Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Journaling,

My original thread: His affair, he left, now he wants me back.

Boy when you start to slide down that slope, there's no telling how far down you'll go.

My D6 told me something today that pretty much confirms that H and OW are in contact, and seeing each other, though how far it has gotten is not known. She described meeting "Daddy's friend", but didn't know her name, and when I asked her what she looked like...well you know where I'm going with this. I had even asked him if he'd seen her and he said no (dumb question, I know).

So the lies continue, probably the A as well, or at least she or he is talking about it. I don't even know if he was ever sincere about wanting me back and becoming a better person and living his life with honesty and integrity.

Of course, I have no proof of anything. Today I called my H's cell and left a really nasty msg, but deleted it at the last second. Since then I've been feeling just awful. I feel angry, foolish, betrayed all over again. I want to confront him with what D told me. I want to tell him to just get out of my life, stop playing games with me, let me go so I can get on with my life and heal.

Of course, there is the possibility that what I'm thinking and writing is not the case, but then I told myself this same thing for over a year. WHY do they hang on to us if they want to be w/ the OP? WHY can't they just leave, stop hanging on, stop giving us hope? It would almost be a relief for him to just say "it's over, I'm never coming back". I know many of you would not want to hear that, but I am getting closer and closer to that point. Just what is my breaking point? How far can he push me? How much sh*t will I eat before I say "enough"?

Today I am not DBing. Today I am contemplating throwing in the towel, giving up, shutting that door. Today I want to just find my way out of this mess, alone, and let him live in his crazy, f*cked up world that he can't let go of. Today I want to ask for a D, sell the house, move to another city. Today I feel like I am done.

Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

Fooled Again (again)