W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[john210]

Lanzo,
I think this is great news. I wish I would get that type of response. I would be ecstatic.

[fb2]

Lan, Looks like you have to walk on thin ice a while longer. Your W is getting away with having her cake and eating it and OM in the background is a menace. But W in the same house and no legal battle are *huge* pluses along with a collection of baby steps in the right direction. My friend told me that when his W saw him going out with women and he said he'd have to sell the house she made moves towards R. Anyway I'm at least as blind as you so what do I know!?

[Lanzo]

Hey John,

I'm too scared to be ecstatic, I'm more cautiously optimistic.

I have to follow W lead for now and it seems that she throwing herself in to home improvement to take her mind off all what's been going on. I don't think I'll be able to relax until she says in more positive tones that it's just the two of us (and D6) moving forward. I still don't think she's got OM out of her system and I have no control over that.

On a positive note I fixed the draughty window in the bathroom so W will no longer have to freeze her butt off in the mornings. She seemed quite pleased that I did that job and she touched my arm as she thanked me. Then jokingly she said you should have done that job six tears ago, and we both laughed.

So she talking in terms of house, house, house so I just have to go with the flow, maybe she'll think about the R later.

[Lanzo]

Hmmm..... GAL costs money, I've just checked my account, shock !!, not much in it, I think I'll need to talk to my bank manager again.

Still on GAL, over the weekend I told W I would be going out to the comedy store to see Chris Rock on tour, you should have seen the look of shock on her face, even more so when I told her I was going with BIL and he's paid for my ticket. Her reaction was "When were you going to tell me ?", "Why the secrecy ?" I just told her no secrecy BIL has 2 tickets SIL decided not to go so he asked to to fill in.

Anyway tonight of the show, I get dressed ready to go, W says let me see how you are dressed, so I show her. "Oh you can't go like that, haven't you got a better top to wear." So I change. Then she suggests I wear black casual jeans instead of scruffy jeans. "Ok" she says "that looks better". BIL arrives to pick me up, W greets him with a kiss and hug, I give W a hug before I leave, but she makes the point of moving her head 180 so I can't kiss her (wasn't going to, but I'm gonna mention this).

Just before we leave W says "don't chat our busines with BIL".

OK, not to over analyse, but W choosing my clothes, controlling or concerned behaviour ?

Answers please. (before this thing locks up)

[Lanzo]

Still on GAL, over the weekend I told W I would be going out to the comedy store to see Chris Rock on tour, you should have seen the look of shock on her face, even more so when I told her I was going with BIL and he's paid for my ticket. Her reaction was "When were you going to tell me ?", "Why the secrecy ?" I just told her no secrecy BIL has 2 tickets SIL decided not to go so he asked to to fill in.

Found why W was so interested, she actually wanted to go. She said it sounded really good "I would have like to have gone to that". I'm not sure if the next bit is real or my imagination, but I think she followed up with "that's the sort of thing we should be doing". Her back was to me and she kinda mumbled it, so I could be wrong.

[Lanzo]

Today W asked me to pick up D6 from school, and to make sure she has her earrings with her cos W forgot to take them out before D6 sports lessons. W reminded me 3 times so I wouldn't forget. Anyway guess what ...., I forgot, I forgot to check at the school for D6 earrings. Sh*t !!!!.

When I got home with D6, W sees we haven't got the earrings and goes off into a mini rant, at the end of it she calls me a "Waste of Space !!!". Grrrr. Old patterns of behaviour would have meant me making some comment back and then withdrawing into myself, and then us not talking for a few days.

Today I thought I would address this properly. I waited for things to die down, then I asked W could we have a semi serious chat. I told her that I know I messed up a simple set of instructions, but calling me a waste of space doesn't help our sitch, in fact it the starts up the old patterns of behaviour and we don't want that to happen again. W's response was "I hear what you're saying". Then I said to W, I know we don't hug that often, but when we did before I went to the Comedy Store you over exaggerated moving your head out of the way so I couldn't kiss you. I said I'm not trying kiss you, and I won't kiss you unless you want me to. W just nodded. Then as she was walking away she said you did look very smart though. (Thanks)

As we are now, I can see how our old ways of communicating caused problems in our M, W in her semi alien state can't see it yet.

[GFI]

Hi Lan

This sounds very positive -you spotted an ineffective way of communicating and tackled it. You sure had some b*lls to tackle it in such an effective way given the circumstances I think.

IMO you made some useful ground here but you need to be careful not to be too hasty to make hay. Just let it settle for a bit I think.

Best - GFI

[fb2]

A "waste of space"!? All it takes is a spark like this to cause a fire. You did well to wait for calm time to assert you're tough but not a doormat. I suppose we also have to be aware of our buttons and when they get pushed process the hurt before it turns to anger either inward or outward.

[Lanzo]

Hi GFI,

I think I had to say something to W otherwise the last thought in her head would be H is a waste of space. Rather than try to win an argument I just wanted to let her know that her comments were not helpful to our sitch.

In the past we have left too many things unsaid, or we have not communicated our feelings effectively, this has led to poor assumptions, resentment and ultimately the sitch that we are in. I'm not going to kick the door in and come out with a new set of rules, but I'm hoping if I can take a lead in these types of situation then W will follow. There's less anger from W so I feel she more inclined to listen.

[GFI]

Yes, yes, yes! I can relate to that - too many things left unsaid, too many assumptions made, too much taken for granted etc etc.

All of that rings true with me - I guess I thought in many ways that we shouldn't have to discuss such things, that in a loving R this sort of stuff should sorta take care of itself - how wrong and blinkered!

All the more reason to recognise the ground you have gained here - you have shown an awareness of a fundamental failing in your R previously and taken a massive positive step to showing that you 1. you can recognise it when it comes along and 2. you can tackle it. Also you have modelled a way of dealing with it that W may be able to slip in her tool-box too.

Best - GFI