Another newbie with a problem - long story

[sandi2]

Stormchaser,

When I first started reading your thread, it reminded me of my M in the first year of so. My H would complain that when we were over at my folks or anywhere else, that I would act "turned on" to him. He resented it b/c he thought it was the idea that I knew we couldn't have sex. I suppose he thought I was being a tease. But that wasn't it at all. I was turned on alright, but it was b/c he would act like he did before we were married. Then we would go back home and he fell into that "married" mode again.

If there was anything that ever turned me off it would be for my H to ask me if I was going to give him "any" tonight. I hated that! I wanted him to be attractive and act sexy like he did before we married. But where we were home.....it wasn't the case.

After the first few of your posts things started getting a little deeper, so I started not to say anything about this, but it just reminded me of myself. Even when a H is starved for sex, a W doesn't want him to appear clingy and needy. That may sound cold hearted, but it's just the way it works. I can see your side of this in your thread, but being where your W is to a point (I don't drink and party), I can kind of see her side of it also.

I think all the excuses she gives you for not having sex....is simply that...excuses. Apparently, having a few drinks makes her horny. Which makes me wonder if she would go to bed with some other man if you weren't around. What do you think?

I am glad to hear that you two are going to C b/c I think you really need to soon. It may take IC to help her b/c it may be too easy for her to just blame you for everything. Sure women like the romantic jesters, etc., but I don't buy that as being the problem here with your W. I think she needs to see a new man in you. One that is very sexy and attractive to her. Perhaps one that is not so easily gotten into bed at her beck and call. In other words, GAL and play a little harder to get! It is very tricky when things are rocky b/c you don't want to over-kill and give her a reason to walk away from the M. Try to put some time into remember what you were like before the two of you got together. If we could just stay the person we were on the day our S married us.....how great our lives would be! I have seen a lot of weddings and I always wish that as I look at their eyes shining so full of love for each other and then in a couple of years I hear that they are divorcing. We change. Isn't it sad? I know that age, children, health issues, and other circumstances of life can't help but change us to a degree, but I don't think that most of us could proclaim that we have tried hard enough to stay the person that our loved one fell for. I know I haven't.

I know it's been hard but believe it or not, you won't actually die due to lack of sex. If you don't believe it....read my thread.

[Stormchaser]

I think all the excuses she gives you for not having sex....is simply that...excuses. Apparently, having a few drinks makes her horny. Which makes me wonder if she would go to bed with some other man if you weren't around. What do you think?

Nope. I've never, ever gotten that vibe.

I am glad to hear that you two are going to C b/c I think you really need to soon. It may take IC to help her b/c it may be too easy for her to just blame you for everything. Sure women like the romantic jesters...

I had to chuckle. I think you meant "gesture". Jesters makes me think of court jesters.

etc., but I don't buy that as being the problem here with your W. I think she needs to see a new man in you. One that is very sexy and attractive to her. Perhaps one that is not so easily gotten into bed at her beck and call. In other words, GAL and play a little harder to get! It is very tricky when things are rocky b/c you don't want to over-kill and give her a reason to walk away from the M.

See, thats where the No More Mr Nice Guy book has helped me out. I used to be so afraid, and she knew it, of her walking away. Many years ago I got an almost ILYBNILWY speech and I freaked out, crying, shaking, wondering where all this came from. I was disgusted at how I literally crawled to her and clung to her every second of the day. Pretty attractive, huh? But since reading the book and doing the exercises, I've never even come close to acting that way. And she's noticed the difference, because she has repeatedly told me that she feels closer than she's ever felt to me - its just that the low sexual drive is whats causing the friction now.

One thing I've told her - no more sex after alcohol. It stopped NYE. I just don't find that attractive anymore. [/quote]

Try to put some time into remember what you were like before the two of you got together. If we could just stay the person we were on the day our S married us.....how great our lives would be!

Oh sure, back then we couldn't keep our hands off each other. And when she walks in the door, to this day, I'd love to take her upstairs and ravish her. But sex is usually the furthest thing from her mind after work. Well, why stop after work....I mean, I'm sure its somewhere on her mind, right after washing the windows....[/quote]

I know it's been hard but believe it or not, you won't actually die due to lack of sex. If you don't believe it....read my thread.

I have read some of it, I'll have to read some more of it tonight. I know you can't die without it, but why live without it?