i realize that last night in no way makes up for what has transpired in our R. but i do believe we have a chance. in order for it to work, we both have to try. one thing is for sure: if i give up now, we have no chance at all. i have always believed he loves me. doesn't mean it will work. but i am an eternal optimist with a few pessimistic moments thrown in.
i originally came to this website very angry and disappointed and wanting to stop myself from thinking of giving up. i thought this forum would encourage me. it gave me a chance to say what was/is on my mind without the fear of telling a friend who might look at H or me differently. so for that, i am thankful to all of you for reading and for your input.
this is my 2nd M and i don't like to fail. i have lived a long time and i have experienced lots of bad things (some horrific that landed people in court and jail), i still hold on to the idea that you don't give up in life. those things were much worse than what i go through now. yes, i feel rejected and pushed away. i feel like i am on an emotional roller coaster. but rejection, though painful, is definitely not as bad as some other things i have endured. do i hate it? you bet! does it make me angry? you better believe it does! do i want to throw plates and scream sometimes? of course!
but i thought this forum would be a bit more encouraging to the idea of saving all marriages. that was what i got out of Michele's book. that every marriage can be saved. crappy things happen. mean things are said and done. i have done it too.
if i leave H and find H#3, i will just have a NEW set of problems, not the absence of problems. H#1 and i had no problems in the bedroom but he put me down all the time and told me i wasn't attractive... until we were in the last part of our M and were with a counselor. now, that wasn't the only thing wrong in our lives. lots more was there. the big 'but' is that now i have a different set of problems with this H but things haven't gone so far that i was ever packing my bags.
and i am not saying all of this bc of last night. if you go back on this thread, i said i didn't want to leave. i said that i love him and that he loves me. i also today said that he does mean things. so did XH. the difference between the two of them is that 1. he has not cheated on me, 2. he has not hit me, 3. he does think i am attractive (doesn't show it enough for my taste but at least he doesn't say i am unattractive), 4. he doesn't hold things i did 10 years ago over my head, 5. he doesn't treat me like i am an idiot (even though i had more education than XH), 6. we share the same core beliefs, etc etc. i have already pointed out lots of faults so i won't repeat them again.
you have to teach people how to treat you. i think we are still in the process of teaching each other. maybe we got married too quickly. maybe we should have waited for a more stable time in both our lives. i can maybe myself to death. bottom line is that i am married and, as i have always said, i want to stay that way. which is why i came to this website in the first place. i didn't think that we were doomed. i just wanted to know that my feelings were not uncommon or irrational. and i found that apparently i am pretty normal. i don't have to put up with $@#% from him. he knows that i can leave if i want to badly enough. he also is starting to believe that i will stay. i think one of our issues from the start was that he thought i would leave soon, anyway.
last night was great, but as you noticed i still said in that post that i am seeking a counselor and encouraging H to go to the dr as well. i am trying to be balanced here. i can't roll around in the dumps too long bc i don't like it there.
maybe you didn't mean what you said the way it came across to me. i hope not for the sake of mr karen and your R. bc to me it sounded like i should just throw in the towel. i admit there is work to be done. i openly admit that. and i get shocked at when i think of what has happened so far. Dbombs are so painful, so if i can help it at all, i am going to stay. i came here to talk and help my marriage, not destroy it.
