I can not fathom a woman who has had a man fight so hard for her NOT stepping up to the plate when he needs someone to NOT TO FIGHT FOR HIM but just to stand beside him and believe in him. I don't see your wife really doing that but I do see you still making excuses for the fact that she is not. That's not going to be acceptable forever Frank because you CAN'T absorb the issues that are hers alone to overcome.
But Amy, I've really been losing it, I get angry, I was drinking to get away from the anxiety, similar to your husband except I got angry, asking her why, why couldn't she help me?
She just isn't someone who can take that, but the 'support' was never very much. I mean, you eventually left your husband for similar reasons.
Yeah, I 'fought for her' but obviously I didn't fight for me and now she's been through another year of 'lost frank' and it's hurt her too much so that she has withdrawn and is trying to figure out what to do for herself.
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I have lost a lot of respect for your wife and I am sorry if that is conveyed in this post to you. I know her background and I understand many of her battles but Frank, how long will it be okay for her to stand behind those crutches and not expect more of herself? It is NOT wrong for you to expect more FROM her. For Christ's sake, you are VOCALIZING what you need and she just STANDS THERE??!! I can't wrap my mind around that, Frank, I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say. She tries. It's me who is losing it. I'm sorry.
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The first obstacle I see you needing to overcome is a basic one, Frank. But it is a very effective one. It is fear. You said it yourself, you are afraid of not being able to be what she needs you to be. When the hell is someone going to be afraid they aren't what YOU need???? No. This is about give AND take. I recognize it because I used to be the taker, Frank. As of late I am the giver. Either end of that stick can suck if the other person is no more than a sponge and again I am sorry, but your wife sucks up more energy than she appears - at this time at least - to be worth.
But don't you think that maybe there is a side of me you are ignoring? Sometimes I'm not very nice when I'm hurting. She isn't someone who can absorb that kind of stuff forever.
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As you can tell, I'm still angry to discover this current state of your relationship and I am trying to get above it but every time I start typing, it comes back. I guess I'm just gonna have to keep apologizing... I know you recognize that I get angry on your behalf because you and I go way back. You have helped me bounce back many times in more ways than one.
I guess I wish I would have said something a long time ago, but I don't want to let people down.
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I think you need one of those men's retreats that COG has mentioned in the past. You need to go on a search and recovery mission, my friend. The objective: Locate your balls! I think your self-esteem is in the toilet. It has suffered not only the blows on the relationship end of things but also from the business end.
Yeah, I went on one two years ago during the affair and it did me a world of good.
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Screw the wife. She's capable and if she doesn't believe that, then this is a damn fine time for her to find out for herself that she IS.
She is very capable of taking care of things. She's not weak, she's just not able to stand for me when I'm hurt, angry and just stuck and medicating.
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Take off the thinkin' cap and get to know yourself again. Not as husband, not as father, not as business man. Get to know Frank.
Yeah. I need to get a life.
And you and others are right, I make a lot of excuses for her. But what about me? I haven't done my best, I've been in this hole for a while and she hates it, and doesn't know what to do to help me. Now I'm 'motivated' partly because I had already HAD ENOUGH and was willing to do anything after I spent the week alone when she and my D17 went to Rome with the band. I had nobody to talk to and I was just in high anxiety. I took down all the photos on my office wall and put up new ones of just my W and I, or the kids and I, so I could reaffirm to myself what really matters. I showed her this when she got back, after she told me she 'didn't think we could stay together'.
I had my awakening and I was really hopeful she'd come back and we'd work together to get out of this mess. Instead she starts to get confused about the fact that she can make 'connections' with other men she meets and does that make her a bad person? Then she thinks maybe she is meant to go find new experiences since we don't seem to be able to fix ours.
If you knew her, you'd see she is a gentle soul who has been in a tempest because of me. I see this as all about me now, all about saving ME because until that is done, nothing else will matter.
Now I REALLY need her but she's pretty much shut me out. She comes home this evening and passes by me to put something in the sink, then turns and gives me a peck on the lips. She goes to her friends house to do a massage and afterwards calls me to see how the girls are (they are both sick) and I say 'talk to you later, love you' and she says 'see you later'.
Please just be careful when you are defending me. I'm not perfect.
But I do agree with you, no matter how I look at things I keep thinking to myself 'why didn't you do whatever it takes to help ME?'.
But then again, I shouldn't have expected her to, I should have helped myself.
Most of the advice I'm getting is similar to yours. Just let her go, be nice, let her come to you if she wants to but just let her go. Take care of yourself because until that's fixed nothing will work in your life.
