I have spent a good portion of the afternoon and this evening thinking about your situation. It does make me angry because I can not fathom a woman who has had a man fight so hard for her NOT stepping up to the plate when he needs someone to NOT TO FIGHT FOR HIM but just to stand beside him and believe in him. I don't see your wife really doing that but I do see you still making excuses for the fact that she is not. That's not going to be acceptable forever Frank because you CAN'T absorb the issues that are hers alone to overcome. I have lost a lot of respect for your wife and I am sorry if that is conveyed in this post to you. I know her background and I understand many of her battles but Frank, how long will it be okay for her to stand behind those crutches and not expect more of herself? It is NOT wrong for you to expect more FROM her. For Christ's sake, you are VOCALIZING what you need and she just STANDS THERE??!! I can't wrap my mind around that, Frank, I'm sorry.
The first obstacle I see you needing to overcome is a basic one, Frank. But it is a very effective one. It is fear. You said it yourself, you are afraid of not being able to be what she needs you to be. When the hell is someone going to be afraid they aren't what YOU need???? No. This is about give AND take. I recognize it because I used to be the taker, Frank. As of late I am the giver. Either end of that stick can suck if the other person is no more than a sponge and again I am sorry, but your wife sucks up more energy than she appears - at this time at least - to be worth.
As you can tell, I'm still angry to discover this current state of your relationship and I am trying to get above it but every time I start typing, it comes back. I guess I'm just gonna have to keep apologizing... I know you recognize that I get angry on your behalf because you and I go way back. You have helped me bounce back many times in more ways than one. I wish I knew how to help you so here's my stab at it:
I think you need one of those men's retreats that COG has mentioned in the past. You need to go on a search and recovery mission, my friend. The objective: Locate your balls! I think your self-esteem is in the toilet. It has suffered not only the blows on the relationship end of things but also from the business end. You need a breather. You ought to be the one taking a night out. Actually a weekend. You're a type-A personality and even they have to recharge. Oh, it doesn't happen often... Type A's run longer, harder and tend to dig deeper and expect more of themselves than the general population. But when Type A's fall Frank, they fall hard. You need to circumvent that if it is possible. To accomplish that, I think you need to throw a bag in the car and split for 2 or 3 days. Hell, maybe a week. You need some Frank time. Screw the wife. She's capable and if she doesn't believe that, then this is a damn fine time for her to find out for herself that she IS.
I don't want to hear about her whining. Or her dismissals. Or her hemming and friggin hawing. Or her blasted massages. Or the girls. Frank, sometimes it is possible to TALK TOO MUCH.
Dude, go cast a line in a lake somewhere. Go hiking, have a look-see at a museum, sit on a friggin cliff and meditate BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE DO SOMETHING. Get off your butt, Frank. Take off the thinkin' cap and get to know yourself again. Not as husband, not as father, not as business man. Get to know Frank.
Now that's about the nicest version I have of my FIND YOUR FREAKIN BALLS speach, Frank.
Next time, I'm going to be mean.
Now what are you going to do?
Because I'm sure it's not what I have suggested...
