W called to check in this morning, making sure the kids were being sent to school properly. Said she didn't do her second massage with her friend because she fell asleep after dinner - still dealing with Jet lag going from Rome to California.
I asked her if she had connected with the people she wanted to do teaching with - if you recall my old sitch they were the ones who run the retreats she went to where she met OM. They are believers in the 'find your path no matter what' philosophy.They're also a bit dysfunctional, but she realizes that about them.
Anyway, she said she talked to the woman who she is sort of 'friends' with and they just talked 'girl talk' which means she talked about her current crisis I'm sure. I didn't ask.
Said she woke up at 4 am which has been typical (fall asleep early, wake up at 4 am) lately. Says she just sat and did some thinking. I didn't ask.
'Good byes' were simple. I didn't say 'I love you' and neither did she.
I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking that it was all over for sure, that she is in that 'shut off my feelings and do what I want to do for myself' mode which makes it possible for her to leave even though she 'loves me'.
But I kept thinking to myself that she does love me, and unlike last time there is no 'OM' to help her disconnect from me and the girls. But all the other players are still there. Same girlfriends, same friends.
Does it really matter though? I mean, is she really required to stay with me? I remember that one of her friends said she was a very loyal person and didn't think she'd pursue OM 2 years ago.
Maybe I beat that out of her too. I wish I could have shaken myself sooner, I tried but it took longer than I really had left. I wish she wasn't a quitter.
I guess I'm just looking for something to 'hang on to'. some 'hope' that says she isn't running away yet.
Just like last time, and the time before that and again and again.
