I hear you loud and clear, and I agree completely with NaTo, also.
I have been on this roller coaster for a year as of this Thursday, and while I have done an incredible job of finding myself and GAL, if I do say so myself, I have found there are whole weeks when I can't pull myself out of the dumps and the H-focus. The past couple weeks were like that - I even found myself begging him to just come home ... something I thought I had more than left behind months ago b/c I knew it wasn't going to happen. This week, though, I'm back up, detaching a bit more each day, and while I wonder if the certainty that would come with a divorce would be a relief, I just don't know...
I wonder how much I have to find that balance - that steady space - despite the limbo; that even if we did divorce, that I would continue to ride this roller coaster of what if and why every once in a while anyway.
I know that my grieving process I went through for my sister when she died 22 1/2 years ago is so similar to this: even when I have found a good "spot" for her to be, when I know that I'm not obsessing or focusing on or feeling her loss all the time, there are still days when that painful sadness leaps out and grabs me - and each time I think, "WTH?"
I don't have any better answers than you're finding already, I think. Keep trying to reach for your own place and to hold onto your own worth, and then be gentle with yourself when those panics and painful spots come back. Consider this: wouldn't you hate to feel balanced quickly? Wouldn't that require that your love have been a whole lot less deep?
IMHO, it makes sense that doubts and questions about what we are doing should arise, especially as we find strength and consider where else we can go - even just where else we must go with our marriages. Transitions are never simple.
I hope you keep finding support here, and know you're not alone!
