New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[Ellis]

Hi Micheal - thanks for checking on me - we are doing fine. I visit the DB site every day to see how everyone is doing but have not posted for ahwile because not much to tell. I have been trying to get on with my life and let go. Have come to the realization since H and I have no relationship whatsoever now and do not communicate at all exept short emails about visitation hours there is no hope at all. I have to realize its over - it would take a miracle now. H has promised his lawyer not to take D around OW until div is final. I will be starting a new job on 1/14 so am looking forward to that. Tonight was hard - H had visitation and waits in car for D - I have not cried in days - not even on NY's eve when D and I were home alone - but cried after he picked her up. Just thought to myself 20 years and this is what it has come to - no contact at all. Its just so sad to me and I cant understand how he could not even just want to try to say lets be friends - he would rather have no contact at all - I tell myself if he did not care at all he would try to make friends because it would be no big deal to him then - that the only way he can keep going forward with div is to have no contact to give him strength to do what he thinks he has to - either that or he really cant stand me - H told me when he left me he does not even like me anymore - my personality - then in Oct said he still loved me - then cut me off again - I have no idea what he truly feels and I think he likes it that way and I have to stop guessing. I just wish I never had a child with him if I would have known he was going to be in my life this way - its torture - when he does not call, email or have visitation - I am fine - I feel stronger - but when I rec emails or he comes to get D I get so down - Just waiting for the day when it does not hurt so much.......

[fooled again]

Hi Ellis,

I have just read your thread and some of it sounds like my life for the past 1.5 yrs. SAHM with a D6, my H had an A with a coworker, I had no idea we were in trouble. So many of us with the same story.

You are doing well for someone who has had to deal with this in such a short period of time. Unfortunately I did not discover DBing or this site until the third bomb (my H told me he ended the A, but kept it going for another year, maybe more). I went crazy, b/c intuition is very strong and in my heart I knew something was wrong.

Anyway, enough about my sitch. Something you said struck me:

I have no idea what he truly feels and I think he likes it that way and I have to stop guessing. I just wish I never had a child with him if I would have known he was going to be in my life this way - its torture

.

I thought that too for about two minutes at the beginning. But I realize that in the end, if the only good thing that came from my M was my D6, then I am the luckiest woman in the world. Make the effort to create those special, magical memories for her and for you. She will remember those times, and they will sustain you like nothing else can right now.

I have something else to share w/ you but I have to go. I will write more later tonight.

Stay strong. The only way you can get through this is by believing in yourself. You ARE wonderful, you ARE lovable, you DESERVE a really great life. Give it to yourself - no one else will. I have learned this the hard way, and it has taken me a very, very long time to get here.

FA

[fooled again]

Ellis,

Okay, so what I wanted to add was about your H (sorry, I do tend to write quite a bit when I post). He knows what a terrible thing he did to you and your D (he would never admit it right now, maybe not even to himself, but he does know). He hates himself for what he has done (again, would never admit that). He is in the throes of an A that is making him feel like a better person than he believes he is. That OW makes him feel good about himself, so he responds to her. You are reminding him what a terrible person he is, so he avoids you. Get it? This is exactly what my H told me about why it was so hard for him to give up OW (and also why I know there is still a chance she is still in the picture). I'm not saying your H (or my H, for that matter) will ever come back - no one knows for sure when we are DBing (I wish) but the more you tell him he is a bad bad man, the more you push him toward this person who makes him feel good, or at least allows him to forget what a horrible thing he has done.

What if you just concentrate on making yourself the person you always wanted to be - imagine if you had never married, and you could have done anything with your life without worrying how it would affect your H. It's kindof cool really - you get to be whoever you want now. An artist? A chef? An accountant? I fantasize about this now when I am running on the treadmill at the gym, getting stronger physically and mentally. Going back to work will be a big boost in that regard. You get to move on, but if your H stays w/ OW, he will always remember how they got together, that their R came at the cost of making his family suffer - one day it will hit him and he will drag that around with him like a chain around his ankle. I think that's why they say R's w/ an A partner have a really low chance of surviving - too much baggage they can't get rid of.

No contact is good right now since you're still inclined to lash out at him. Don't call or email him except the bare minimum regarding your D6. Set up a SCHEDULE for your D6 to see him until the courts figure out things, not just a "what works for you this week" deal. Stick to the schedule - it will help your D6 have some sense of stability if she knows that on Wed & Thurs she is w/ daddy, etc. And it will help you (1) have a little control over your life ("Sorry, I can't take D6 on your night this week - I have made plans.") and (2) to GAL so that you know which days and nights you have free to get together w/ friends or take a class or go to yoga, or whatever you always wanted to do but never had time for as full time mommy (believe me, I know about this).

But later, after you have had some time to work on yourself and get stronger, a little bit of contact, just so that he sees you are getting on with your life, is kindof a good thing. Many S's start to be curious when we change things about ourselves, act unexpectedly. They think they know everything about us and then we surprise them. Heck, we surprise ourselves! And they especially don't like the notion that their W might be "out there"! Yes, it sounds crazy, but even in the middle of my H's A, he would ask me if I was seeing anyone, he acted jealous if I didn't tell him who I was with if he called and I was out, telling me to have fun on my "date" (sarcastically).

You may not want to do this to lure his attention back to you - you may be done w/ him. I was, but then he started pursuing me, so I started thinking about it again - guess I never really shut that door. I don't know for sure if my H is still lying to me, if he sees or talks to OW (he moved out in Mar/07, not w/ OW but they were talking about buying a condo together). But I'm finding strength in detaching so that when my H has D6 for a few nights, I am living a "single's" life (though not dating, but my H doesn't know this for sure) - I do what I want, go out to dinner or movies w/ friends, go to the gym after work, or eat popcorn for supper and watch trash on TV, and I have no one to answer to. It's kindof like a vacation, but it took me a long time to appreciate it, and even now there are days when all I wish is for us to be together. So I come to these DB boards and read and post and I feel a whole lot better.

It also took me awhile to change my focus from my H to my D6. The "Barbies" comment really hit home with me too. My D6 was confused and hurt, and talking to her and reassuring her was essential, but just playing and going to cool places and really playing up doing "girlie" things together has taken her attention away from the negatives. If your D6 tells you something about your H, even if it bothers you, be grateful - at least she is not locking it up inside, yet (they start doing it so young). Make her feel that she can tell you anything, and I would suggest that you always give her a neutral response. I constantly remind my D6 that I love her and Daddy loves her and that will never, ever change. She will have two homes and Daddy and I will make sure that she is safe and loved and happy, no matter what. I also tell her that I don't know what will happen, that no one knows what will happen in the future, but that I will be the best Mommy I can be for her, that she can tell me anything and I will never get mad at her, and that she should feel that she can tell Daddy anything she wants too. She had once asked me to tell my H something for her, but I told her that she needed to figure out a way to tell him, b/c he loves her too.

Okay that's it, I won't write any more. But thank you for sharing your sitch, b/c it reminds me how far I've come and how I got here. It reminds me that this DBing really does work, yes it's hard, sometimes I feel like I'm failing, but I see myself becoming a better person b/c of it. You will too, you will not fail at this. You may stumble, but that's okay, we all do. And that's why we're all here, to help pick each other up when we stumble and lose our way.

You are in my thoughts.
FA

[Ellis]

Hi FA - Thankyou so much for your thoughts - sorry it took so long for me to respond. I know you are right I need to say to myself that my M was worth it because I have my D instead of now I have to deal with H as my ex with visitation - I know she is worth it. Its is so encouraging to hear from you guys who are in a different place right now - a place I want to aspire to - My whole life was my H and my D - I know - pathetic - I met him when I was 20 - I dropped out of college - worst mistake of my life - had various "jobs" and then stayed home with my D and now here I am dumped for the OW at 40, no college ed, out of work 6-7 yrs and my whole life the last 7 yrs has been my H and D. Now H is gone and I feel so lost - how do I live without him - I dont mean suicide - I mean how do you live when your whole life has been your family. I am starting a new "job" next week and D will be going into aftercare and I have contemplated possibly going to night school but as a single mom I dont know how that is possible. I am doing a little better each day and know when I start working and getting out of the house I will be much better. I realized that I do really need to find "me". I have always relied on H for everything. We are complete opposites personality wise - he is outgoing and friendly and jokes alot and I am quiet and serious until I get to know you - but in all of our social situations I would stand back in the shadows and just let him do his thing. Now Its me alone now - its frightening in every way - socially, emotionally, financially, and as a mother. I just cant bear the thought I dont have my partner anymore. I hope to get where you are soon - Thanks

[Ellis]

I wanted to add also H keeps trying to switch visitation around every week - hes a traveling salesman - but you know his work sched is not my problem anymore and I do feel like he thinks I have no life and nothing to do - so I am going to make him stick to a set schedule - he just emailed me to change the hours again this week so I'm just trying to figure out how I word I need set visitation without pushing him away. Its hard to Db if you can call the point I'm at DBing since was are in divorce ct and he wont speak to me and he is the one with ow - but I dont want to be walked on anymore - I guess I will take your advice FA and just email him - sorry cant do that day I have plans. I think that is a perfect DB response.

[SueS]

Hi Ellis-

Boy, you could have taken some of the words directly out of my mouth with your sitch. Other than the fact that I've been in the work place, we're in a similar spot. I understand the lost feeling without your H. Although I am in the work place, I truly don't have "friends" that I do things with. I don't. I've always made my H and my D3 the top priority. I never made plans without seeing what we had going on first (just common courtesy to me, I guess). And, often if H did have plans in mind for us, I NEVER told him that I'd already made plans. I just cancelled what I had and did what he wanted to do.

I almost went back to school when D3 was born. I was enrolled in classes and she was born a week before classes started. It was just too overwhelming for me. H didn't really understand what it was like for me. I quit right away and regret it to this day. I know it looks like a lot and maybe too high of a mountain to climb, but just try it. Use your daughter as your inspiration. If I'd kept at it, I'd be in a much better position now and I'd likely not have to worry about whether or not I'm going to be able to support D3 and I on my own.

Your comment about the way you are socially is me to the tee. H has an outgoing personality and I'm the quiet one. I wait to see what the situation is and what's around me. I've often had people tell me after I've gotten to know them that they think I'm a totally different person than they first expected me to be. I know I need to be more outgoing, but being careful is just who I am.

You are right about the scheduling. Not your problem. My H wants to separate. He has no idea that when he does, it won't mean that he can see our D3 whenever he wants, on his own time and schedule. I won't allow it. Not just to be a b*tch, but so D3 can have as normal of a life as I can provide for her.

It's easy for us to tell others what to do. You're getting good advice and support here. Be strong. You sound a lot stronger than most would expect at this point. You sound like a wonderful, caring mom who knows what she wants and needs to do for herself and her daughter. I know it's tough, man do I know it. Today I am one month shy of being 40. I try not to think about it, but then like a shovel in the face, it hits me. I very well might be a 40-year old single mom with a preschooler. I hate that. I love being a mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything. BUT, my H was always on the side of not wanting kids. I wanted kids, but wasn't devastated when H told me he didn't think he wanted them. One day he came home announcing that he wanted them. I was thrilled. We tried and I got pregnant very quickly. NOW, just shy of 4 years after she was born, H is looking to leave. I say I hate this because although H LOVES D3, he runs from responsibility. He always has. I can tell at times (even just this past Sunday) that the amount of time that D3 needs from me makes him upset....as if she's taking time away from him. Again, he does love her. I know he does. But having her was his decison too. And now her world is splitting apart. That's what I hate.

I'll check with you soon. Take care!!

SueS

[fooled again]

Holy crap! Were we all separated at birth? Our stories are so very similar. I quit work when my D6 was born and made both D and H my universe, lost contact with most of the few friends I did have. I never went out w/out my H, in fact I didn't even have a babysitter so that my H and I could go out, even though he often suggested both. H is very social and was always into sports, so he went out fairly often. H used to say, "Go out w/ your friends", but b/w his travel (salesman too) and his sports, there weren't many nights he was available to stay home, and even then, there was no schedule I could count on to make plans. But I never put my foot down and demanded my time. I never placed enough value on myself, instead I always put both of them before me. And all along my H was feeling that I didn't care about him, only D. There you go.

I guess the irony is, as mothers, we seem to give up too much of ourselves for our children and H's b/c we believe it's best for our family. But that makes us less desirable b/c we are no longer mysterious and interesting & our H's find someone who is. We lose our family b/c we weren't selfish enough. Crazy! Now we are forced to be selfish and take care of ourselves in order to survive, and in many cases, that makes us more desirable to our H's & they usually notice our changes and start sniffing around to see what's up. What's up is down and what's down is up. No wonder this is so hard.

Ellis, the important thing here is that you value yourself and you make sure that you are doing for yourself what you need, since obviously no one else will. I have the same exact problems with this as I have months ago, and even though it may seem like I'm so much farther along than you are, most days I don't feel that way. It is an uphill battle every day. Just when you think you are getting somewhere, you slide back down a bit, maybe not all the way, but far enough that it can be discouraging. But I come here, read, post and vent and I always feel better.

Don't give up on yourself or your M (if that's what you want). You do need to find "you". I know how you feel, not knowing who you are, thinking about the things you've given up, and for what, all the "might have beens". But in figuring out who you are, you will learn alot and if you take your time, you may discover an incredible new life for yourself (which may or may not include your H) that would not have been possible before. That's what I'm going for.

Good luck. I will be following your thread.
FA

[Ellis]

Hi guys - Its really going to be a major life change for me as you guys are going through also. I have no family in NY. Parents retired in FL, three sisters scattered across the country and I have 2 friends local who are both "happily" married stay at home moms who I can not connect to anymore. I feel a distance from them already as if I have caught some rare disease and I am contagious. So, I hope to meet some friends - or just one friend when I return to work. People really have no idea how painful an affair is until you go through it. My "happily" married friends all look at me and say its been months get on with your life - they say "thats what I would do - as soon as I found out my H was cheating I would be gone." I just look at them like they are aliens bec thats where I used to be. I was one of those women who judged and thought I would never want my H back if he committed adultery. I had a friend who repaired her M after an affair and I thought - shes crazy. Now here I am hoping my H has a change of heart and a miracle happens bec when you lose what you thought you would have forever it changes your complete outlook and when you experience such pain you are amazed at what you can forgive knowing your family is at stake. It has taught me never to judge anyone until you walked in their shoes. I will get on with my life and just hope for a miracle. Sue I know the kids and what they go through during a separation tears your heart and the problem with the spouse who has the A and is that they are so wrapped up in their own needs they dont see the damage and pain they are causing to their children. In my case my H dropped the bomb and filed immed and moved out - I was left to pick up the pieces with my D - hes never seen her cry, act out or seen any changes at all bec when he sees her he takes her to dinner and shopping for toys so of course he sees a happy 6 yr old and thinks oh shes just fine - but I'm the one who has seen a dramatic change in her personality and hs seen her break down and cry over the littlest things that normally would not bother her. I read somewhere that when a spouse is in an affair they justify all the pain they are causing bec they have convinced themselves that they have already sacrificed so much by being in an "unhappy" marriage and now its ok to live for themselves. I will never forgive my H for never giving me a chance to work on my M. H made all the decisions in his own head, dropped the bomb and left. I had no choice. If he was thinking of his D - dont you think he would have said I know I'm unhappy but I at least have to be honest and work on this M at least once and see is anything changes. He did not even want to try. That kills me bec I would have done anything to give my M and my family a fighting chance.
FA - its amazing - I never once had a babysitter either. I realize we did it all wrong - never had "couple time". My H told me to get a babysitter about a month before he dropped bomb and I never did - maybe that was his last attempt to try at our M. Its funny how I look back and remember things he said to me and now I say Oh so thats what he meant - now I get it. He also told me when he left he felt I put our D first - he even went on to say if we were all watching tv together and he asked for his shoulders to be rubbed my D would then ask can I have a rub and I would rub her first - he resented that so much. He was jelous of his own D and I had no idea. Why did he never open his mouth - if I had only known - I guess he felt like he was married to a mother instead of a woman. And now hes probably involved with someone the complete opposite of me and so now I look bad. Shes probably a perky, vivacious, outgoing person like him who laughs at all his jokes and they have plenty of couple time bec he is living the single life and has his nights free. It makes me sick - sick - sick

[theoden]

Ellis,

You are supposed to feel bad. Your whole world was ripped to pieces.

On top of that your husband wants to expose your daughter to the OW, how shameful is that?

Your sadness and rage are justified. This means you are human. And deep inside you, you are really full of love..but that means you can get hurt and angered when someone violates all that is sacred to you.

Now what do you do?

1. I think you got the part about going dark and not chasing.

2. GAL, more importantly, re-invent yourself. You can flourish.

Flourish. You are woman of beauty and deep passion. Let her come out to play.

--Theoden

[fooled again]

theo,

Flourish. You are woman of beauty and deep passion. Let her come out to play.

You are amazing! I can't believe that you are a DBer, that some crazy woman left you. She's nuts. Any man talked to me like that, I'd melt.

Anyway, Ellis, theo says it so elegantly, this time is now for you. And going dark and giving yourself the space to reinvent yourself w/out the distraction of trying to be what your H wants is what you need most right now.

IMHO, your H will NEVER know how your D really feels (unless he puts in some major effort soon), and that, purely and simply, is b/c she does not trust him enough to let her true feelings show. Yes, he will be "fun daddy", buy her presents, take her places, but she "lets it all out" with you b/c you are her anchor, she feels safe in your unconditional love, and she knows that no matter what she does or how she feels, you will always be there for her. My D once told me, after some prodding, that the reason she won't tell daddy how she feels is b/c she's afraid he won't love her anymore. Imagine! I told her this was not true (it isn't), but her perception is to just be happy w/ daddy & enjoy the time she has b/c she doesn't know when it will stop.

You will make new friends and expand your world. Your new job will give you so much confidence in yourself and remind you of all the things you have to offer the world. Have fun.

FA