So your wife sucks at being supportive. Hell, maybe she sucks all the way around. What if she does?
How does that let you off the hook as far as your responsibility to yourself, Frank?
I never said it let me 'off the hook'. I've been saying all along how I've been stuck, and the dynamic between she and I was keeping me crazy. Here I am taking responsibility but you know, for the past 2 months I have been TRYING to get back up, and I would not drink for a couple nights until the anxiety and hurt and real fear would just be so overwhelming I couldn't absorb it any more. Then I would feel bad, she would be angry but 'supportive' and the cycle repeats.
And I told her "I hate this, I have to stop these feelings I get but I don't know how". And she said she supported me.
And in November we had a big argument about support, and affairs and how I felt alone and when was she really going to help me. And she said "I can't take this any more, I'm so done".
We talked later, I told her again how much I hated my life and I needed this to change and please help me and she said she would by making sure she came into my office often during the day to give me a hug or somehow let me know I was ok when the anxiety was growing. That lasted a couple days and she stopped.
So yeah, I fcked up because I failed to find a way to support myself. I built this expectation that someone else would help me. I ASKED for help from her, I didn't just sit there I ASKED. Her only 'idea' was 'go to AA' or 'go see a doctor'.
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And what about your responsibility to your daughters? You owe it to your daughters to get your sh*t together by whatever means necessary. No matter how much blood, sweat and tears it requires. They are looking at you and deciding what kind of men to pick to be their husbands. If the way you are right now would not make an acceptable son-in-law, I suggest you find the man inside you that is.
I know that. More than anything. I didn't intend to 'fall down' it just happened gradually, one thing after another goes wrong and she isn't any help. In fact, she let her business stay small and only now does she decide she needs to grow it - probably so she can support herself.
How many times do I have to say that I fcked up because I knew in my heart that SHE couldn't help me but I didn't know who COULD.
How many times did I say to her:
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
I feel so alone.
It hurts so much every day, I want to die. But I don't.
How many times did I have to tell her this?
The only thing that kept me going was knowing that other people were being helped by me. But I felt so alone.
And I told her. I told her. It's not like I sat there at night drinking and saying 'piss of'. I told her.
And right now from where I sit I AM alone. She's playing this 'keep my distance while I talk to my friends and get enough courage to ACTUALLY leave because I know there are men out there who will pay attention to me and aren't in the sh*thole place Frank is in' game.
It's part of her 'Spiritual growth' and she probably deserves to be happy. I have no idea what I deserve right now, all I know is that she won't be able to give my daughters a decent life on her own so I'll have to pull myself up again, under almost as bad a situation as before, but this time I will NOT try to fix anything with her any more.
She is no AmyC, but I am a 'frank_d' somewhere inside.
