You know, Frank...I really didn't want to go here. I scanned the earlier posts looking for you to say you were drinking. If you had written it, I must have missed that. That changes things considerably. And yeah, I get the "mean" part.
So here's where that puts me. Remember when Jeff came home that first time? He had it ALL going on. He was sober, in AA, even in anger management (albeit court-ordered, he appeared to be getting a lot out of it). He stood for another 15 months, sober and sleeping on the couch, because I was still in MLC and just sinking deeper. I had moments though. Moments when I tried to get and keep my head out of my ass. It is those moments that are still thrown up in my face every now and then. At that time, Jeff was getting straight to save the marriage. It played so well, though. Til about 12 months into it when I started seeing signs he was drinking again. I snooped out back, found beer on the back porch. I'd find his cans/bottles in the toter (trash can that we roll to the street every week). Of course, in my state of mind, HE blew it. Not that I'd given him anything to "blow". He just took all he could and he reverted back to what he knew, to the dysfunction that fit him like a second skin (God, I know I am supposed to be seeing something in this...) and I jumped on that opportunity to get him out of the house that second time. He broke because he had no support system, Frank. And he doesn't know how to be his own friend. What I now know is since then, Jeff has never gotten back on the wagon. That was 3/2005. In his quest to get his license back last year, he played the system and because he also fooled me, he walked away with my daughter as the prize. He doesn't feel like a winner though. I know that much. Neither do you.
I can not help you while you are drinking, Frank. Doesn't matter if you are under the influence tonight or not. If you are of that mindset - the one of escape and self-medicating - it hits too close to home. I'll tell you what I know though and that is this: If you think you are down NOW, keep drinking (I don't care if it's weekly, you have said you had a drinking problem) and alcohol will take you farther down than you want to go and it will keep you there longer than you are willing to stay.
You now have an opportunity few have the tools to rise to: You can be your own hero.
You have the tools. You just need to decide that you are worth it.
