Loving. To find peace. Self Focus is meant to help you with those things.
