question about text messaging

[fooled again]

Hi phbear,

I completely understand your need to snoop, to gather information, for your peace of mind or for legal purposes. In a sense you are trying to exert some control over your sitch, since they say knowledge is power.

There is a major problem with snooping, and I can tell you with 100% certainty b/c I was there - it WILL drive you insane. The more you snoop, the more you find. The more you find, the more you feel the urge to snoop. It becomes an addiction. You find yourself spending huge amounts of time, energy, and maybe money (they have sophisticated computer monitoring software you can buy, hiring a private detective) trying to find more and more about your S's A. You become obsessed, anxious, and nothing else matters.

Just writing about it brings back those feelings to me and my heart starts to beat faster and I can feel the adrenaline being released into my system. It's no good. It won't help you. I didn't see it until I was in a very dark & lonely place in my mind, and even today, a 1.5 yrs later, I'm still tempted to snoop. I did not like the person I became.

But as soon as you let it go, you can focus on yourself, your needs, your own happiness. The others are right, you knowing what he is doing won't stop him - it just makes you look bad, and they get better and better at hiding things. In a way you are lucky - at least your H is open w/ you about the A and is not telling you he wants to work on your M, while he's carrying on his A in secret. My H lied to me about his A, told me there was nothing going on. I felt like I was going crazy b/c I did find stuff and when I confronted him, he lied. I didn't know what was reality anymore and I couldn't trust my own instincts. It was the worst time in my life.

I started to feel better when I decided to live my life, that if that's what he's chosen for now, and I can't stop him, then I have to take care of myself and my D. The moment I said I was done w/ him and went dark (I was totally serious) he started moving toward me. We still have a very long way to go, but that was the turning point - NOTHING else I did before that made any difference, and I thought I had tried everything, for over a year.

And one more thing, if you are able get through this and you and your H can start to work on your M, the more you know, the harder it is to forget. I found out way too much, too many intimate details, so that everywhere I go there is a reminder of my H and OW, everything I do I think about what he did w/ her, places & things I used to enjoy have been spoiled.

I wish you good luck with your M, but you deserve to take that energy and spend it on yourself - stop squandering it on your H if he doesn't deserve it right now.

FA