nwed: You aren't getting what you need to get from NMMNG. Have you really read it? Have you done the exercises? It's not about changing her...it's about changing you and your world view.
You wrote a great email...very cathartic, I'm sure. Now delete it. Your expectations are unrealistic -- with HER, and with your relationship.
What if she read that list of faults (because that is so very clearly what it is) and said, "nope. I'm not going to change. Deal with it"? Would you accept her and continue loving her? Or would you decide to hit the road? If you'd accept her and love her, I might question your sanity/emotional health, but I'd still give your M a slim chance of recovery/success. If you'd hit the road, then why are you making her reaction to the email the determinative factor about whether you stay or go? That's passive aggressive at its core.
NMMNG is not about handing your love a laundry list of needs. It's about taking control of your SELF and not depending on others to "complete you."
Read the book again. Do the exercises. And for god sakes...why are you drinking? I have cut back A LOT in an effort to be a better example and because I felt it was causing problems in our relationship. I call BS on this. You cut back "a lot" to be a better example? What kind of self-serving, patronizing half-assed crap is that? If you want to drink, drink. If you want to stop, stop. Don't do it to set an example. From what you report, it sounds like both of you have addictions to alcohol. Get yourself straightened out, but do it for YOU.
As with haphazard, I'm still in the "BAIL OUT" camp. You need to get healthy and it's going to be a lot harder (but not impossible) to do it while you're married to her.
I know of what I speak. I battle almost daily with behavior/feelings/situations that are uncannily similar to those which you have described. Things seem better right now, but (please read this!) the improvement, in large part, is due to changes within me. My attitude. My LACK of expectations. My level of self-confidence. My patience. My self-talk. My discipline. She can still rag about what I didn't do, what I ought to do, how I should behave, etc., but instead of me saying to myself, "I better do what she says because, if mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy. Plus, if I piss her off, I've just given her another reason to not have sex with me," I say, "is her request reasonable? Will it benefit me? The family? The house? Our marriage? Do I feel like fulfilling her request? And, if so, when?" I have found that the eggshells all over the floor make little difference in the grand scheme, so I put on my boots and stomp whichever direction feels right to me. This is totally opposite of my usual M.O. How has it affected the relationship? I'm not really sure. Some positive things have happened. Some net-zero things have happened. It has, however, had a positive effect on me. And that's a good thing.
