New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[Ellis]

Theoden, thankyou for your beautiful words. And thankyou for agreeing it is shameful to bring D around OW. It almost seems like I'm supposed to be ok with that and I'm making a big deal - at least to H it does.
FA - your absolutely right - D does not trust H with her feelings - I asked her about that because last week she came home early from visit with H - he was supposed to have her from 4:30 - 6:30 one day during the week (he also gets alternate weekends - his request - wants to make sure that one weekend is free for him and OW probably)Anyway she walked in an hour early and was crying - but she held it in around H - said he was abrupt with her all night and rushed her through dinner - she cried for a 1/2 hour - I told her to call him - she refused - said I cant talk to Daddy like that. I think she also feels that my H's love is conditional with her and she might lose it if she does the wrong thing. Tears your heart. Just got email hes cancelling all visitation this week - during the week and this weekend w/o even an explanation for me to tell my D. But the sad thing is she does not even mention his name when she does not see him. SHe wont even ask me about him at all or wonder. Because since he left us in 9/07 his visits with her have been so sporadic - even going 3 weeks with no call or visit - now he is staying on sched usually but I hate to say it I think it is bec we are in court for the separation. Was this the person I was married to? Who is he????????

[SueS]

Ellis-

I'm soooo sorry to hear this. Your daughter is so lucky to have you. My H is still at home, but I see the hurt our D3 has when he's not home or he doesn't have time for her. I just imagine how much regret they'll have when they realize the time that they wasted not getting a closer bond with their children. My H worked part-time nights and stayed home with D3 for about a year. He said part of the reason he wanted to do that was so she'd always have that bond with him. You know, if he doesn't get back to being the dad I know he can be, that year he bonded with her will be wasted time.

I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. Hugs to you and your D.

SueS

[Ellis]

Thanks Sue - Yes I'm taking it one day at a time. Thankyou for telling me my daughter is lucky to have me that is something I have to keep telling myself. I just wish I was a stronger person and was not hurt so much by my H and let him affect my moods around my D. I still fight with focusing on her when I am with her and not letting my mind wander to H and the future. But as time goes by I am getting on the right track. She always comes first. Yes, our spouses who walk away will regret their time lost with their kids if not soon maybe it will hit them someday when they look at how they are growing and how little precious time we really have them with us before they leave the nest.Thats wonderful your H stayed home with your D. Yes - your right alot will be lost if he does not come to his senses because she is so young and she needs her father now. You hang in their too - Ive been reading your story as well - Oh wish me luck on Monday - I will be returning to the work force after being a SAHM for close to 7 years - I'm terrified and excited at the same time! But I am looking forward to not being financially dep on H!!!

[karen43]

Reading your posts reminded me how lucky our kids are to have us. I think that is so true! It seems like from reading the posts here, and certainly in my marriage this past few months, that so many of our spouses have become "aliens" in a way. My H is just focused on the OW at this point and is making so many decisions that are hurting our kids and will hurt them in the future, and I am the only one looking out for them, and I think many of us here are like that too, and we don't give ourselves enough, sometimes maybe any, credit for that. Ellis, good luck on your job, I may be in the same position if we are divorced as well, working after 7 years also, so I will be interested to hear how it goes!!! Karen

[SueS]

Hi Ellis-

Good for you for getting that job. I know that it will take time away from your daughter, but it will be good for you. I'm a working mom, so I understand. It's tough, but I try to make the most of the time I do have with her, which is a lot more lately since H isn't around much. And you are right, as time goes by, you'll get back on track. It's very tough not to focus on what our H's are doing and to redirect that focus somewhere that's it's needed.

Karen, you hit it on the head. My H seems to be so focused on OW these days too that he's hurting D3 and I feel like the only one looking out for her too.

Have a great day ladies!! You are wonderful women and you, like the rest of us, deserve better.

SueS

[Ellis]

Just needed to vent - had rough day with D6 - took her to movies and shopping - and we were in store and she acted out in a way that is not usual for her - wanting everything and crying and talking fresh to me. I know it is because of everything that has happened with H and also she told me "Daddy buys me whatever I want when I see him". So I feel like I am competing. Of course I told her no to alot of things in the store - got her some clothes she needed. But she was so fresh which is out of her character and I was driving home and its Saturday night and H cancelled his weekend visits with D this weekend and I know it is becuase he has some plans with ow - choosing her over seeing his own D - and I thought how unfair this is and how this really sucks and how selfish he is. Hes turning our daughter into a spoiled child - buying her love - and I am left to deal with the tantrums when she is told no. I thought well this is only the beginning of life as a single mother - which right now I am. He hardly sees her. Has not asked me what childcare I have chosen for her since I am starting work tomorrow, never once asked to see any of her first grade school work, never asked to see her report card, never asked me about her visit to the allergist - etc. I just started to think how easy this is for him. He is now a single man who gets to be the fun dad every other weekend and not even every other weekend since he cancelled this weekend. I just thought how is it going to be raising a daughter as a single working mother with no positive male role model in her life. Little girls look to their father as role models for the kind of men they choose. How could he be this role model for his little girl? I was minutes away from picking up the phone and giving him a piece of my mind.

[LL44]

Stay away from the phone!!!!

I am so sorry you had a rough day with D6. That is so hard. You will find many parents on here (moms and dads) that have to be the rock, put their foot down, not let them stay up til 11pm, eat candy, get everything they want. Its not fun, but its you, being Mom, doing what's best for her.

You are doing your best, hanging in there. Try not to think of the fact that H isn't 'interested' in her life right now, just think of how much you aren't missing, how involved you get to be. You are the lucky one.

May I ask something? Is he avoiding D because he has to interact with you? Are they positive interactions? I know my H would physically retract when he had to deal with me in the beginning because he was bracing himself for rants. Now I see him relax because I am relaxed.

I hope you have a better Sunday. Let us know how your first day went tomorrow!

[Ellis]

Thanks IWB - I did stay away from the phone - I know deep down I am the lucky one - its just so hard to know he has a new life which he started while he was with me. He has someone to talk to, rub his shoulders and tell him all will be alright. He has freedom and a relationship. But I do know most of the time I am the lucky one to see my D every day and I would not change it for the world. To answer your question no he does not have to interact with me at all. All we do is email about visitation. When he picks up my D he waits in the car and I send her out. He just had other plans. Does he wish to avoid me - yes. Before I found DBing I was so angry and a begging pathetic mess - called him maybe 10 times a day either to let him have it or cry I did this from August - early Nov.. So he cut me off which made me only call him more thinking I could say something to get him change his mind. ANd that is the relationship he wants to have right now even though I have not called him since he walked out on me again in OCtober (said he wanted to repair M for a few days then got mad because I asked too many angry questions about affair so he left - I called him about 10 times and them stopped since early Nov). Then I discovered Michelles books. But it was too late. He avoids talking to me at all now - we have no relationship at all right now. And I am beginnig to realize that we probably never will again. Its been too long without contact - months. He has had plenty of time to think and does not look like he is changing his mind. I was reading there are all different kinds of affairs and one is called the "exit affair" - they have the affair as a way out of the marriage. It seems that might be my H since he said he way "unhappy for years" - the ow just gave him the courage. But I guess I have some small hope because he came back once and people have told me if he came back once - watch hell do it again. But I dont know - he could have come back out of guilt for my D but he did say he still loved me - who knows. Im just so tired - you know. I just want everything to go back the way it was but only better or to really let go and have the pain go away. Anyway, I started my new job after 7 yrs as a SAHM. It was good to get out of the house but I felt so old in my training class - it seemed like me at 40 was the oldest one there - everyone was fresh out of college or 30 at the most. So I was not able to make any new friends but it has only been the first day. D enjoyed aftercare - she said it was like a big playgroup so that makes me feel good. Anyway will take it one day at a time.

[fooled again]

Ellis,

I'm glad to hear that you started your new job and that you have such a good attitude about it. This is the hardest part, believing in yourself, but before long you will see what you are capable of and be very proud of yourself. And I'm glad to hear that your D6 is enjoying aftercare.

When I first went back to work (after discovering my H's A) my D6 had a shock going to 1/2 day daycare (she was 5 at the time). She is still very, very close to me and clingy, so separation is a big issue. Even now after 1.5 years, big changes cause her to regress. You may want to prepare yourself for your D's many moods - she doesn't understand what's going on and she is looking to you for guidance. My D6 has her moments, and alot of it has to do with how I am feeling. It's as though she is a mirror of my feelings, like we are symbiotic or something. But dealing w/ my D6's acting out and talking back are a fact of life for me nowadays. I find when I am calm and non-reactive, she calms down much more quickly.

And I still have trouble focussing on my D6 when I'm distracted by what my H is doing or not doing. We are human and can't beat ourselves up about that. Your D may look to your H for the kind of man to love, but she will look to you more for the kind of woman she will become and what she does and does not deserve in life and in love. Your H may suffer when he realizes he is losing his connection w/ his D, but regardless if he figures this out before it's too late to undo the damage or after, you are there for her, and she is going to be fine, b/c you are going to be fine.

Also, you can't beat yourself up for making mistakes at the beginning like begging and calling 10 times a day. He may be saying that he was thinking of coming back just to validate his own behavior and blame you for everything. Don't fall into that trap - it was not your fault. If you read alot of posts, you may discover many people in your sitch (and mine) who were willing to DB and wait long enough for their Ss to come to their senses. Who knows. But you're doing great - new job, GALing, concentrating on your D6. It has taken me awhile to "get" that these things that we need to do for ourselves, we need to do them whether we're getting on with our lives, or DBing to get our Ss to come back to us. The "actions" are the same; its the state of mind that's different. If you do what you are doing, while keeping in mind the possibility of saving your M, that's DBing. If you do what you are doing while keeping in mind that you are "done" w/ your H and your M, you are getting on w/ your life. Some days I flip flop from one state of mind to another depending on what my H is doing or saying (or not).

I guess that's why one of Michelle's techniques is to "Fake it till you make it", and "act as if", which creates this state of mind that makes you better able to follow through with the "actions" of DBing. That's my take on it anyway, and I still feel like I'm new at this and trying to figure it out.

Keep it up. You really are doing great.
FA

[Ellis]

Feeling so down these last few days. I'm loneley. I have my D which I am gratefule for and the acting out is still going on - only now its after a long day at work when I pick her up from aftercare. Anyway, FA I'm sorry your D had such a hard time with daycare. I thought my D was doing all right but H has not seen or called her for 3 weeks now. He was supposed to pick her up on Tues but never showed. I thankfully called to make sure he got her and they said she was still there. The daycare worker told me she was very upset and kept asking where is my dad? Emailed H very politely what happened? and could he please notify me if he could not see her since I am working now and need suffucient notice and just got back curt email - sorry could not make it. I dont understand him. D will not talk about it and I dont mention H at all anymore to her. Thanks for telling me I'm doing a great job - I dont feel like it. I thought that after being at home for years with D that when I started work after whats happened to my M I would feel so much better about myself. The training is grueling and everyone in my class is in their mid 20's. At 40 and what I have been through and am going though as basically a single mother right now - I cant relate to them - I keep to myself. I have 2 friends who are both married SAHM's. Cant relate to them anymore - I just think why did this happen to my M - why not you? When one of them is always telling me how lousy her marriage is? I know I;m feeling sorry for myself - with the why me? I just feel so down this week after starting work and am really missing my H. I almost called him twice and almost emailed "I missed you". but I did not. I just really miss him - I am at the verge of tears again throughout the day but have managed to hold it in. I just feel so lost.