Mark, I really hope you are successful in getting your W to willfully agree to C. I know how difficult it is to get the WAS to even consider that they could benefit from such help.
You mention your S's -- what about your DD? I know she's young, but has there been any thought to something tailored for her age level?
Also, if you need this for your S's, then can you say what may be going on with them that prompts you to seek C with them? (If you've covered this already, please forgive me and tell me to go research your threads.)
Communication is really tough. I know that's been our Achilles heal. Lately, W and I have been so far apart in how we perceive things, and W refuses to consider any other view other than her own. She's got her mind set, her blinkers on, and "damn the torpedoes", full steam ahead for the big D. Talking with her is an absolute strain. She feels that if I don't sit quietly and let her spew her problems and blame on me, or if I dare say anything that does not give fuel to her mad dash to D, then we're not "communicating" -- which is then my fault somehow. I would love to try again to get W back into C for working on our degraded communication skills, even (as you put it) if it still means we D.
I also think you must count your blessings that your IL's are not overtly hostile to you, and are at least willing to stay neutral to some degree.
We can all stand to improve our communication skills, but I think you're doing well.
Mark, I really hope you are successful in getting your W to willfully agree to C. I know how difficult it is to get the WAS to even consider that they could benefit from such help.
Thanks, NCB. She has mentioned in the past that we will need counseling to learn how to manage the kids better as a non-married couple. Mind you, this was probably 7 months ago (she's been audibly banging the "we're getting a divorce" drum since May). I think I can get her to agree... provided it's not marriage counseling.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
You mention your S's -- what about your DD? I know she's young, but has there been any thought to something tailored for her age level?
The therapist I spoke to last night said she is too young for therapy.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Also, if you need this for your S's, then can you say what may be going on with them that prompts you to seek C with them?
Well, what prompted me was a suggestion from the in-laws: seek counseling together. There is no downside to doing so, and it may end up fixing the marriage.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Communication is really tough. I know that's been our Achilles heal. Lately, W and I have been so far apart in how we perceive things, and W refuses to consider any other view other than her own. She's got her mind set, her blinkers on, and "damn the torpedoes", full steam ahead for the big D. Talking with her is an absolute strain. She feels that if I don't sit quietly and let her spew her problems and blame on me, or if I dare say anything that does not give fuel to her mad dash to D, then we're not "communicating" -- which is then my fault somehow. I would love to try again to get W back into C for working on our degraded communication skills, even (as you put it) if it still means we D.
Yep, we are living the same life. We also need help with communication. Should have sought it a long time ago. But as most of us know, a problem that is just in front of us often appears smaller than it really is.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
I also think you must count your blessings that your IL's are not overtly hostile to you, and are at least willing to stay neutral to some degree.
They are on the side of the marriage. I am of the opinion that, in the absence of a genuine effort to repair the marriage, they will not overtly assist her in getting a divorce. Having said that, they will not let her live on the street. They will help if called upon in an urgent situation. But they are not on the same page as my wife. SMIL is a "solution-oriented" person. Also a devout Catholic, who believes that divorce is something that should be taken on only when all other options have been exhausted. And they have not in our case.
She thinks I am cheating on her. She even had dates and locations for my vacation with my girlfriend (Shrek's wife).
Wow, I think that's the first time I realized that your supposed girlfriend was Fiona. So screwed up it's almost funny. What'll those whacky MLCers think of next?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Rob- My thought on that quote was that someone's lying to someone. I found that out too when I talked to OW's H. There was a strange comment that OW's H said about OW telling him that I'd gotten very upset with H over a phone call that H received from OW....in November. I told him that someone wasn't telling the truth, as I had no knowledge of that particular phone call and did not talk to H about anything like that. There's even lying between the WAS & OP!!
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
It's happening here. My wife is telling her boyfriend that her father is going to pay for the divorce and buy a house that she can live in.
There is no way he would have been so nice to me last weekend if this were the case. No way. And SMIL has been so very supportive of our marriage. It's simply not possible that in-laws are lying to me. They are stand-up people.
So now I know that my wife lies to everybody. Why does that not make me feel any better?
This does not surprise me at all. I mean, there has to be some level of dishonesty going on even at the start to make the other person believe that their life is so horrible that they need to be saved from their current M. I think my H thinks he's saving OW from a terrible M and existence with her H.
In my case with the phone call, I think H lied to OW. Just another way for H to get OW to see that the M is a bad place for him too and to color me as a royal b*tch to her.
OW's H knew something wasn't right. He told OW that he didn't understand why I'd be upset if - 1) there wasn't anything going on between she and my H AND 2) All H had to do was let me listen to the message and I'd know it was him (OW's H) calling and not OW.
Lies, lies, lies.....
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 01/08/0808:20 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
OK, Mark, some people would call it lying. Other people would call it fantasizing. Your wife is fantasizing about her future life and how her father will take care of her. She is sharing her fantasy with her lover. Why not? He shares the fantasy that he will love her forever with her. Neither is telling the truth by your way of seeing things. You look for facts. It is hard when people like that come into contact with nuts and bolts people like you, who talk in concrete terms and want to be realistic about everything.
