It sounds like you have a plan for going forward. Being flexible is a good idea, because you'll need that all through the time your daughter is growing up. Be sure you know which points are not flexible, and maybe discuss those with trusted friends/counsellor to be sure you choose your battles wisely.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Yes, sounds like a good plan. Whenever you are under the impression that H will be looking after X, always try and plan something. So then when he wants to change times, you can say "I have something planned at that time" of course he'll want to know what and you can tell him. Then see what he says. Then if he really can't get out of his thing, say "I'll have to see if I can cancel it, I don't want to let such and such down, but hopefully they'll be ok about it. I'll call you back".
if every time he wants to change the time you have something on, he'll start to realise he needs to let you know earlier and if you're frequently cancelling things you will be in a better position to say.. "it's important that we stick to agreed times as I'm letting down a lot of my friends (or work) at the moment and they are starting to get jack of it."
at the moment i think you are always waiting till he confirms his plans before planning anything. however, then H knows that you will always be free to look after D until he confirms what he's doing. so at the moment there is no need for him to tell you or plan things earlier. then you are left waiting closer and closer to the time before you plan anything.
I think the word is "being reasonable" not "flexible".
A lot of WAs get cold feet when the actual D comes knocking. Losing you might not be how he pictured his new life at all.
If you don't want the divorce, don't move toward it. Do work to protect yourself and your daughter financially with parenting plan, division of assets and debts, etc. Make all of that legal and binding. Here you can do many of those things through the courts without getting the actual divorce unless one spouse pushes for the divorce.
If you do want to divorce and he's dragging his feet, you will have to be the one to push. But if you don't want it, maybe you have another chance now to go to DR basics, like GAL, and see what kind of results you get. He's kept your plans in limbo by messing with your daughter's schedule, but when your time is your time, he might wake up to what he will lose in a divorce.
Happy Friday Eve!
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Casey The enabling thing here is the D is your choice. You are not bound by any time constraint unlike the folks who has a WA who is filing. In a few areas you are in control believe it or not.
The real area of control you have is what Joe speaks of. There are people who waited out their spouses insanity and took them back in and others who had enough and filed. We would all cheer for you if your spouse became a prodical son and returned begging forgiveness but that is only one senerio.
Off to study more. Just finished the Navy's TB pgm and on to the exciting Recovery of Precious metal program. This is why so many volunteer to go to SW Asia. Arrrrrrrg
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Yeah...I'm wondering if I'm sooo close to filling out those forms because I desparately want some control. Or, is it because I really do want a divorce.
I just can't get over how much he has betrayed me. Why couldn't he ask for divorce first and THEN do all this stuff?
Hi LT From what you report he wants it all. Wife mistress and the life.
I kinda did the same thing but adventure was my mistress and X and kids were left at home often. Everything I did made money but that was not the motivator.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I haven't talked to him since Wednesday when I needed to find out if he was spending time with d6 on Thursday. The time before that was Monday when I left a message to find out if he was spending time with d6 on Tuesday. He hasn't been able to spend any time with her this week (he had her last weekend) and he hasn't called to speak to her at all this week. The last time he spoke with her was Sunday lunch when he dropped her off.
I downloaded divorce application forms yesterday and they are sitting in my bag.
I was torn between contacting him about a few things but ended up sitting and talking to myself to work out which things I REALLY need to let him know and which things are just me disguising a way to needle him.
As it turned out, finances are tight this month (aren't they always just after Christmas?). I need to pay out more for d6's vacation care (remember in Oz it's summer holidays) and I just don't have the cash. I could put it on credit if I have to but I thought "no, bugger it. She's his daughter too. I haven't had to ask him for money for months (though he has given me a few hundred dollars here and there - probably monthly I guess). Why should I sit here and stress myself out if I haven't even asked him if he will help>"
So I steeled myself and called him.
H: Hello M: Hi H: oh hi. M: I need to ask you if you will pay for half of d's vacation care H: I can't hear you M:I need to ask you if you will pay for half of d's vacation care H: Why? M: Because she's your daughter and well, I...pause H: and what? M: [pause] Well...I could do with the money. H: Well why don't you say that instead of pulling the guilt trip M: Look, if I didn't need it I wouldn't ask. H: When do you need it. M: Well I need to pay by Monday. If you can't help out I'll have to use credit. H: I'll see what I can do M: Is that a yes or a no? H: I said, I'll see what I can do. M: OK H: Bye M: Bye
I think that's about right (for my recall of the convo).
I kept the conversation to one topic and one only. Yay! I hate asking him for money. I earn way more than he does so realistically I shouldn't need his financial help but on the other hand, I don't see why I should have to stress about things for d6.
I don't know if he's avoiding calling the house becuase he's angry at me for telling him I want a divorce. I wonder if he is thinking about it and I wonder if he needs a reminder that I mean it (in the past I haven't always followed through on things I've said). Would it be bad form to tell him that I've downloaded the forms or should I just file and let him find out when he gets served that I am serious?
I'm getting peeved that he hasn't called d6 for almost a week now.
I've asked her a couple of times over the last three days if she wants to call him and she always says no. She doesn't seem bothered by him not calling.
So why am I let it bother me? Should it bother me? Should I say something to him about the long term effect of this on d? He is a big boy and he can deal with the fallout. I just don't want d6 to grow up scarred. I will not be interacting with him at all anymore when d6 is about. I got rapped over the knuckles from my counsellor for that (I get upset and she sees it).
