The Great Wall Part II

[Dom R]

Dom,

I think religious stuff is so equated with shame (Bad boy, God will be mad) that unless there is a context it will tank so badly that the whole bb will hear it.

Karen

Amoung catholics, that is fairly common.

However, your husband is not a common catholic.
The level of involvement you have described him having, is not indicative of that mindset with God. Rather the opposite. Plus, his general care and consideration towards you, are in some ways counter-indications.

Two major comments/questions for you:

1. how, *specifically*, do you think he might react? eg: specific sentances you think might come out of his mouth in response? You've mentioned "the shame/denial/hiding" thing, but I dont personally have a good feel on what that looks like from him

2. Shame, by itself, is not neccessarily a bad thing. Just like Guilt. If he feels shame, or guilt initially... but that subsequently prods him to change his behaviour.. that's a Good Thing.
That's really how healthy shame and guilt is supposed to work.
What is unhealthy, is when people feel shame and guilt about doing/not doing something... but then just keep doing what they are doing.

shame and guilt are only really "bad", when they are about things the person cannot possibly change.

This is something that your husband can change. He may not be able to spontaneously get an erection or whatever on demand.. but he has the choice and power over himself, to chose to give you sexual satisfaction regularly.

This is a fair target to aim for. And this is what the bible passages address, reguarding "marital relations". Choosing to give your spouse whatever you are able in that area; to not withhold what you can give of yourself.

He is withholding. He SHOULD feel guilty. He SHOULD feel shame, that he has let his wife down.
The issue for you may be to lead him through the shame and guilt, into corrective action.

Dont try to avoid it. Work through it, and come out the other side.




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A side question: How involved with the bible are you yourself?
Have you basically distanced yourself from it, and God, since your prior divorce? Would that be why you are reluctant to approach him?
I think you did mention something like that before... But.. biblically speaking, you should let go your own guilt in that area.
"Go and sin no more".
Let go of the past... If you have asked for forgiveness, you are forgiven... focus on being the best Christian that you can from This Point On. And ask for your husband to do the same. There is no shame or guilt in that.