I believe I am scared that I have let my heart get hard and I will not be able to let him back in .
it seems to be easier not to see him or talk to him and I never thought I would get to this point.
I miss him still yet there is this little voice inside that tells me that I am ok and will be ok for I have been able to deal with everything that has come at me in the last 18 months.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
If you were to get to that point, it wouldn't be a problem. You'll just be done. In all my time around here, I don;t think I have ever heard someone regret that they couldn't let their spouse back in.
And I think it is healthy that your inner voice tells you that you are and will be ok. If there is one thing I learned from all of this it is to take care of today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
How Do You Know when they are thinking of breaking the silence and seeking you out again???
H called this am. has not done that wks. He was trying to find s and wanted to know if he was away... ? not sure why he was asking me for he had talked to people at work and stopped by his work 2 nights in a row looking for him.
so he has my ck. and could not give it to s I didn't say a word. kept listening. He asked when d would be back from trip and then told me that L has final draft of papers done. Do I want them sent to my L or me. I said please send me a copy so I can look at them before talking to the L.
didn't say anything else about it. He seemed to get nervous and then he said to have s call him about going out tonight.
oh and he talked about s not going to college this semester and staying up all night and sleeping all day again. Said s sends him txt msg at 5 am some days.
so... then I thought and did something I am sure I should not have but I am at the what the heck stage have nothing else to lose.
I called him back... told him I was going to dinner and that he and s can hang out here. He said that would be nice asked what time. I said I was not sure would find out and send him a txt.
ok... so I then say we need to talk before d's party next week for their can't be tension between us in front of all those kids. I feel like you are avoiding me like the plague.... he did not agree or disagree or say a thing. He said ok. had to go....
his phone rang and rang before he answered and at the beginning of the conversation I swear he sounded like maybe he had been crying. Now he has NEVER cried in front of me... nope done it several times in front of d.
so.... how much contact... that is the question... if he is still holding on to the papers and has not had her send them yet... and there is a chance I can talk to him and he is maybe seeing the light how do I do this???
just need some advice and how to let him know I am still here with out being to forward this is part I don't get. I have not talked to him and let him have his space for all these months.
just not sure if he realizes that I am willing to work on this M still... how do you say so without coming out and saying it? or do you say it?
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I was outside working in my yard today and looked around and said... "darn for the last 18 months I have let so many things go it is going to take forever to get this place the way I want it"
then a while later while taking laundry off the line which is ironic for that is where I use to have these flashes of ..."this could all be gone in a moment".. like H was going to die this occurred for about 3-4 months before he left. I do think someone was trying to tell me something.
any way... I stood there taking down the clothes and thought ... now wait a minute what would I have done in the last 18 months that I did not do?? Was I really that happy? did I know who I was inside... ?
I have not let things go totally I decided that I had accomplished a lot not only in the house and yard but with in myself. I know who I am again. I have found me.. I am no longer just the wife and just the mom.. I am me. I have an identity again.
So if we get D and things stay the way we discussed for the settlement I will be ok financially until I can get on my feet 100% and figure out where I want to go. For I do not think I want to stay here and be the ex wife. I want to be me.
but then I could stay here and be me and be successful and that would show him and me that I am a person who did not dessert him and stood a long time and never gave up.
I did not run away from my problems or blame someone else. I dealt with me and myself and found who I am.
you begin to think you are worthless when no one acknowledges you are there.
I know I can go to sleep at night and not feel guilt and to me that is important. For how can he live with himself is what I think of sometimes.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
At the beginning of my ex's mid life crisis, I asked him how he can look at himself in the mirror.
He started to cry.
I got my answer.
MLC'ers = self hate
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Well guess I will move to the separated and D section for this seems to be where I am heading.
my L called today and H's L sent him a settlement agreement. My L's words were.. "can't imagine why she sent this doesn't look like she even read it for we would never agree to this too much is missing"
now (bad word).... I spent 3 times talking to H to work out the agreement and we both agreed on things that we discussed and we walked away and thought and came back and agreed. So what did she do?
ok my new plan ... will call L in am and tell him... can't meet you until next week for I am busy this week.. I am for my d has a friend here and I have a house full of kids starting friday for my d's big 18th bday on sunday. H knows I have no time to deal with this right now and he has been sitting on it since the 8th of dec. he can sit longer.
Then I am going to tell H that my L will write the settlement agreement and send him a copy and he can sign it. If he does not like it then we will go to court and OW will be named as co respondent.
no more nice guy. I am going to be firm no more walking over me and me thinking he is going to change his mind and come home. nope can't see it ever happening now. If he thinks I am stupid enough to agree to HIS idea of what he thinks I deserve he is in for a huge surprise.
Even my d has told him that he needs to respect me more for I have been way too nice to him in the last 18 months. I am tired and just want this all to stop. I just get on the road to some happiness and he blows it all away
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
