Don't Push!!! A Newbies MUST Read.

[Punktmann]

I'm still a noob, so I don't often post things that I "know will help." (how can I know, I'm still in limbo.)

But THIS, I know can help some newcomers to MLC. I think it applies to men AND women.

I edited out the unnecessary parts of this quote, (the writer's sitch,) This is only intended as a reference to what the WAS is feeling.

B/c most readers here will be LBS's, please do not post judgementally of this quote. The brave person who posted this is working through their problems in the best way they can. Please think about how difficult that must be.

......I had a rough week last week. My H who was doing
"great" with our separation, realized that he wasn't
happy about losing me after all - go figure.

I got emails, calls, etc. about how sorry he was for his
part in the deterioration of our marriage, he loves
me, he's been crying a lot, he won't let me go - on
and on. It really wore on me. It didn't break me down
and make me feel warm and loving toward him. It did
the opposite.

I have asked him repeatedly not to want
answers about our M or relationship right now -
because I don't know, and I can't go there at the
moment. If I could, I wouldn't be in my own apt.

He's wearing his wedding ring on a chain around his neck -
little stuff like that irritated the P*ss out of me!

Plus - it made the guilt worse. I don't dislike my
husband - I do love and care about him.

I do not believe w/ my gut and my soul that I can love him like
I should - to be married another 20 years. I just
don't. I don't want to hurt him - and I am - I'm
hurting him badly. So, I limited my contact w/ him
this past week (per therapist suggestion) - haven't
seen him face to face since last Saturday - about 10
days. No more emails ("if I lose you, then I have
nothing left" stuff) very limited phone calls.....

I'm not lecturing, (I did a lot of this myself early on...) but I'd like to point out what "pushing" does to them.

It really wore on me. It didn't break me down
and make me feel warm and loving toward him. It did
the opposite.


I have asked him repeatedly not to want
answers about our M or relationship right now -
because I don't know, and I can't go there at the
moment. If I could, I wouldn't be in my own apt.

Even if they didn't verbalize this, they feel this way inside. They need space from the pressure.

Things I learned in my sitch,

R talk is pressure
Anger is pressure
Those stupid little digs we all let slip are pressure
What it will do to the kids is BIG pressure
Adding to their guilt, even unintended, is pressure

Plus - it made the guilt worse.

I would have liked to have read this a long time ago. I still have a mountain of frustration and anger, but understanding helps.

I hope this helps.

I found it on Path Partners web site. This is a site with forums dedicated to helping women in MLC, and also husbands of women in MLC.

Best,

Punk