Ive given this thread a lot of thought in the past few days. Ive also re-read NMMNG. Ive come up with the following list of expectations for my wife. I plan to give them to her this weekend. I would like everyones opintion -
We have been having difficulties off and on since March as well as I can remember. I admit that I have to take my share of responsibility in the problems. This e-mail isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong or who had their feelings hurt or to re-hash what has happened between us.
I have come to a point in this relationship that I am unwilling to continue going down this same road weve been stuck in for the past 7-8 months. Sure weve had some good times in there, but weve also had a lot of bad that didn’t need to be as bad as it was. Ive become someone I don’t want to be. I was never the type to lose my temper and throw things. Or to yell and scream and slam doors. Our personalities are like fire and gasoline now and they didn’t used to be this way. We used to speak to each other with such kindness and respect, now we are always short with each other and distant and we cant seem to be happy together. We used to work together to make each other happy. We used to be kind and giving and responsive and compassionate with each other. I feel that no matter what I do you wont be happy. I feel that youre not willing to put much effort into making me happy. I feel you’ve put it all on my shoulders are unwilling to meet me ½ way in trying to make this relationship work. I feel you continually hurt me to get back for some wrong ive done. I also have a lot of hurt, as im sure you do, that I need to let go of. I have been unable to let it go because I don’t feel close to you. I don’t feel loved anymore because of all the hurt. I want to begin healing our relationship.
That being said, Ive decided to outline MY expectations from this relationship. I would hope you would do the same so we can put the needs on the table and stop arguing about who’s needs aren’t being met and we can stop guessing about what we think the other person wants. I also hope that this will help us get to the point and decide if we want to continue this.
I expect to have sex 2-3 times a week with some oral sex 1-2 times a month. I expect you to enjoy it and help me make it good for you too by giving clear direction and encouragement when you like it. I expect to be able to see your naked body daily. I expect to be able to flirt with you, make sexual innuendos, and occasionally grope you without you becoming angry. I expect to be able to ask you a question and not be exploded at. Example - "hey sugar, how come you get dressed in the closet now?" "GAA WOULD YOU GET OFF MY ASS?? I DID IT ONE TIME AND NOW YOURE ASKING ME ABOUT IT??" I expect you to wear sexier clothes to bed more frequently. A nightgown is much sexier to me than a t-shirt and pants. I expect you to wear stockings for me a few times a month. I expect to be spoken to with respect and kindness instead of disdain and shortness. I expect there to be no sarcasm or snide tone in our conversations or fights, its demeaning and abusive and I wont tolerate it anymore. I expect you to stop drinking until we get our relationship back on track. I expect when I bring up a problem or how I feel that it is not shut down, minimized or twisted to making it my fault that I feel this way. I expect understanding, compassion and empathy. I expect when I bring up a problem that you do not explode into a rage about how ive hurt you and listen and help me come up with solutions. I expect when we talk about problems that it doesn’t turn into the blame game or the “if you’d just (rub my back, take me to dinner, make a date night, put some romance into it, tell me sweet things, buy me meaningful trinkets) id do____” I will GLADLY do those things when WE get back on track. I expect to not be criticized for little things, like the way I drive, the way I eat, the way I dress, because I took the tip for the cab out of my pocket early, because I didn’t know you wanted me to hold your hand, because I bought you hard tacos, etc.. I expect the little things to be let go, like accidentally missing your turn in a board game, darts, leaving the soap in the dish, throwing out popcorn etc. or anything else small. I expect you to accept my apology about the little things and that be the end of it. Not to continue criticizing me and belittling me about it well after the issue is resolved I expect you to not look for things to stay mad about. I expect you to NOT roll your eyes or look away when I kiss you. I expect to be kissed passionately back. I expect you to NOT glaze over and get frustrated if I am not touching you sexually in a way that you like. I expect you to gently give me direction if the way I am touching you isn’t turning you on. I expect NOT to be hurt sexually anymore. By hurt I mean the points above AND not to be denied sex in an ugly and condescending tone. It is ok if yorue not up for it, but you don’t have to hurt me for wanting it. A simple not tonight, or an I’ll make it up to you tomorrow is A LOT less wounding than “Gaa would you just go masturbate?” or a “would you just stick it in, that’s all you want anyways” I expect you to initiate sex a few times a month. I expect you to touch my cock on occasion. I expect us to work together to stop ripping each other apart. I expect us to be playful, flirty, and have fun together again. I expect you to not get angry at me because I am trying to help you. I.e. with the laundry, cleaning, dishes, cooking, or miscellaneous projects, etc. If you don’t like how im doing it, tell me how and I will do it. Don’t just get mad and be mean to me because im not doing it your way. I expect you to control your temper better and work at peace instead of continuing to look for things to be mad about. I expect us to work together for the common good. I expect PATIENCE when I don’t understand something you’re telling me. I expect if you ask me a question and I don’t answer it in a way that you understand to ask a different question. Not to continue asking the same question and get irritated when I give the same answer. I do NOT expect you to be my maid, my chef, my laundry service, or my sexual recepticle. I DO expect to have a fair, balanced, loving, emotionally bonding, giving, generous relationship with you and I am willing to work together to achieve it.
These are my expectations from this relationship. If you are unwilling to work with me on these expectations I do not want to continue this relationship.
Im sorry it has come to this point, but my needs and expectations are valid and important. I want to have a good, rewarding relationship with you. I want us both to feel loved, cherished, cared for. These expectations are what I need to feel loved.
